Percussion

[Wjames]

I sat on the deck
rocking my chair to the rhythm
of the words in a children's book.

Rain fell on the metal roof of the house
in a laid back snare, backing the rhymes
with a steady roll.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Wj-

I like the sing song feel of this piece, which is in line with the content (reading a children's book).

Just a suggestion, below:

I sat on the deck, rocking my chair
to the rhythm of the rhymes
in a children's book.

Rain fell on the metal roof,
backing the lines with a steady beat,
like a laid back snare.

[Wjames]

Hey Wj-

I like the sing song feel of this piece, which is in line with the content (reading a children's book).

Just a suggestion, below:

I sat on the deck, rocking my chair
to the rhythm of the rhymes
in a children's book.

Rain fell on the metal roof,
backing the lines with a steady beat,
like a laid back snare.

Thanks for your thoughts Mark, I do prefer your first stanza, but I like the second stanza more the way it is.

I will likely change the first stanza to the way you have it, and then try and think of a new word for rhymes in the second stanza.

[Mark A Becker]

hello again wj-

Reflecting upon S. 2, I begin t think that the "snare" is a tricky instrument to convey the sizzling/pattering sound of rain on a metal roof: that's why I suggested the word "beat".

The trick will be to pair the snare's sound within the context of a children's book (as a suggestion):
" backing the tubby tubas with a steady roll."

Also- "Rain fell" should be "rain falls", as falling rain makes the sound, not rain that fell.

[Magpie]

Hi, I also like this piece and the title is perfect. I was expecting more use of onomatopoeia (thank fuck for copy+paste) bearing in mind the title.

The only bit of crit I would offer would be to drop the third 'the' in the first stanza, it doesn't seem right when read out loud.

The only other thing that I will add, which will be of no help whatsoever is that 'Percussion' is an anagram of 'Supersonic' or more appropriately 'super sonic'. Like I said not much help, but interesting I'm sure you'll agree.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Wjames]

hello again wj-

Reflecting upon S. 2,  I begin t think that the "snare" is a tricky instrument to convey the sizzling/pattering sound of rain on a metal roof: that's why I suggested the word "beat".

The trick will be to pair the snare's sound within the context of a children's book (as a suggestion):
" backing the tubby tubas with a steady roll."

Also- "Rain fell" should be "rain falls", as falling rain makes the sound, not rain that fell.

I like snare, in my head I hear the rain like a soft drum roll on a snare drum. Getting that to fit in with a children's book is definitely a challenge though. The connection for me is that rain falling on a metal roof is a very soothing sound (I find), like a children's book. Of course, a snare's drum roll is traditionally thought of in the more violent context of marching bands etc, so that's what makes it tough.
 
I think "fell" is correct, as I've established it is in the past tense with "I sat on the deck" vs "I sit on the deck".

Hi, I also like this piece and the title is perfect. I was expecting more use of onomatopoeia (thank fuck for copy+paste) bearing in mind the title.

The only bit of crit I would offer would be to drop the third 'the' in the first stanza, it doesn't seem right when read out loud.

The only other thing that I will add, which will be of no help whatsoever is that 'Percussion' is an anagram of 'Supersonic' or more appropriately 'super sonic'. Like I said not much help, but interesting I'm sure you'll agree.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

Glad you like it Mark, indeed the anagram is interesting. I did want to use some onomatopoeia (thank you for doing the work for me), but all the sounds were violent, and as I said above I wanted it to be soothing. I agree about the "the", will do.


Thanks guys.

[Magpie]

Hi,

I've had another thought about this and the 'snare' reference after reading it through again. I totally agree with you about the snare drum most closely resembling the sound of rain falling on a metal roof, I can hear it perfectly in my head the way that you intend it to be. The problem I see is the double meaning of the word 'snare', which I never thought about the first time I read it because I read it from a musicians point of view which I'm presuming is the same point of view you had when writing it. I don't know how many non musicians would read 'snare' and know that it was short for snare drum. Using the other meaning of 'snare' as a trap the line 'laid back snare' may take on an almost sinister kind of feel. 

However I'm only pointing this out because I'm not entirely sure how it would be read by someone who wasn't familiar with music terminology of instruments... Basically I am unable to read it as a non-musician and the point I've raised may be totally incorrect, but I thought I should raise it just in case. Hopefully a non-musician may say something and clear the matter up.

Cheers,
Mark

[Wjames]

Hi,

I've had another thought about this and the 'snare' reference after reading it through again. I totally agree with you about the snare drum most closely resembling the sound of rain falling on a metal roof, I can hear it perfectly in my head the way that you intend it to be. The problem I see is the double meaning of the word 'snare', which I never thought about the first time I read it because I read it from a musicians point of view which I'm presuming is the same point of view you had when writing it. I don't know how many non musicians would read 'snare' and know that it was short for snare drum. Using the other meaning of 'snare' as a trap the line 'laid back snare' may take on an almost sinister kind of feel. 

However I'm only pointing this out because I'm not entirely sure how it would be read by someone who wasn't familiar with music terminology of instruments... Basically I am unable to read it as a non-musician and the point I've raised may be totally incorrect, but I thought I should raise it just in case. Hopefully a non-musician may say something and clear the matter up.

Cheers,
Mark

Good point, I assumed "percussion" would point people in the drums direction, but I don't know if it comes off.

[Volaticus]

Hi Wjames,

Not much to offer that hasn't already been said. I must admit, like ambrosial revelation brought up, that the word snare confused me the first few times I read it, and it took me a while before I figured out it wasn't a snare for trapping animals, but rather a snare drum. But this may have more to do with me not being a native speaker of English, than it has to with the poem being in any way unclear about what's meant.
But I enjoyed your poem. I like the musical feel it has, which I think also comes through well when read out loud. Apart from the snare, I could both hear and see your poem clearly on the first reads. I think the words are well chosen, like the final word 'roll' which has that musical feel, and also takes me back to the image of the rocking chair. The poem altogether ties in with itself very well.
Thanks for an enjoyable read

- Volaticus