short & thweet

[Mark A Becker]

jaybird glissandos
countered by staccato crows
cool blue sheet music

Above is the REV...


Hello whacky short form artists.  My name is Mark Becker, and I'm new to this forum.  I have a great affinity for short form poetry.  With that brief intro, I offer the following haiku:


jay bird glissandos
sharp grace notes, staccato crows
cool blue sheet music

[just mercedes]

I saw the sky as the 'cool blue sheet music'. Your 'ku feels like a daydream, staring into the sky, listening to birds. Nice.

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks mercedes-

Yes indeed, the sky is certainly like cool blue sheet music. Some people do bird watching, and I do sky watching. Always fascinated by how birds move across it.

I appreciate the kind words...
... Mark

[Magpie]

Hello whacky short form artists.  My name is Mark Becker, and I'm new to this forum.  I have a great affinity for short form poetry.  With that brief intro, I offer the following haiku:


jay bird glissandos
sharp grace notes, staccato crows
cool blue sheet music

Hi Mark,
I like some of the sound that you've got going on in here, which is appropriate for the musical context, 'staccato crows' sounds particularly good and I can see 'crows' as the bird and the sound, which works well for me. I don't see it as a haiku as such but as a short poem it works. 'sharp grace notes' seems a bit lost on the second line could you have it something like 

jay bird glissandos
into staccato crows

or perhaps 'towards' instead of into to avoid the confusion that some people may see them crashing into each other. I would also love to see the last line as "azure sheet music", but that's more to do with my obsession with the word azure.

Nice images, thanks for the read,

Mark

[billy]

for me it's more sneryu but it's just my view. other's may not agree.

first line is nigh on perfect
not sure grace works on the second line.
the last line while great makes me see it as a senryu.
a suggestion would be something like

cools blues

though i see you stick to 575.

Hello whacky short form artists. My name is Mark Becker, and I'm new to this forum. I have a great affinity for short form poetry. With that brief intro, I offer the following haiku:


jay bird glissandos
sharp grace notes, staccato crows
cool blue sheet music

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks folks-

You pointed out the issue that I also have with this one: "sharp grace notes..." It just don't sound right.

I am looking for some form of musical notation that will work. "Glissandos.." I think, works for the swooping motion of jay birds. And though "sharp grace notes..." may be plausible notation for crows on a piece of sheet music, it just don't play right coming out the speaking instrument.

Dang it. I knew it, too, but thought I'd run it through rehearsal to see if it'd get flagged. And sure enough...

At least I know for sure what to fix.

Ain't no way I'm changing "cool blue sheet music" though, and I'm still congratulating myself (like some prima donna) for having that pop outta my ear. I can appreciate that "azure" works with the syllable count, but I just like the way "cool blue" sounds, better.

Thanks again folks,
... Mark

[ChristopherSea]

In regards to 'I do haiku'…and you do it well. Welcome to the site Mark! I love blue jays, but their calls are a bit cacophonous.
You have some interesting word choices. You usually don’t see ‘grace’ used as an adjective. Do you need it?
Can something else be substituted like: pure/poised/fine/clear/clean (if you need to maintain syllable count)?
Most of the Pro's here have dropped the 5/7/5 convention.

I saw the ‘sheet’ music as a backdrop and like it, but if you want the closer to be more audible,
perhaps something like ‘jazz’ music would work. See what you think.

There are a lot of really good short form poets on this site, (including billy, Ambrosial R, TigertheLion, RayH, Just Mercedes, to name a few).
So this is a good forum to learn from.

All the best with your edit./Chris

[Mark A Becker]

Thanks Christopher-

Yeah- the jazz of it all. At one point this one started with: "jaybirds jiving jazz". Then it morphed...

The grace notes gotta go, so I'm leaning toward something like this:

jay bird glissandos
gliding by staccato crows
cool blue sheet music

As for "jazz music", I'm afraid that "jazz" and "music" would be redundant. I already ran into that problem, and redundancy would be a killer within a 17 syllable constraint.

Same (almost) goes for "glissandos" and "gliding", though it could be either the jays or crows doing the gliding, and I sorta like how it could go either way.

I agree that jays are cacophonous, and if they didn't swoop the way they do, I would have avoided "glissandos". Accuracy is important.

[wordancer]

jay bird glissandos
sharp grace notes, staccato crows
cool blue sheet music

I too, like your 'cool blue sheet music' and feel that the second version has better images, especially the alliteration from L1 to L2.  A couple of suggestions for consideration, to use, lose or play with.  The 'staccato' seems to be too much/intense and clashes with lovely glissandos gliding.  While L3 is now just 4 syllables, it is ok and fine to do that with today's haiku     Though, the L3 could read, 'the blues sheet music' to maintain the 5/7/5, but I don't feel that 'the' is really needed as it is implied.  A very nice haiku.

jay bird glissandos
gliding by staccato crows   (gliding by black-noted crows)
cool blue sheet music   (the blues sheet music}

[Mark A Becker]

Hello wordancer-

"wordancer" eh? Like a combo of " word + dancer" and/or "word + answer"...

I have been around the block with this one a few times, and I'm calling to done, now that I solved the "grace notes" issue. (Of course, no poem is ever done, like they say, it's just let go of).

I do appreciate your taking the time to make suggestions, a couple drafts ago I decided not to have black + crows together, because crows are black, and it would be redundant. It would also be redundant with "notes", because notes are always written in black ink on all of the music I've ever read.

I'll pass on having a type of music (blues) in the last line, because I'm talking about the sky, not a music genre. It may also create a confusing metaphor, and just doesn't sound right to me. The sound of this poem is very important.

All that said, I still appreciate you reading and commenting on this one, wordancer. ("wordancer" eh? That really is very cool).

Thanks!
... Mark

[rayheinrich]

Works for me.

"jay bird" should be changed to "jaybird" (the latter spelling's about 95% prevalent).

Welcome to the Pen,
Ray


P.S.   5-7-5 is an urban myth, school kid stuff. Serious English Haiku writers abandoned
it around 1923. Modern translators such as Blyth, Aitken, Hass (my favorite) say it's
impossible to accurately translate the emotive effect of the original Japanese haiku
using 5-7-5.  Their English syllable count is usually around 8 to 12. (Not that you can't
write 5-7-5, but it's probably better not to call it haiku.)

P.P.S.   Robert Hass' book of his translations:
"The Essential Haiku: Versions of Basho, Buson, & Issa"
is an excellent guide to how to go about haiku.
(If you're gonna learn haiku, why not learn from the masters?)
A used paperback in like-new condition can be had,
including shipping, for about $7 U.S. over on Amazon.com

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Ray-

Thanks for the comments.

Yes. "jaybird" it is. I try to avoid mistakes like that.

I am familiar with Hass, and I would be interested in the book you mention. Thanks! (I almost thought I remembered hearing him read at the Catbird Seat event in the very late '90's, held at the Library of Congress, but that would've been after he died. So I must have him confused with another favorite- Stanley Kunitz).

I mess around with a variety of syllabics, and one might say I'm even hung up on 'em.

Working 5-7-5, though mostly abandoned, represents a challenge for me, which is why I mess with it at all.

Thanks again,
... Mark

[rayheinrich]

...
Working 5-7-5, though mostly abandoned, represents a challenge for me, which is why I mess with it at all...

If you want a challenge: Try writing a decent sonnet or a terrible sestina.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Ray-

I am too challenged to craft a decent sonnet or terrible sestina.

I may post a monometer piece that I have that was inspired by the form of an Italian sonnet. And I stress "inspired" more than "Italian sonnet".

... Mark