Can I PLease Love You?

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

[Erthona]

I thought this was pretty good except for some of the lineation and punctuation like:

"but you were, are, my
First."

Just a little too over the top, way too cheesy. But overall this has some freshness on something that has been well over-covered. It makes it almost new.

The last line completely ruins what otherwise could be a nice poem. It is everything the rest of this poem is not. Off with its head!

Dale  

[billy]

i really like the poem apart from the last line which i thought was very weak. i'm not great with punctuation but wonder whether quotation marks could be used to add some effect to the narrative. "this is normal" "this is not normal" the first line holds the reader and with a good original line. the 'you got a tattoo' line kept the latter part of the poem alive. it worked on at least two levels for me, it showed jealousy and to some extent pain.

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First. could [are my first love] better stated, though it's a cliche i think it works, i think it could work better in a different layout
ie
Are
my first

I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal. is this the correct tense? would told be the right way to say it?

This is not normal. i like how you emphasise by use if line spacing

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it? is [but] needed would [is anyone really past it] look better on its own line
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. why is [like that] on it own line above yet here it isn't?
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you? for me it reads better as two lines. for me this is also where the poem ends. the next line feels too much
Will you ever let someone love you?

[Jae Mc Donnell]

You came to class drunk. (I like this as a first line. It sets up the emotional distress, perhaps, and unavailability of the person in question) 
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First. (I'm not sure if the line separation on first was intended to cause a dramatic pause in reading but it definitely works for me. "My...... first  
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal. (I'm a bit confused here!? Who tells you? In the first few lines it seems you're talking to this someone, but this line seems like you're talking about that someone?)

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried. (And now you've switched back)
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it? (Maybe a line break after the first it)
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. Maybe a bit of an over use of the word like here. But for this function I guess it's okay)
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you? (I "like"  how this raps up. It shows our ability to still harbour love long after rejection)

Thanks for the read. I left my comments without reading throught the others as I find it help me leave my own opinion on the piece. So I hope I'm not to redundant   and you find this helpful

[Hematite12]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First. Effective line division
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal. Certainty is expressed here, but many of the other lines express uncertainty and tentative questioning

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not. Past what? Did the speaker do what the girl did? In which case why would he be asking her what's wrong?
You said you didn’t like me,
like that, This line division, on the other hand, is awkward and just breaks the flow
but I like you, like that. Perhaps the comma is a bit unnecessary?
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you? A bit cheesy, weakens the poem.

The simplicity of the language effectively conveys the speaker's simplicity of thoughts. Take out the last line for sure.

[RiverNotch]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my (tying this to a later point, maybe 
"I know we aren't speaking, but 
you were, are, my 
First.")
First. The sudden capitalization here throws me off, but in a good way. It highlights a typical thought in an often used way, but with that way made fresher with a bit of lime (eh?). Anyway...
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal. A bit uncomfortable with these two lines. The earlier is a good hint at what the rest of the poem says, but I can't help but feel that the line is unneeded. Also, maybe make the subjects more consistent: 
"You tell me this is normal, but 


this isn't normal." (I think "isn't" is smoother to say than "is not", but then "is not" heightens the abnormality the statement points to. I'm torn.)

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.The ellipsis here feels like an out of place moment of extended breath. A period here will do. If you wanna keep the ellipsis, I think it would be better placed after "I'm worried".
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?Maybe break this into two lines? 
"You said you were past it, but 
is anyone really past it? 
I'm not." That would tie this fairly well to the earlier broken but (hehe).
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. I think the construction of these three lines is a bit awkward. The commas before "like that" are what break them -- I don't think that's how the commas should work. Maybe 
"You said you didn't like me  
like that, but 
I like you 
like that". (the added break here makes the lines flow to the conclusion more fluidly, plus it's a neat little parallel)
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you? From "Can't I still love you?" on, the poem turns from the sweetly concerned to the distressingly obsessive -- for a person who has felt this way before, this works, but it's a new idea that I think the poem doesn't really need. "Can't I still be worried?" is a pretty good ending already, I think.
Will you ever let someone love you?

And quick note: Your title has a bit of a naughty cap-wise, hehe.

[BlowMyWadsworth]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my Love the flow of this line into the next
First.
I want to know what is wrong but... Ellipses feels out of place
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal. Great emphasis

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried. Maybe show how the tattoo symbolizes permanence in a life that had a fleeting relationship. If that's what your going for with the tattoo reference
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it? 'Past it' sounds cliché
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. Different spacing and punctuation, but it flows rather nicely
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you? Cheese whiz

The first stanza has some very interesting writing, but it gets lost in the cheesiness of the second stanza. Seems a bit topical, but there is definitely something deeper here. You just have to dig and find meaning.

[kiwiyana]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

Hi,
love is something unexplainable, but special.
In your work, you are trying to convey how much you love this person correct?
If so, maybe the use of more adjectives would be prudent....

I have a query..... who is this 'she' you have mentioned? Is her character significant?

Yana

[paxtecum]

I’m new here myself, I think that the idea behind the poem is fine and you did a good job of conveying emotion in your style. I’d end it with Can I still love you?

[Rederex]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

Hi,

Whilst some might say this is a cheesy topic I'm glad you have written about it. The reason being, sorry to tell you, that we often find pleasure in others misery. Bravo!
Just a couple of observations:
1- You end line five with "but...", the elips works if it is supposed to be read as a trail, e.g. Buuut. However, if 'but' is being used as a substitute to 'though' the elips is unnecessary.  I personally feel it would be better to put 'but' at the beginning of line six "but she tells me this is normal".
2- In line one you use "you" yet in line six you use "she", is she refering to a third party or is it the same person as line one? If it is a third party you need to clarify who she is. If its the same person you need to try and avoid changing between you and she.

Side note: As people have said, your last line seems to be weak...this doesn't mean it is horrible though, perhaps you should use it to link the poem back to 'yourself'. E.g. no one will love you the way I do.

[mgood]

You came to class drunk. Great way to express the disconnect and lack of emotional availability
I know we aren’t speaking, would consider adding (but) here form the precious line
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.would revise and take away "she" feels it takes away from the statement made previously

This is not normal.Nice way to to isolate thoughts between

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?takes away from the true struggle of the relationship. Feel as though it is not needed and conflicts with the previous questions raised

[Tryingtobe_____]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

This really hits close to home for me. I feel like I have been this girl.. the tattoo... the drinking, i.e the numbing. She probably wants to protect you from her self. She says it is normal.. for her it is normal.. But somewhere inside she must know it is not. But it is normal for her to numb. It sounds like she is going off the edge.. and you can absolutely worry and love her.. unconditionally always be there for her. no matter how far she goes.. because to have that one person in your life who will still stand by you when you go off the deep end and start acting out because you cant handle what is happening in your life... to have that one person. You become a rock. You become a reminder.. maybe she doesn't feel she deserves it. But she does

[ellajam]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

This really hits close to home for me.  I feel like I have been this girl..  the tattoo... the drinking, i.e the numbing.  She probably wants to protect you from her self.  She says it is normal.. for her it is normal.. But somewhere inside she must know it is not.   But it is normal for her to numb.  It sounds like she is going off the edge.. and you can absolutely worry and love her.. unconditionally always be there for her.  no matter how far she goes..  because to have that one person in your life who will still stand by you when you go off the deep end and start acting out because you cant handle what is happening in your life... to have that one person.  You become a rock.  You become a reminder.. maybe she doesn't feel she deserves it.  But she does

Hi, TTB, welcome to the Pen. Although of course a poem can remind us of our own experiences, in the workshops we try to keep the focus on the poem itself, what specifically are its strengths and weaknesses?

Thanks, hope you enjoy the site, happy to have you here, ella/mod

[poppoetry]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

I don't want to sound glib but I feel the pain and confusion and loss in this poem, it reads great and is nice and Punchy, the sense is love is lost and hard to accept, Or is it?, good poem and reads well, I won't critique grammer because I'm terrible at it and am too lazy to get it right so have no place correcting others but I like this poem, I get a sense of a really personal element to it too, nice.

[QDeathstar]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First. A couple of people commented on this saying that the punctuation was a bad choice, or something... but, I like it. It comes off as a nervous thought.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal. im confused about who she is? I like the but... it's like your regathering your thoughts after the previous nervous thought...
This is not normal.
You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it? the first stanza was pretty strong, I think that this stanza is weak and repetitive (yeah, the words mean different things but they are said a lot.. a lot of pronouns.....
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

I think this is a very unique love poem. Not cliche.
After a strong start I kind of wish the second stanza a little more tight. I get lost in a sea of yous and likes....

I also think that the internal rhyme in the second stanza, which I think is unintended, softens the terse tone that the first half of poem has.. it turns kind of sing songy.... "you said you" "you got a tattoo" "Dooby dooby do"

[jbw1277]

I liked this very much. I think it was easy to understand what you were trying to say. I know some people have said they don't like the last line but I actually do.

I liked the first paragraph and liked the last line but did not like

"You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that. "

I think this was already clear from everything else, maybe you could remove or replace this part? I like ending with will you ever let someone love you?

Nice job. I am new to this and only poetry experience I have is writing in my phone so please take with a grain of salt.

[staciamberdawn]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

I think the first line is great, it does a lovely job at grabbing the readers attention.
"but you were, are, my
First."
I think this part is a tad awkward with the use of commas and then the dramatic pause of First. I would really suggest rewording; definitely possible to still capture that drama i assume your looking for.
Also the last line i feel is insignificant. and overall clouds the vision.
Other than that i really like where your going with everything

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

You came to class drunk.
I know we aren’t speaking,
but you were, are, my
First.
I want to know what is wrong but...
she tells me this is normal.

This is not normal.

You got a tattoo yesterday…I’m worried.
You said you were past it, but is anyone really past it?
I’m not.
You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that.
Can’t I still be worried? Can’t I still love you?
Will you ever let someone love you?

Hi,
love is something unexplainable, but special.
In your work, you are trying to convey how much you love this person correct?
If so, maybe the use of more adjectives would be prudent....

I have a query..... who is this 'she' you have mentioned?  Is her character significant?

Yana

Yes, am am trying to convey that. i realize that i need to clarify the she now...the she i am referring to is the friend i was getting information from when i had no contact with this person.

[jasmine+clovers]

Thank you for sharing your poem

A few things I noticed...

1)"But you were, are, my
First" seems a little awkward to me. I think you are trying to emphasize First but I might write it something like "But you were my first. You are(italics for emphasis) my First."

2)As it was mentioned before, it is unclear who "she" is

3)Why are you worried about a tattoo? What do they need to get past? You? An alcohol problem? You don't necessarily have to spell it out but maybe make it a little more clear for the reader.

4) This was also said before but I agree that the ending is a little weak. I would end it with a concrete statement instead of a question


Good luck and happy writing

[pdvarona]

I really liked how you began with "you came to class drunk." It's a simple line that serves to really catch the reader's attention and makes one want to understand more about this person you're speaking about. Despite the cliche of being someone's first, I believe lines like "you got a tattoo yesterday" and "this isn't normal" help to give a unique, personal voice on a situation that otherwise may be very familiar to poetry and just writing in general.
"You said you didn’t like me,
like that,
but I like you, like that."
These lines did seem a bit weak, and I'm sure there's a more eloquent way of portraying the same thing, but then again it's also important to stay true to the writing style expressed in the poem.
Overall I enjoyed reading it, just could use a little tweaking with here and there, but nothing major.
Good luck!