Flicker

[Tiger the Lion]

Flicker

Again and again 
another rain assails her dying embers.
 
She burned everything
to get this far.

[Tiger the Lion]

Flicker

Again and again 
another rain assails her dying embers.
 
She burned everything
to get this far.

Flicker--
To me, this poem is of two audiences---the author, and the subject.
The Author seems to be fixated on this woman--pitying her; the woman appears to be stuck in negativity...or pain...
and I want to know what happens to the both of them...how is the author observing her...where is she, or better yet, what is she struggling with that the forgiveness, or whatever metaphor you intended for "rain" cannot even help her from failing, burning, or trying....
A lot is packed into your subtle style--I enjoyed it.

--Allysum.Edwards@mymail.nwtc.edu

Hey Allysum. I really thought this was a simple image. Fearfully, it may be true to say I am the author, the subject, and the audience. (I try to write outside first person whenever I can). In that context I wonder by your analysis if the author does not just feel sorry for themself. That would make for bad poetry. Thank you for the reminder.
Paul

[fluorescent.43]

Flicker

Again and again 
another rain assails her dying embers.
 
She burned everything
to get this far.

i quite like this! it invites a deeper read, especially since it's so short. i especially like the last two lines-- gives another perspective to the first two, i think. instead of a simple vignette it becomes something deeper. a few suggestions & questions: is the first line necessary? you've already got 'another' after it. also, just as a personal opinion, i like the word 'assaults' more instead of 'assails'.

it's actually pretty hard to give good critique on short poems. hope i provided some food for thought? either way, i like the poem as is. good work and good luck if you intend to work on it!

[Tiger the Lion]

Flicker

Again and again 
another rain assails her dying embers.
 
She burned everything
to get this far.

i quite like this! it invites a deeper read, especially since it's so short. i especially like the last two lines-- gives another perspective to the first two, i think. instead of a simple vignette it becomes something deeper.  a few suggestions & questions: is the first line necessary? you've already got 'another' after it. also, just as a personal opinion, i like the word 'assaults' more instead of 'assails'.

it's actually pretty hard to give good critique on short poems. hope i provided some food for thought? either way, i like the poem as is. good work and good luck if you intend to work on it!

Thank you, fluorescent. The first line has been problematic for me. I wanted to start with meter and then let it naturally dissolve. But technically I can see you are right and the first line is somewhat unnecessary. Still undecided whether it is a strong opening or a weak one. Depends on my read.
Appreciated,
Paul