Your Twelfth Winter

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

He tells you to say goodbye, but
your lips won’t say it,
the words are stuck.
The goodbye happens,
Even if you forbid it,
and suddenly
you are doubled over,
gasping.
Your whole body screams to have them back.

You are about to
explode
with want and longing and need.

You can feel your fingernails in your arm
But you can’t remember putting them there and
maybe you never did.

Some days, you remember that they still exist,
somewhere,
but not where you can find them.
You know they’re still there,
Just not where you can reach them
and that is the worst.
On days like these,
you remember the feeling of your nails in your arm,
but now you have more efficient ways
To cause pain.

And 12 years olds aren’t
supposed to be wearing long sleeves.
12 years olds aren’t
supposed to be this sad.
12 year olds aren’t
supposed to want to
go away.

But hey,
life isn’t fair
and God knows you learnt that,
The winter of your 12th year.

[rowens]

You can feel your fingernails in your arm
But you can’t remember putting them there and
maybe you never did.

It's a stripped down poem, and the three lines above seem to work, as the last lines of the poem have a certain summing up charm. 




Some days, you remember that they still exist,
somewhere,
but not where you can find them.
You know they’re still there,
Just not where you can reach them
and that is the worst.
On days like these,
you remember the feeling of your nails in your arm,

but now you have more efficient ways

To cause pain.

You could work those three lines in; but above those is the weakest part of your poem. Bare reporting in stiff, broken sentences. Sometimes stripped and stiff work together, but here you have broken sentences instead of sentences and lines, and they kind of ramble. But you can work with stiff, scratchy, wrinkly lines if you want. 

[Erthona]

I don't think the second person really works here, I would try the 1st or 3rd person. either one would cause the poem to have a greater impact to have greater impact than 2nd person.

Can we please stop randomly capitalizing the start of lines when they should not be.

"Your whole body screams to have them back." Who or what is "them"? How can one want them back, when no mention has been made of them being taken away?

"You are about to
explode
with want and longing and need."

Which sentence makes more sense: I am about to explode with want. I am about to explode with desire. Check out the definitions of the two words.

"You can feel your fingernails in your arm" - this appears to the reader as present tense, as though it is currently happening, causing confusion as the rest of the sentence unfolds.

There is much more but as this is in mild I will stop here.

Dale

[Psyve]

I may be WAY off base here but I read this as  seen from the point of view of a 12 year old child sent away to a cold forbidding boarding school.

This is a troubled child, one who has  hurt herself in the past, if only to make her physical pain mask the other pain inside her.

Now age 12, she feels cast away, banished by her parents to  a cold forbidding place... a new boarding school  or someplace worse perhaps? a place for special children?

The "He" in the first line I read as the School Headmaster (or perhaps the warden of the place she has been sent to) tellein her to say goodbye to her parents who must now leave.

The "Them" I read as the parents who dropped her off / left her here and have driven off.

The nails in her arm  are of course her own.... just something to mask the pain.

Nicely done. I enjoyed the read.

-Psyve

[billy]

lots of cliche, lots of repeats a few work many don't, who is he? is he a generic 12 year olds father?
there's also lots of filler words/lines that add nothing to the poem.

He tells you to say goodbye, but
your lips won’t say it,
the words are stuck. cliche
The goodbye happens,
Even if you forbid it,
and suddenly
you are doubled over,
gasping.
Your whole body screams to have them back very wordy, a suggestion would be to cut out anything that adds nothing.

You are about to
explode
with want and longing and need. why?

You can feel your fingernails in your arm i know what you mean but somehow it feels off
But you can’t remember putting them there and
maybe you never did.

Some days, you remember that they still exist, what still exist, fingernails?
somewhere,
but not where you can find them.
You know they’re still there,
Just not where you can reach them
and that is the worst.
On days like these,
you remember the feeling of your nails in your arm,
but now you have more efficient ways
To cause pain. again, too much excess wordage

And 12 years olds aren’t
supposed to be wearing long sleeves.
12 years olds aren’t
supposed to be this sad.
12 year olds aren’t
supposed to want to
go away.

But hey,
life isn’t fair huge cliche
and God knows you learnt that,
The winter of your 12th year.