Raval

[Alexearth]

It's been a while I wasn't on the forum. Here is a poem about a neighborhood in Barcelona called Raval.


-

The night shines in ghostly ways-
gray veils slither high,
cover up the city-
seize every street corner.


Amongst the dazed howls, thieves and scattered hawkers,
Raval pleads another day.

Its veins at some flat time
incessantly sputter,
one after another,
the drab
tightly dragging their belongings,
or a brown cigarette,
they incessantly cherish.

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

I really love this poem. It captures a certain stately antiquity, despite the images of a sputtering city filled with drab, smoking inhabitants. Raval's sort of like an impoverished aristocratic dowager, or at least that's the feeling I get.

[Alexearth]

I really love this poem.  It captures a certain stately antiquity, despite the images of a sputtering city filled with drab, smoking inhabitants.  Raval's sort of like an impoverished aristocratic dowager, or at least that's the feeling I get.

Thanks for your comment! The Raval is a popular neighborhood in Barcelona were I used to live, which is very active, alive and colorful at day, but finds a certain darkness at night (the supposedly most dangerous area in the center of the city) which I find inspiring. This is also only the first part of a poem about that subject, the negative part so to say! Thanks again


Alex

[Erthona]

I'm sure I have no, or little idea of what you are talking about which is probably my failing for not being more familiar with the scene that you are describing.

"gray veils slither high,
cover up the city-
seize every street corner."

While this is a nice and original description, it does not really convey night to me, plus I had to stop for a significant amount of time, so whatever magic this description might have conveyed was lost during the pause to figure it out, but I am probably just having a slow day.

When I read the phrase "dazed howls" the first thing that comes to mind is confused wolves. If I incorporate what you've said outside of the poem about what Raval is, then I eventually come to the conclusion that "dazed howls" are from those getting robbed, or after getting robbed. So it might be wise to incorporate what Raval is at the beginning of the poem, so that what is in the poem has a context. At the very least title it "El Raval" as that is how it appears in Wiki, although that article does nothing to explain anything that the poem talks about, or to put it into context.

I don't really understand these four lines:

"Raval pleads another day.

Its veins at some flat time
incessantly sputter,
one after another"

...and the last line seems put there just for the rhyme.

"the drab
tightly dragging their belongings,
or a brown cigarette,
they incessantly cherish."

As "The Drab" is used as a proper noun, it seems as if it should be the start of a new sentence and should be capitalized. I appreciate the double entendre of "dragging", but I find the word "incessantly" to be disruptive. It needs to be a word that can apply equally to baggage and to cigarette. Something like, "they hold more precious than life" --I'm not putting this forth as a suggestion as it is a bit to unwieldy--but something like that allows you to extend the image of how little these people have in their lives and how transitive their lives are.

I could suggest you might juxtapose the higher life of the cabarets and restaurants vs its its thieves, prostitutes and immigrant population, but that would be outside of the scope of this poem. Well, maybe something for future consideration. I was wondering, did you have in mind the newly arrived migrants, or just nondescript street people who had not done well, like street people all over the world?

To some small extent this reminds me of Ginsberg and the way he romanticized the under belly of life, of course his intention was different than yours.

Best,

Dale

[Alexearth]

I'm sure I have no, or little idea of what you are talking about which is probably my failing for not being more familiar with the scene that you are describing.
"gray veils slither high,
cover up the city-
seize every street corner."
While this is a nice and original description, it does not really convey night to me, plus I had to stop for a significant amount of time, so whatever magic this description might have conveyed was lost during the pause to figure it out, but I am probably just having a slow day.
When I read the phrase "dazed howls" the first thing that comes to mind is confused wolves. If I incorporate what you've said outside of the poem about what Raval is, then I eventually come to the conclusion that "dazed howls" are from those getting robbed, or after getting robbed. So it might be wise to incorporate what Raval is at the beginning of the poem, so that what is in the poem has a context. At the very least title it "El Raval" as that is how it appears in Wiki, although that article does nothing to explain anything that the poem talks about, or to put it into context.
I don't really understand these four lines:
"Raval pleads another day.
Its veins at some flat time
incessantly sputter,
one after another"
...and the last line seems put there just for the rhyme.
"the drab
tightly dragging their belongings,
or a brown cigarette,
they incessantly cherish."
As "The Drab" is used as a proper noun, it seems as if it should be the start of a new sentence and should be capitalized. I appreciate the double entendre of "dragging", but I find the word "incessantly" to be disruptive. It needs to be a word that can apply equally to baggage and to cigarette. Something like, "they hold more precious than life" --I'm not putting this forth as a suggestion as it is a bit to unwieldy--but something like that allows you to extend the image of how little these people have in their lives and how transitive their lives are.
I could suggest you might juxtapose the higher life of the cabarets and restaurants vs its its thieves, prostitutes and immigrant population, but that would be outside of the scope of this poem. Well, maybe something for future consideration. I was wondering, did you have in mind the newly arrived migrants, or just nondescript street people who had not done well, like street people all over the world?  
To some small extent this reminds me of Ginsberg and the way he romanticized the under belly of life, of course his intention was different than yours.  
Best,
Dale

Thanks for your help Dale.
"gray veils slither high,
cover up the city-
seize every street corner."
This part here is the imagery I apply to nightfall. Do to a certain amount of lighting in the city, the night isn't completely black, but more gray, cloudy like.
Of course one needs to be on the spot to understand what I'm describing, even though I wish it could be more understandable.

Good point for the "dazed howls" which for me meant more the delirium caused by drugs etc. I'll work on that.
I want to play on the sounds of the neighborhood at night, which sound like a lament for better days as a lot of people are struggling here. And also a contrast with its daily energy.

A poem to be worked on, I'll give my edit after a few more feedback.

Thanks again Dale,


Alex

[Alexearth]

Here is my first small edit-


The night here shines in ghostly ways-
gray veils slither high,
cover up the city-
seize every street corner.

Amongst the cracked chants and shouts,
thieves' plays
and scattered hawkers,
Raval pleads for another day.

Its veins at some flat time
incessantly sputter,
one after another,
the Drab
tightly dragging their belongings,
or a brown cigarette,
they eternally cherish.

[summermoose]

Hi Alexearth,

First of all, I love some of you lines. "Raval pleads for another day." has more meaning than it first appears. And the final stanza imagery with sputtering veins is vivid. Great job.

One quick thought:

The first stanza can be lifted. It could definitely be sharper as you are trying to convey (it seems) a specifically eerie night time. Maybe because I was in that area recently, but I feel like adding personal involvement in the description to the beginning could be useful, or at least worth a try. I would love to read how you fit into this context.