Kindling

[Mark A Becker]

Kindling

Swayed by the moonlight's subtle power,
we ask a favor of this hour,
(curled up for warmth like a question mark)
 "will you grant for us just one more spark?"


Kindling

Swayed
by moonlight's subtle power,
we ask a favor
of this hour-  
(curled up
like a question
mark)  
will you grant us
one more
spark?

[cidermaid]

Hi Mark, sorry but i did not take much from this one in terms of content.  (Beyond the idea that the writer / voice is lacking in creative thoughts and has written about this?)
Liked the idea of the title (if my interpretation follows)

Kindling

Swayed
by moonlight's subtle power,  I was really hooked in by these first two lines...and then the rest of the poem din't deliver for me.
we ask a favor   thought overall the line breaks were over subscribed and as such felt forced.  I wanted to read this and next line together.
of this hour-  
(curled up
like a question
mark)    These three line breaks worked okay, esp if the poem always has the name Mark prominantly displayed. (Liked this as a poem turn and a pun - assuming it was intended).
will you grant us
one more
spark?  ...but these three line breaks don't work for me and it feels very forced in both meaning and rhyme

A short n sweet ditti, but not much substance to make me want to re-read.  The first line suggested a meatier read and then seemed to be mismatched with the rest of the poem, which was leaning towards the comic.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello cidermaid-
Thanks for looking this one over and offering some commentary.

Though I'm never lacking in creative thoughts, I may be lacking in conveying them. Short form does not allow much room to work with, thus I try to make it work with the fewest words possible. And that's why I put it out there-- to see if it's working. In your case, not so much.

There is no pun intended with the "mark" and my first name. Though I sometimes do refer to myself as a "question Mark", not so in the piece. However, if it adds something for you, then by all means it was intentional.

That it leans toward the slightly humorous is accurate: looking for any "spark" to ignite the "kindling". The older I get, the less humorous it can be, though.

The original layout was four simple lines, and I'll post that as an alternate reading.

Also- This more of a simple place-in-time observation, so it does not surprise me that you say that it lacks substance.

THANKS,
... Mark

Hi Mark, sorry but i did not take much from this one in terms of content.  (Beyond the idea that the writer / voice is lacking in creative thoughts and has written about this?)
Liked the idea of the title (if my interpretation follows)

Kindling

Swayed
by moonlight's subtle power,  I was really hooked in by these first two lines...and then the rest of the poem din't deliver for me.
we ask a favor   thought overall the line breaks were over subscribed and as such felt forced.  I wanted to read this and next line together.
of this hour-  
(curled up
like a question
mark)    These three line breaks worked okay, esp if the poem always has the name Mark prominantly displayed. (Liked this as a poem turn and a pun - assuming it was intended).
will you grant us
one more
spark?  ...but these three line breaks don't work for me and it feels very forced in both meaning and rhyme

A short n sweet ditti, but not much substance to make me want to re-read.  The first line suggested a meatier read and then seemed to be mismatched with the rest of the poem, which was leaning towards the comic.

[fluorescent.43]

Kindling

Swayed by the moonlight's subtle power,
we ask a favor of this hour-  
curled together like a question mark-  
will you grant for us just one more spark?


Kindling

Swayed
by moonlight's subtle power,
we ask a favor
of this hour-  
(curled up
like a question
mark)  
will you grant us
one more
spark?

i actually like this short poem. it strikes me as not really a substantial poem, but more of a thoughtful vignette. for some reason, i prefer the first version (you only changed a little of the actual words-- it's just the formatting) because it seems more like a quick breath to me with the line breaks and parentheses. the second version has longer lines and invites more fleshing out, i think. otherwise, this is an enjoyable, quick read. but this is just my opinion, as a reader. so take my words with a large dash of salt.

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks flour 43-
The four line version with the xtra words actually was the original version, but I posted the more "line broken" version first (hope that makes sense).

I did that because I temporarily shied away for posting yet another syllabic poem (the 4 line original).

After further thought, I'm going to stick with the original 4 line version. I just don't like the line breaks of the other version.

Kindling

Swayed by the moonlight's subtle power,
we ask a favor of this hour-  
curled together like a question mark-  
will you grant for us just one more spark?


Kindling

Swayed
by moonlight's subtle power,
we ask a favor
of this hour-  
(curled up
like a question
mark)  
will you grant us
one more
spark?

i actually like this short poem. it strikes me as not really a substantial poem, but more of a thoughtful vignette. for some reason, i prefer the first version (you only changed a little of the actual words-- it's just the formatting) because it seems more like a quick breath to me with the line breaks and parentheses. the second version has longer lines and invites more fleshing out, i think. otherwise, this is an enjoyable, quick read. but this is just my opinion, as a reader. so take my words with a large dash of salt.