Back to the start

[tomcrocus]

The willow warbler warbled the golden eagle soared
the elephant said that he's the king but the mighty lion roared

the hobbit he's a hermit and kermit he's a frog
the polar bear's called jimmy yeah and muttley he's a dog
bingo plays the banjo and he's a big baboon
harry the hyena laughs out loud because he plays it out of tune
the kingfisher sounds like she's the king but really she's the queen
the gabon viper wears a diaper and mister mamba's mister mean
the tortoise he's called terry his friends are round the bend
the're never in a hurry because they'll get there in the end
the dinosaur he is no more because he is extinct
what killed that mighty dinosaur it often makes me think
a pack of wolves a bison a loser and a winner
i'm sorry mister bison but you've ended up as dinner
the honey badger he's called tadger and you call his missus frank
he's a right old cadger this honey badger because he's got nowt in the bank
a condor in the andes i'd love to see that sight
my imagination just runs riot when i lie in bed at night
did i mention harry hobson,he's lost all of his hair
and he's a hippopotamus no he's a grizzley bear
the beetle he's called lennon,now that's an obvious choice
you say you want a revolution,well you'd better use your voice
an albatross the mariners curse
i don't know how to end this kind of verse
if it's cock and bull then just rip it apart
i'll tell you what i'll do it's back to the start

the willow warbler warbled the golden eagle soared
the elephant said that he's the king but the mighty lion roared.

[ellajam]

I know we're in fun, and it is a fun read, but I think punctuation would have enhanced that read.

[tomcrocus]

Hello ellajam,
i know i'm not the cats pyjamas or the brightest button in the box
but is the punctuation really that bad?

[ellajam]

Hello ellajam,
                  i know i'm not the cats pyjamas or the brightest button in the box
but is the punctuation really that bad?

Except for those two commas that need a space after them it's nonexistent.

Punctuation is all those squiggly things that divide the words into sentences.

Give me a minute, I know there's a link around here to a site that explains it, or just google "punctuation", There are lots of sites that focus on it.

It helps the reader understand where each thought begins and ends, and where a pause is intended.

You've already written mostly in fine, complete sentences that would be easy to follow if they were only defined, even with just a capitalized letter at the start and a period at the end.

I think as a writer it would be a good thing for you to learn, then you could choose to use it or not as you see fit, but as a conscious decision for the good of the poem.

If you're just taking the piss, my answer is still the same.

[tomcrocus]

I'm not taking the piss ellajam,i find the poetry forum a little bit
over my head that's why i don't visit too often,poetry and critique
are certainly not my forte,you're just a bunch of fucking weirdos,
and yes that is taking the piss,
tom.

[milo]

I'm not taking the piss ellajam,i find the poetry forum a little bit
over my head that's why i don't visit too often,poetry and critique
are certainly not my forte,you're just a bunch of fucking weirdos,
and yes that is taking the piss,
                                         tom.

the chances of you getting better without challenging yourself or at least exposing yourself to better reading, writing and critique are pretty slim.

That being said, perhaps you are perfectly happy writing at a sub par level in which case, carry on.

[billy]

this is what makes us a good site, you're not banned for being a nasty bastard.
see, please tom, play nice to people who are trying to be helpful. next time you will be banned.

I'm not taking the piss ellajam,i find the poetry forum a little bit
over my head that's why i don't visit too often,poetry and critique
are certainly not my forte,you're just a bunch of fucking weirdos,
and yes that is taking the piss,
                                         tom.

[tomcrocus]

I would like to make an apology,i understand my behaviour was
unacceptable and it will never happen again,i certainly don't want
to be banned,SORRY.

[Erthona]

Crocus Verse

Tommy Hokum we can see,
that Crocus Martis poems a fartus 1,
for lack of polish it seems to be
"it's cock & bull so rip it a*" fartus partus 2.
"Quote he!"
Your lines like mine are not sublime,
if this poem was a woman, you'd be a wife beater,
it ebbs and flows with no reason or rhyme
from five feet to Heptameter.
It's trochee, no, iambs, accentual verse,
although some are inferior to it,
I really don't see how it could be worse,
half nostalgia the other half shit. 

So play your games little Tommy,
thinking yourself so smart,
you're not really impressive to us,
no more so than one of my farts!


Welcome to the site,


dale the weirdo


____________________________________________________
1. Fartus: Germanic Latin
2. Partus: Bratin, a groanmance language
*"if it's cock and bull then just rip it apart* looked like an invitation to me.

Addendum:
 
"the beetle he's called lennon"
the Walrus, he is Paul,
George is playing sitar with Krishna,
and Ringo's beating balls to the wall. 

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Tom, another apprentice weirdo here. I think, in the end, you posted this in "fun" -- and it was fun -- enough for a few weirdos to offer advice on how to make it better fun. Surely that's what you wanted.
Paul

[Erthona]

I would say vote him off the island, except that I found his "SORRY" so insincere.

dale

[tomcrocus]

Well i suppose the damage was done by me on sunday night
and it's beyond repair now.
I'll take myself off the island and save you the vote,goodbye and
a sincere all the best,
tom.

[milo]

Well i suppose the damage was done by me on sunday night
and it's beyond repair now.
I'll take myself off the island and save you the vote,goodbye and
a sincere all the best,
                             tom.

yah, that was a rough start.
That being said, i don't think anyone here actually cares or holds a grudge.
Seems everyone is just playing around with you.

[ellajam]

I don't have any problem with Tom. I'd still love to give this a read with punctuation, but that would be up to Tom.