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Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage,
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow.
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase,
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face.
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies ripe for the lead.
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel,
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.”
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
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(05-28-2015, 07:00 AM)Animal Riots Activist Wrote: Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage,
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. - very little of this makes any sense - and I mean sense in the broadest definition. 'jaundice absconded'? 'hemorrhage mirage'? 'mids of summer'? [what is mids? - did you mean midst?]...
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget - 'wet' seems redundant. 'lest he forget' cliche + old-timey english = don't do that.
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase, - you are using 'blue and whites' as if it is a popular phrase instead of a metaphor. I would suggest using the actual noun for what ever it is you are describing.
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face.
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would - no need for 'but' here.
dance with night furies ripe for the lead. - over poetic to the point that it doesn't make sense. 'night furies ripe for the lead'???
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through staccato in my head. - no. Just, no.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along - best line in the poem 'oh that's right, I'm all wrong'. really good. But, 'let's' not 'lets'.
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel,
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.” - pointlessly long onomatopoeia.
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end. - this last is good. poem on its own.
I like the rhythm, disjointed as it is. I like that. I tripped up on the 'could/would' part, it doesn't work. But on the whole I like the flow of it. However, the poem, the content, is terrible. You seem to have sacrificed weight for rhyme and rhythm. All rhyme no reason.
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(05-28-2015, 07:00 AM)Animal Riots Activist Wrote: Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage,
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. don't like this line
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase, i love this play on words
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face. these two lines, though. love.
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies ripe for the lead.
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel, she already growled. Maybe moaned, or something?
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.”
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I'M BOLDING IT. Honestly I don't have much to say other than the comments above, hopefully someone might have more. I'm kind of blinded by my love, here. The last stanza pleased me so, so much. I'm not sick, I swear.
Your rhythm is on point, word choice is the only problem you seem to have at times.
This is the type of poem that'll stick with me. Awesome.
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Hmm some pretty polar critiques here. Well I guess I should respond to both of them then.
(05-28-2015, 08:43 AM)shemthepenman Wrote: I like the rhythm, disjointed as it is. I like that. I tripped up on the 'could/would' part, it doesn't work. But on the whole I like the flow of it. However, the poem, the content, is terrible. You seem to have sacrificed weight for rhyme and rhythm. All rhyme no reason.
Thanks for your reply shem. I think part of the interesting part of writing this poem is I totally agree with your sentiment, which is kind of why I bailed out w/ the "pointlessly long onomatopoeia" (which was so long because I tried to write it with the same rhythm as the rest of the piece, which is rather silly because nobody in their right mind would even bother to read that awful block of grunts), then the abrasive ending. I knew I could keep piling it on, but I didn't really want to. But I wrote all of it, and I wanted to see what I could do to turn it into a poem I saw as respectable, if not funny, so I added the onomatopoeia then the last line. It might be a bit of a gimmicky move, but I thought it made the poem funny, so I enjoyed the end product.
(05-29-2015, 03:32 AM)buildthestars Wrote: I LOVE THIS SO MUCH I'M BOLDING IT. Honestly I don't have much to say other than the comments above, hopefully someone might have more. I'm kind of blinded by my love, here. The last stanza pleased me so, so much. I'm not sick, I swear.
Your rhythm is on point, word choice is the only problem you seem to have at times.
This is the type of poem that'll stick with me. Awesome.
Thanks buildthestars! I'm definitely not one for denying my work admiration, so I'll take it!
However, I do think I land somewhere between you and shem, in that I don't think its an amazing poem, nor do I think it's completely awful. I don't think the poem would be what it is without the onomatopoeia stanza and last line (definitely not w/o the last line), but I do still think it needs a bit of work.
I don't think my word choice was intentionally bad while writing it, but looking back on it, it's pretty bad. I think this is where the problem with the poem lies: I wasn't being intentional while writing it. It's just bad word choice, not intentionally bad word choice. I think it would be helpful if you could point out some instances where I used bad word choice, so I can edit the stuff around it and put in more cliche, more abstraction, and more overall poor writing. That might be a bit counterintuitive, but I think that will make the onomatopoeia stanza and last line work to even greater effect.
It's kind of strange, I've never been inclined to edit my poetry to make parts of it worse so the crux can be stronger, but that's what I feel inclined to do with this piece, so that's what I'm going to do. Thank you both, your comments have been quite helpful.
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
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This is a joy to read aloud! The last quatrain is my personal favorite, such precise word choice and rhyme. Line 13 is missing a dactyl. To me, this is less about content (which is actually pretty coherent and narrative) and more about sound and experimentation, and I think you hit it out of the park. Do whatever small edits you must (I think your word choice is better than you seem to think it is), but the structure and style of the poem are great as they are, and should be kept intact. Once you post an edit, I'll revisit it and see what I think.
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simply saying "don't like this line' gives nothing to the poet. please explain to the poet why you like of dislike something.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
first off, i'd like to say i like the way you accept feedback and respond to it.
the poem;
the first line took me a minute to understand and when i did it was a minute well spent. like the [B's] and [ond's]. it sets an image that goes with the the title.
i like how you leave out any sexual connotations between kidnapper and victim, how you stay away from any relationship between them allows the reader to choose which path to go down, rapist, irate father. i think it needs to be a little more connected word wise.
the cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
usually i urge the knife but i think here a bit of wordage could help.
thanks for the read.
(05-28-2015, 07:00 AM)Animal Riots Activist Wrote: Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage,
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer i'm presuming it's the middle of summer, if it is, why not simply say it?
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. struggled with this line
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget i see the need for [but] here though the word has an automatic [is ibut needed] in me.how ever, this one is needed.
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase, in the chase feels to easy, is it needed or is it a given already?
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled, i like the way this line gives the girl an underlying courage
through the duct tape binding her face.
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies ripe for the lead.
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel,
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.” this is pretty clever though i'd suggest another word than growled as it's already been used to good effect.
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.
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(05-28-2015, 07:00 AM)Animal Riots Activist Wrote: Woo! First poem posted on this site! Don't hold back. Its not exactly in perfect meter, but definitely rhythmic-ish, and that rhythmic-ish-ness is what I'm mostly trying to improve here.
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage, <---i dunno...something about this line doesn't jive. i think its the b's. i might reword so its not too alliterative.
cold furrow burrowed in his brow.
Driving a Hummer, the mids of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow.<--hemorrAGE and mirAGE are to close to be next to each other, i think.
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase,
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face. <--nice surprise image here
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies ripe for the lead.
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
know god through (the?)staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.”
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel, <--before it was duct tape...clear that up.
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.”<--this gets to the point where i just skip to the next stanza. I would shorten the hhmmhmhmhpp's or add more sounds to the mix, as if she's actually trying to say words.
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.<--WOAH. OKIE DOKIE THEN. SURPRISE MUCH? haha i really like this ending. nice job.
Sometimes I feel like writing poetry and sometimes I watch Netflix. No judging.
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Well, I haven't been able to post my first yet, but this raised the bar. Oof! This is such a rad poem. After the last line, I practically threw my hands up and screamed "YAAASS!" (But I'm at a coffee shop and that's hardly acceptable behavior here.)
SO! My thoughts:
Get Away
Jaundice absconded the blonde in bondage, I like the idea of yellowing skin and yellow (blonde) hair. However, this line needs to be revisited.
cold furrow burrowed in his brow. This line is great!
Driving a Hummer, the midst of summer
hemorrhage mirage on the prow. This line too. I know what you're trying to say, but you could say it better.
The wet heat made him sweat, but lest he forget I agree, "wet" could go.
twenty thousand blue-and-whites in the chase,
the sirens howled, and the little girl growled,
through the duct tape binding her face.
“I’m not bad, I’m not good, but if my feet worked I would
dance with night furies, ripe for the lead. I just wanted that comma. Let me have it. Haha
But I can’t so I won’t, I’m not mad, I just don’t
hear god through the staccato in my head.
“You’re not bad, you’re not good, but if you could
would you like to dance tonight if I led?
Oh that’s right I'm all wrong, so lets just sing along
And enjoy the blood moon instead.” Entire stanza is great!
“Mmmph, mmhhm” she growled, through a skinny red towel, I prefer red towel to duct tape, but you gotta pick one.
“hhmmhmphhmphhhuuhmphmmphhmmhpmhmmmmphphuuphphmmhhmmph”
“hmmhmmmphmuuphphhmmphhuuuphphhmmmhmmmhmmhmmmhmmhmmh.”
“mmmmmhmphmphm huhuphphmhphmmmhphm.” I'm fine with this. It's more of a visual element for me.
The cops shot first. Everyone died. The end.
[/quote]
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Thank you all for your comments, I might rework it a bit, definitely great feedback!
-"You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital."
--"A hospital? What is it?"
-"It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now."
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