At Altitude

[Tiger the Lion]

Exposed at Altitude  1.1 (Todd, Dale)


Lungs gasp;
learning their limitations.

Earthquakes sound like questions
made of thin air.

Stop asking me to open wider,
I'm terrified already.



At Altitude

lungs become aware
                   and gasp
knowing their limitations.
 
earthquakes sound like questions
made of thin air.

stop daring me to open wider--
I’m terrified already.

[Mr. Creosote]

I guess I don't understand the earthquakes line. It could just be that I am missing something.

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks for reading, Creosote. I was trying to explore the power of an earthquake over a meditative sherpa. Huge noise imposed upon quiet souls. Solace interrupted. Not sure if I got it right.
Paul

[Todd]

Hi Paul,
I really like this piece. I know this isn't a critique forum so I hope you don't mind if I give you a few comments.

I hated reading your answer of why you wrote this just now, because I was going in an entirely different direction.

As you have the poem right now, "open wider" seems very strange in the context of altitude. I also don't know if there's a sound I'd associate with earthquake, but honestly I think the lines sound so cool that this bothers me very slightly.

I was seeing this poem in the context of a romantic relationship actually when things began to get difficult.

As you have the poem, I would consider finding a way to rework S3 as it falls below the quality of your first two strophes. That made me wonder if you could change the title to reveal S3 there somehow.
I came up with a title that sort of worked for the relationship context keeping the poem as it is. Though as that was not your intent it may not work for you.

Title: Love at Altitude

Oh well, please forgive the ramble.

Todd

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi Paul,
I really like this piece. I know this isn't a critique forum so I hope you don't mind if I give you a few comments.

I hated reading your answer of why you wrote this just now, because I was going in an entirely different direction.

As you have the poem right now, "open wider" seems very strange in the context of altitude. I also don't know if there's a sound I'd associate with earthquake, but honestly I think the lines sound so cool that this bothers me very slightly.

I was seeing this poem in the context of a romantic relationship actually when things began to get difficult.

As you have the poem, I would consider finding a way to rework S3 as it falls below the quality of your first two strophes. That made me wonder if you could change the title to reveal S3 there somehow.
I came up with a title that sort of worked for the relationship context keeping the poem as it is. Though as that was not your intent it may not work for you.

Title: Love at Altitude

Oh well, please forgive the ramble.

Todd

Todd, your thoughts are always welcome in whatever forum. As usual you spotted the poem within the poem. If a girl and an earthquake have nothing in common, then there is no such thing as poetry. Thank you. Although, I'm a little hesitant about stuffing "love" into the title. Wider was a comparison to the earth opening or someone "exposing" more of themselves. Will look at it again. Thanks,
Paul  

[Todd]

Funny you mention exposure. I was thinking of the climbing term for exposure: The distance from the climber to where the climber would likely stop in the event of an unprotected fall. I realize its a bit of a double entendre, but what about "Exposure at Altitude"

The title means so much.

Just an idea.

Best,

Todd

[Tiger the Lion]

Funny you mention exposure. I was thinking of the climbing term for exposure: The distance from the climber to where the climber would likely stop in the event of an unprotected fall. I realize its a bit of a double entendre, but what about "Exposure at Altitude"

The title means so much.

Just an idea.

Best,

Todd

I completely agree about the title. My problem is that if I add to the title it no longer reads as part of the first line. There are worse problems to have. Thanks Todd.

[Todd]

I see what you mean. I tend to do that effect a lot with the title going right into the first line. If it's any consolation the line still reads well without the title feeding it.

[Erthona]

Todds-lee,

Actually according to his nibs, this is a critical forum, now. So......
______________________________________________________________
Paul,

In S1 "Gasp" should come before awareness, it is how the lungs are aware, they are not aware then gasp. Oh yeah, you can use capital letters if you want to. Suggest like:

"Lungs gasp: becoming aware
of their limitations."

I enjoy S2 as is.


S3 - Instead of "stop daring me to open wider--"

Maybe "don't dare me to open wider" Keeping it in the present tense makes it more immediate.

In terms of title, I'd move the current down to the first and put as title "Exposed at Altitude".

Dale

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks Dale. You and Todd turned this thought into a poem. Edit posted.

[Todd]

Solid edit, Paul. It's funny how when you see a new version it causes you to find other things to comment on.

Lungs gasp;
learning their limitations.

Earthquakes sound like questions
made of thin air.

I like these strophes as they are, but if I were going to tinker it would be like this:

Possibly make a stylistic change in S2

Earthquakes sound
like questions made of thin air.

This would give a similar structure between S1 and S2.

I might also give some thought, but not necessarily make changes, to whether or not "sound" is the best word. Is there a substitute that is more vibrant and still hangs like a question? I'm not sure.

That's all I could think of. I may be being nit picky.

Best,

Todd

[Tiger the Lion]

Thanks so much for your help, Todd.
I'm so in love with short poems.
I just want to treat them right.
Paul

[billy]

i like it and see it being related to nepal. [though it may not be] a couple of things from me to consider, or not

Exposed at Altitude  1.1 (Todd, Dale)


Lungs gasp; cliche, in such a short piece they stick out all the more, a suggestion would be more brevity.
Lungs
learning limitations
learning their limitations.

Earthquakes sound like questions i think this line is superb
made of thin air. a suggestion would be [in the air] or [on the air] or something along those lines

Stop asking me to open wider, i'm struggling at this. makes me think of dentist though i keep connecting it to lungs and altitude thinking i missed something.
I'm terrified already.

[Tiger the Lion]

i like it and see it being related to nepal. [though it may not be] a couple of things from me to consider, or not

Exposed at Altitude  1.1 (Todd, Dale)
Lungs gasp; cliche, in such a short piece they stick out all the more, a suggestion would be more brevity.
Lungs
learning limitations
learning their limitations.
Earthquakes sound like questions i think this line is superb
made of thin air. a suggestion would be [in the air] or [on the air] or something along those lines
Stop asking me to open wider, i'm struggling at this. makes me think of dentist though i keep connecting it to lungs and altitude thinking i missed something.
I'm terrified already.

Thanks Billy. It did indeed started out as something inspired by Nepal. Something Dale wrote made me think. Ended up boiling two rabbits in one pot. Smells ok Though.