Mares' Tails - Rev. #1

[John]

Strewth, this 'aint easy. I've tried to incorporate suggestions, reduce any misinterpretation, yet still make it mine and have it say what I want it to say. I've also aimed for a little simpler language.

All input appreciated.

Mares' Tails - Rev 1

White chiffon wisps canter
across azure skyfields, cold
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails;
fingers beckoning to ride
imaginary horses
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front
drawn by graceful flicks
of silken ice.

---------------------------

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails - Original

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.

[billy]

i had no idea what a mare's tail was apart from a horses tail.
the good part of your poem is that you use the phrase to announce bad weather [or a sexual encounter of the cold kind]. the extended metaphor works though the poem does read like it's overloaded. [florid]

the clouds of the first line is a great start with good alliteration and assonance. the 2nd line is the beginning of to much being to much white chiffon and diaphanous are pretty much the same, a suggestion would be to lose diaphanous.
the lack of cliché is refreshing. and that it's your first attempt impressive.

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails

White chiffon wisps cantering [would canter] serve better in keeping it tighter?
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails - this is a good image of clouds, are the tails the hooks or are the hooks on the tails? not sure but maybe a semi colon would be better than the dash
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts [please take this as a joke] while we know mount could mean to plunge the meat dagger home, it's a given that you'll probably do some riding as well.
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.

[just mercedes]

First attempt at free verse.


Hi John - I know mare's tails, and skies that are big enough and wide enough to show them. Also Arabs, as a breed of horse, so I recognize the 'graceful flicks' of a mare's tail, and the storms they portend. But never saw a cantering wisp.

I like the way you play with sounds.

'skyfields' is great - 'ethereal beasts' with its blend of abstract and concrete doesn't work as well for me.

I'm a mug for velvet and nuzzling though. Good first attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.

[John]

Many thanks for your helpful comments, peeps.

@just mercedes - done a lot of riding and just love the smell of horses. Felt I had to make reference in the poem.

@billy - the cloud formations - streaks - are typified by a flicked-up end or hook, hence the allusion to a beckoning finger to mount and ride with an invisible herd. And Andalusians are noted for their long white tails (increasingly being bred in): that's why I mentioned that breed.

Thanks again for the comments. I'll put them to good use.

[fluorescent.43]

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges. impalpable?
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour, this line seems like a stick on. switch up the punctuation.
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence. this and the above line are interesting.
The weather front drawn front drawn?
by graceful flicks of silken ice. ice?

i like the premise you've set...

however, i think you've gone so far to create interesting lines in this that it becomes too heavy for its own good, especially with a (relatively) simple subject of horse riding. it threatens to become obscure because i can't piece together a specific image in my brain-- the words are vaguely beautiful, but do nothing for me. but i say it's already good for a first write, and with a bit of revision could really turn into something.

[John]

Many thanks for your comments f.43. They are appreciated and I'll take them into account.

If I can put the last two lines in context:

mares' tails are a type of cloud formation. They are the forerunners of a warm front, and indicate bad weather to come. In that sense, they 'draw' the front, as a team of horses would 'draw' a coach. They are made of fine ice crystals, hence the ice descriptor.

If I've given you the notion that it's about (relatively) simple horse riding, that's given me something else to consider. Others may think the same. I'll need to tighten it up.

Again, thanks for your input. I can work with your comments.  


Cheers.

[billy]

i got bad weather

[Quixilated]

Strewth, this 'aint easy. I've tried to incorporate suggestions, reduce any misinterpretation, yet still make it mine and have it say what I want it to say. I've also aimed for a little simpler language.

All input appreciated.

Mares' Tails - Rev 1

White chiffon wisps canter
across azure skyfields, cold
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails;
fingers beckoning to ride
imaginary horses
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front
drawn by graceful flicks
of silken ice.

---------------------------

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails - Original

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.

Hi John,
Love this poem. I'm a huge fan of cloud watching and turning their shapes into fantasy worlds. The edit does tighten it up a bit, I especially like the readjustment at the end.

I liked it better when you didn't just spell it out with "imaginary horses." "Ethereal beasts" says exactly the same thing, and "ethereal" is a word much more suited to clouds. Also, technically, the horses are not imaginary, they are not in your mind, they do exist, just as cloud horses in the sky. When it's in Norton's Anthology, they'll just add a footnote explaining to those of us who might not know that Mare's Tails are a type of cloud.

I miss "Diaphanous" but I get why you took it out.

My favorite part:
"Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence."
Love this. Honestly, that part with the last two lines could stand alone as a shorter, slightly more mysterious poem.

Alright, that's all I've got.
--Quix

[Grace]

Hi John.

My favourite words in this are:

"thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence".

As I read them I'm picturing the mares tails.  Wondrous things like clouds render me silent.  A silence left by thundering hooves has worked for me.

I've put some notes below. Thank you for the poem. Grace.






White chiffon wisps canter
across azure skyfields, cold - I think you could leave out azure.
heralds in a rarefied realm. - cold...realm isn't needed.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails; - Good
fingers beckoning to ride
imaginary horses
along impalpable aerial ridges. - these three lines not needed.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence. - these four lines are lovely.
The weather front
drawn by graceful flicks
of silken ice.- these three lines could begin the poem.

[billy]

good edit john;

Strewth, this 'aint easy. I've tried to incorporate suggestions, reduce any misinterpretation, yet still make it mine and have it say what I want it to say. I've also aimed for a little simpler language.

All input appreciated.

Mares' Tails - Rev 1

White chiffon wisps canter
across azure skyfields, cold i like the enjambment here and the heralds in the next line which reads as 'messengers' to me, though i do know what is meant.
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails;
fingers beckoning to ride
imaginary horses this line feels to obvious, is it needed?
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour, nice sounding S's
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front
drawn by graceful flicks
of silken ice. ice seems to a bit out of line with horses. could a horse's body part be used or something more horse related. silken flanks etc.

---------------------------

First attempt at free verse.

Mares' Tails - Original

White chiffon wisps cantering
across azure skyfields, diaphanous
heralds in a rarefied realm.
Seductive hooks on Andalusian tails -
fingers beckoning to mount
and ride ethereal beasts
along impalpable aerial ridges.
Velvet noses that cannot be nuzzled,
no warm scent to savour,
thundering hooves conspicuous
by their silence.
The weather front drawn
by graceful flicks of silken ice.

[John]

Many thanks for the extra feedback, peeps. I'm going to keep working on this. All comments appreciated.

@billy - the cloud formations are the graceful, silken flicks, but the reference to ice is because they're clouds made of ice particles. I wanted that to tie in with cold heralds in a rarefied realm.

But I'll certainly consider it again.    It's far from finished.

Cheers, all.