Woe is Me

[TimeOut]

A downward spiral
Yet again
Just throw me on the pyre
At least there's no speculation about the end

Wrangle all for the trial
The witnesses, I guess friends
Just one useless pile
Of stories I have to spin

They say once 'those' genes go viral
The perfect blend
Of those primal
Urges, no story to append

So that's it, no Romeo vial
No ivory to ascend
No god as my witness, no arrival
Just dirt and laquer to descend


I guess this would be my attempt at a somewhat rhyming scheme. Let me know if it's overly dramatic and forced. It's actually intentionally a little melodramatic. I'm really trying to find my voice, but it seems to be pretty dry and matter of fact. Does that work, or is it too simple/basic? All opinions are appreciated. Im semi new to poetry.

[proteus24]

A downward spiral
Yet again
Just throw me on the pyre
At least there's no speculation about the end

Wrangle all for the trial
The witnesses, I guess friends
Just one useless pile
Of stories I have to spin

They say once 'those' genes go viral
The perfect blend
Of those primal
Urges, no story to append

So that's it, no Romeo vial
No ivory to ascend
No god as my witness, no arrival
Just dirt and laquer to descend


I guess this would be my attempt at a somewhat rhyming scheme. Let me know if it's overly dramatic and forced. It's actually intentionally a little melodramatic. I'm really trying to find my voice, but it seems to be pretty dry and matter of fact. Does that work, or is it too simple/basic? All opinions are appreciated. Im semi new to poetry.

It certainly is dreary, melancholic and infringing on melodramatic, so I guess you are doing what you intend to do. I like the poem's flow and rhythm, but I have a few questions: (1) why did you not capitalize 'god'? (2) why did you put quotes around 'those'? (3) Would you consider deleting 'there's' (it feels unnecessary to me, and kinda dampens the overall beat of the poem) in the first stanza, line 4?

[Alexearth]

Hello TimeOut. First of all I have to say, I'm not a big rhyme fan, but this is only a personal view, and a lot of good poetry is written that way (duh). But even with rhymes, punctuation is a must and will help people understand what you are trying to say. Forget the capital letters for each line beginning and use more periods, that will make your poem less dry. Also go to the line only when necessary (not all sentences are well separated). I don't understand all of what you wrote, you need to make the poem clearer, with a solid foundation (at least a clue on what you want to talk about). 
I suggest that you revise your poem and post it here again so we can help you better.

 I hope this will help, good luck! 


Alex

[gingerquiet]

A downward spiral
Yet again
Just throw me on the pyre
At least there's no speculation about the end

Wrangle all for the trial
The witnesses, I guess friends
Just one useless pile
Of stories I have to spin

They say once 'those' genes go viral
The perfect blend
Of those primal
Urges, no story to append

So that's it, no Romeo vial
No ivory to ascend
No god as my witness, no arrival
Just dirt and laquer to descend

To me, I get the impression the subject of the poem is a person who has been condemned as a witch, or is on trial, and is possibly being condemned to burn. I think you have the opportunity to really make an interesting metaphor here based on that idea, especially with the discussion of friends equally witnesses. Are they witnesses to the downward spiral? Who is the one putting the narrator on trial, themselves or an outside force?

I also appreciate the idea of a pile of useless stories--I think this could be tied into the pyre mentioned in the first stanza, like they're a pile of kindling that is going to feed the fire.

Do agree with what previous comments said about the use of quotes around 'those'...I understand the desire to stress the word 'those' to try to emphasize how it would be said if the phrase 'those genes' was spoken aloud, but I think that it would be understood without the quotation marks.