Browsing through the Blue (final edit)

[RiverNotch]

Browsing through the Blue

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartbreak
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with doodled-out distraction 
or silly slogans for inspiration
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with the stench of a wild night
or empty promises of morning light
but with sleep.



Final draft (but perhaps not the final title):

Browsing through the Blue

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartbreak
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with doodled-out distraction 
or silly slogans for inspiration
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with the stench of a wild night
or empty promises of morning light
but with sleep.

First draft:

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes
but with sleep.

A bit of a note: the awkward rhyming is intended, to add a sense of dissonance to the poem. Hope that idea works out. (This note still applies for the new draft)

[makeshift]

Sickness, silence, sorrow, and sleep, Very depressing stuff >.< My reading of this poem is that the narrator has a wall with pictures of their loved ones and that they are reflecting on those pictures and the inevitability that those loved ones will be faced with the tragedies innate to life. It may not even be a physical wall, but something mental or spiritual. anyway left me 2 cents below. Thnx for sharing, hope this helps

Someday, my wall Is this separation intentional? I kinda want all the stanzas to be the same

will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses future models, like people who will be models in the future or models from the future? The baby line before this 1 has me thinking the former
but with sickness. I like how through out the poem you contrast the darker things like "sickness", with more light hearted bits like "baby butt-faces" it has a sorta chiaroscuro effect

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache I've never heard the word memetically before, it draws a lot of attention to this line
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination This stanza has less imagery then the last two. What you write is clear, but i'd rather experience it through more images I think.
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes This line seemed a bit vague, I dont know who "your" is or what their nightly struggle is
but with sleep. Sleep seems like a good ending, makes me think of death

A bit of a note: the awkward rhyming is intended, to add a sense of dissonance to the poem. Hope that idea works out.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the feedback!

Sickness, silence, sorrow, and sleep, Very depressing stuff >.< My reading of this poem is that the narrator has a wall with pictures of their loved ones and that they are reflecting on those pictures and the inevitability that those loved ones will be faced with the tragedies innate to life. It may not even be a physical wall, but something mental or spiritual. anyway left me 2 cents below. Thnx for sharing, hope this helps 

You could say that....When I wrote this, I was envisioning facebook, but this thought works just as well.

Someday, my wall  Is this separation intentional? I kinda want all the stanzas to be the same No it isn't! Changed accordingly.

will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses future models, like people who will be models in the future or models from the future? The baby line before this 1 has me thinking the former Both ideas work, I suppose, but yes, the former. I don't think I really need to clarify here.
but with sickness. I like how through out the poem you contrast the darker things like "sickness", with more light hearted bits like "baby butt-faces" it has a sorta chiaroscuro effect

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache I've never heard the word memetically before, it draws a lot of attention to this line This was written quite a long way back, so I don't exactly remember what "memetically" means, either. It's not a 'real word', though, in the sense that 'funner' isn't a real word: it has meaning, and it could be considered grammatically correct, but it's sort of just a construction from the word 'memetic', I think. Best explanation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memetics
Keep in mind that with the whole 'facebook' idea, 'memetically' basically means 'as related to internet memes', which, again, I think works just as well.
As for the word drawing attention to the line, do you think it's unhealthy? I've noticed it, too, but I can't be sure whether, in this case, it's bad or not -- if you think it is, I'll consider changing it.
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination This stanza has less imagery then the last two. What you write is clear, but i'd rather experience it through more images I think. Good point. I'll revise this stanza, then.
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes This line seemed a bit vague, I dont know who "your" is or what their nightly struggle is  This stanza definitely continues the general muddiness of the earlier. I got kinda rant-y at this point, hence the unnecessary "you", and 'nightly struggle' is meant to involve a sense of insomnia, but I guess that didn't work. I'll revise this whole stanza, then, make this a more proper conclusion....
but with sleep. Sleep seems like a good ending, makes me think of death ....but for this line, which I agree is a good ending -- this really is meant to evoke the spirit of death.  

I don't really have anything else to respond with, and to summarize, in this case, would be to be redundant. I gotta say, though, I'm glad your reading was almost spot-on, and even in the parts where it wasn't (your general though on what the wall here was, for instance), it still worked. Again, thanks for the feedback!

[71degrees]

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes
but with sleep.

A bit of a note: the awkward rhyming is intended, to add a sense of dissonance to the poem. Hope that idea works out.

We all have "walls" around us no matter where we go. I like that "idea" of the poem. What I'm trying to understand is the "someday" part but I'm not getting it at all. If none of this has occurred yet, where is it all coming from? Pretty much a downer, and that's okay…no one ever promised us a rose garden, did they? Although, no one ever promised that "someday" my princess would come either. So maybe it works. Something's missing in the message but I'm not sure what.

[ellajam]

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes
but with sleep.

A bit of a note: the awkward rhyming is intended, to add a sense of dissonance to the poem. Hope that idea works out.

I think I have a problem with "someday". If it was "Soon" then maybe I could feel that something drastic was happening that would give the N such a dismal view of the future. "Someday" seems so far off I can't imagine why a person who is young enough to have all those images on his wall would think the future would be so empty.

I think you may be able to think of a better title than what is already in your refrain.

Thanks for the read.

[aland88]

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes
but with sleep.

A bit of a note: the awkward rhyming is intended, to add a sense of dissonance to the poem. Hope that idea works out.

I think I have a problem with "someday". If it was "Soon" then maybe I could feel that something drastic was happening that would give the N such a dismal view of the future. "Someday" seems so far off I can't imagine why a person who is young enough to have all those images on his wall would think the future would be so empty.

I think you may be able to think of a better title than what is already in your refrain.

Thanks for the read.

It's interesting, because I always think of modern day connotations versus the very old. A lot of the language Shakespeare used is antiquated now. When I first read the poem, I thought of Facebook, which is just modern society's take. But this poem stands under any light, modern or old, as being relevant. Like Yeats said, the only two subjects of interest to a serious mind are sex and death.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll be returning to edit this some time later this week.

Ellajam: I don't know if I should change the "Someday" to "Soon" -- it really was written with that sense of distance in mind. It's more a summation on the speaker's general sentiment, an expression of depression, basically, than a reaction to some immediate trauma. I'll wait for some more feedback on it to really consider going that immediate route. And as for your point on the title, I'll think of something. I agree with your sentiment: it's really more of a placeholder than anything else.

[ellajam]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll be returning to edit this some time later this week.

Ellajam: I don't know if I should change the "Someday" to "Soon" -- it really was written with that sense of distance in mind. It's more a summation on the speaker's general sentiment, an expression of depression, basically, than a reaction to some immediate trauma. I'll wait for some more feedback on it to really consider going that immediate route. And as for your point on the title, I'll think of something. I agree with your sentiment: it's really more of a placeholder than anything else.

Hi, River, more than suggesting a change I was just pointing out the disconnect I have between the N's present and view of the future. I just want some way to get from point A to B. Good luck with it.

[RiverNotch]

New edit! Reworked stanzas two and three: the ideas are still there, but made more image-based. Still haven't thought of the right title: any suggestions?

on 71degrees's point: The message might be missing a clarifying zinger, I guess. But I didn't really write this with anything like that in mind -- again, the poem's more an expression of depression than anything else. I don't really know how to clarify that in poetic terms, but I guess the general downer effect of the poem is already a good expression of it. Thanks for the feedback!

General question: Ooh, are there also any issues in terms of sound? Is it too awkward or prosaic?

[bena]

I am digging the tone of the new edit. I like the awkwardness, and I think it's spot on enough for the reader to know it was intentional...

As for the title...since the concept is vague, I don't mind a vague title...I might go with something like "ambition" or "progression" --perhaps, it's your baby though.


cheers!

bena the bombardier.

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the feedback!

Though those suggestions for a new title fit, I feel like it should be a bit more specific, although I think that direction would be just right for the title. I'll mull over this one for a longer bit.

[TimeOut]

Second draft:

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces Can you lose butt? What is a butt-face? Baby face is way more recognized. If you're referring to actual NEWBORNS, then there needs to be some clarification, and if that's that case, I agree they DEF look like butts. Wrinkly old butts.
or future models striking poses Striking poses is cliche. There is so much to be said about models other than 'striking poses'. Fumbling down the runway, posing for a pedophile...etc etc, this could be another poem actually.
but with sickness. +100 for contrast

Someday, my wall From reading you comments above, I know you're referring to Facebook, but this could also read as your 'wall' in the sense of how one protects/presents themselves to society.
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake please PLEASE get rid of yummy...it's juvenile and reminiscent of Judy Blume
or memetically calculated heartbreak as you stated above, memetically is not a word...that's not to say it shouldn't be, but can you somehow get rid of it for clarification and work in meme?
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with doodled-out distraction 
or silly slogans for inspiration
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with the stench of a wild night
or empty promises of morning light WARNING morning light = cliche, this line deserves more coming after the awesome line of stench of a wild night
but with sleep.

I know I was seriously nitpicky, but this poem is awesome. I think with a rework of the title that sheds light on the digital connotation of 'wall', you've got serious gold here. Good luck!  

First draft:

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces
or future models striking poses
but with sickness.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake
or memetically calculated heartache
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with jovial bits of distraction
or the elements of procrastination
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with your dirty messes
or your nightly struggle for successes
but with sleep.

A bit of a note: the awkward rhyming is intended, to add a sense of dissonance to the poem. Hope that idea works out. (This note still applies for the new draft)

[RiverNotch]

Thanks for the feedback!

Second draft:

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with baby butt-faces Can you lose butt? What is a butt-face? Baby face is way more recognized. If you're referring to actual NEWBORNS, then there needs to be some clarification, and if that's that case, I agree they DEF look like butts. Wrinkly old butts.  Faces of butts, faces of babies, faces of babies who look like butts -- any of those images, I think, work, since the point isn't about the faces, but about the general cuteness (or ridiculousness) the situation inspires.
or future models striking poses Striking poses is cliche. There is so much to be said about models other than 'striking poses'. Fumbling down the runway, posing for a pedophile...etc etc, this could be another poem actually. That really is another poem, ie that's not this line's point. It reinforces the awkward rhyme, and for the purpose of the line (basically, the same sense of image as the last one), it is enough. Also, I think you missed the important modifier "future", which implies that they're not models yet (or that they're models from the future, but I think the oddness of both images works really well).
but with sickness. +100 for contrast

Someday, my wall From reading you comments above, I know you're referring to Facebook, but this could also read as your 'wall' in the sense of how one protects/presents themselves to society.
will be filled not with pictures of yummy cake please PLEASE get rid of yummy...it's juvenile and reminiscent of Judy Blume Then perfect! A lot of this is supposed to sound juvenile (notice the awkward rhymes?), however profound the subject is. This is supposed to reflect a sort of youthful air, or something I can't really put the words to.
or memetically calculated heartbreak as you stated above, memetically is not a word...that's not to say it shouldn't be, but can you somehow get rid of it for clarification and work in meme? I dunno....the rhythm here already works, methinks. It's all hard sounds, a good contrast to the relatively gooey "pictures of yummy cake" thing. Plus, the big word reinforces the juvenile air, which is sort of what I'm going on.
but with silence.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with doodled-out distraction 
or silly slogans for inspiration
but with sorrow.

Someday, my wall
will be filled not with the stench of a wild night
or empty promises of morning light WARNING morning light = cliche, this line deserves more coming after the awesome line of stench of a wild night I don't think focusing on that one modifier for an image is justified.
but with sleep.

I know I was seriously nitpicky, but this poem is awesome. I think with a rework of the title that sheds light on the digital connotation of 'wall', you've got serious gold here. Good luck!  That's another idea....Hmm....

Gotta say, in general, I really think the only issue I have with this is the title.

[Leanne]

These two threads have been merged for cohesion, given that they're the same poem / Admin