Berceuse

[Mark A Becker]

POET's NOTE: ber·ceuse (bĕr-sœz′) n.
1. A lullaby.
2. A soothing musical composition


Berceuse

From a
distance
faintly
humming,
comes a
presence
gently
strumming.

Passed on
among
my thoughts,
your song
is sung,
not lost.

[peacejazzspirit]

This poem says a lot in a few words. I did not find any faults, except should there not be a comma at the end of line 2? That way the first stanza reads more naturally.

[Keith]

Hi Mark
I like the idea of this, that thoughts about people pop into our consciousness and as such they stay with us, also like how you capture it as a Lullaby as that gives it child like, playful feel, my crit would have to be the two gerunds, I don't think such a short piece works well with a rhyme, my advice would be to put in a solid image of what is humming and remove thrumming leaving "comes a gentle presence". Hope this helps, Best Keith

[Mark A Becker]

Hi PJS-

I'm unsure about the comma, as well. Written as a single prose sentence, I believe the comma would be appropriate, but I do tend to "over-comma". Perhaps other grammarians will weigh in.
... Mark

Hey Keith-

While I appreciate the advice, the rhymes (and near rhymes) serve a purpose. Perhaps I'll speak to the structure in a later post. As is usual for me, I worked in several (hopefully subtle) elements. If this were a different poem, I would definitely consider using "comes a gentle presence".

Figuring out how to un-gerund "humming" and "thrumming" would probably drive me crazy (and there's no point driving myself crazy because I'm already close enough that I could walk). Besides, I'm embarrassed to admit how much time I spent on such a short piece: it sat, then re-surfaced, sat, then re-surfaced... sat, then... you get the point.

The most important thing for me is that the meaning conveyed as intended. So, no matter how many arrows I may take for the structural elements that I purposely employed, at least I'll know that the message got through.

Thanks!
... Mark

[Keith]

how much time I spent on such a short piece: it sat, then re-surfaced, sat, then re-surfaced... sat, then...  you get the point.

 

Completely understand. Best Keith

[peacejazzspirit]

[quote='Mark A Becker' pid='194686' dateline='1438276584']
Hi PJS-

I'm unsure about the comma, as well. Written as a single prose sentence, I believe the comma would be appropriate, but I do tend to "over-comma". Perhaps other grammarians will weigh in.
... Mark

Yes, I believed the comma was appropriate, because if you removed the line spacings, that would be the correct structure.

[Mark A Becker]

Keith and PJS-  I said that I 'd post the method behind the madness for Lullaby, and here it is.  It should be obvious that I spend way too much time "chiseling" on words.  Hey, it beats watching TV, and it opens me up to a lot of character building criticism.

Lullaby is a monometer poem patterned (very) loosely on a 14 line sonnet. I decided to attempt to write a sonnet in monometer, and of course, purists may say that this immediately disqualifies it as a sonnet.  So, let's just call it a "monnet".

The variation in accents from trochees in the octave to iambs in the sestet is intended to imply two voices/characters.  

The rhyme scheme also differs from a traditional sonnet, as it does not follow a scheme of ABBA ABBA CDE CDE.  The rhymes are mostly “near” or “slant” rhymes.  In this case they are A-B-C-D, A-B-C-D, E-F-G, E-F-G.  

The “hand-off” (volta) between the octave and sestet is very hard to pull off due to the monometer form.  That said, the tone does switch at that point, as the ethereal, ambiguous nature of the octave is “answered” in the sestet.

An obscure element I introduced is that the rhyme scheme is A-B-C-D-E-F-G, suggesting the seven notes of the “A minor” scale.   Would anyone recognize this element?  Of course not.  But it was “fun” implementing it.  

Hey, a lullaby is a song, so I figured it might as well be in a certain key.  The A minor key has been described as “tender and plaintive”, which I thought was appropriate for a poem about a lullaby.

Below is an outline of the structure (accents are bolded):

Lullaby

From a           A
distance         B
faintly            C
humming,       D
comes a         A
presence        B
gently            C
thrumming.    D

Passed on        E   “passed on” is likely a spondee:  / /
among            F
my thoughts,  G
your song        E
is sung,          F
not lost.         G   “not lost” is likely a spondee:  / /

[peacejazzspirit]

Keith and PJS-  I said that I 'd post the method behind the madness for Lullaby, and here it is.  It should be obvious that I spend way too much time "chiseling" on words.  Hey, it beats watching TV, and it opens me up to a lot of character building criticism.

Lullaby is a monometer poem patterned (very) loosely on a 14 line sonnet. I decided to attempt to write a sonnet in monometer, and of course, purists may say that this immediately disqualifies it as a sonnet.  So, let's just call it a "monnet".

The variation in accents from trochees in the octave to iambs in the sestet is intended to imply two voices/characters.  

The rhyme scheme also differs from a traditional sonnet, as it does not follow a scheme of ABBA ABBA CDE CDE.  The rhymes are mostly “near” or “slant” rhymes.  In this case they are A-B-C-D, A-B-C-D, E-F-G, E-F-G.  

The “hand-off” (volta) between the octave and sestet is very hard to pull off due to the monometer form.  That said, the tone does switch at that point, as the ethereal, ambiguous nature of the octave is “answered” in the sestet.

An obscure element I introduced is that the rhyme scheme is A-B-C-D-E-F-G, suggesting the seven notes of the “A minor” scale.   Would anyone recognize this element?  Of course not.  But it was “fun” implementing it.  

Hey, a lullaby is a song, so I figured it might as well be in a certain key.  The A minor key has been described as “tender and plaintive”, which I thought was appropriate for a poem about a lullaby.

Below is an outline of the structure (accents are bolded):

Lullaby

From a           A
distance         B
faintly            C
humming,       D
comes a         A
presence        B
gently            C
thrumming.    D

Passed on        E   “passed on” is likely a spondee:  / /
among            F
my thoughts,  G
your song        E
is sung,          F
not lost.         G   “not lost” is likely a spondee:  / /

Thank you Mark, I understand the structure better now, and as a musician admire your lullaby in A minor

[Keith]

how much time I spent on such a short piece: it sat, then re-surfaced, sat, then re-surfaced... sat, then...  you get the point.

 

Completely understand. Best Keith

I would like to formally retract my previous statement and replace the word 'understand' with 'befuddled'

[Mark A Becker]

Keith-

Though I am mildly befuddled by the reasoning behind your desire to request replacement of the word "understand", I shall graciously grant said request and hereby accept your formal retraction.

Please be advised that all future retractions shall require a formal forum quorum before such requests may be given further consideration for acceptation.

(If I can keep up this kind of BS I may consider running for office. I'd think I'd make a great dog catcher. Of course, I'd find all dogs 'not guilty' and wind up locking up their owners).

Boy did I ever digress. Sorry... Mark

[Magpie]

Hi Mark,

I like this, the first time I read it through I got a sense of what some people may call 'the universal mind' or 'morphic resonance' or even 'telepathy' and although I try and stay away from trippy-hippy-dog-on-a-string terms like that I still get it. In this sense the musical references are extremely appropriate and bring to mind terms like "being on the same wavelength" or "in tune with each other"

I decided to attempt to write a sonnet in monometer, and of course, purists may say that this immediately disqualifies it as a sonnet. 

Fuck the purists, pardon my French

An obscure element I introduced is that the rhyme scheme is A-B-C-D-E-F-G, suggesting the seven notes of the “A minor” scale.   Would anyone recognize this element?  Of course not.  But it was “fun” implementing it.  

Hey, a lullaby is a song, so I figured it might as well be in a certain key.  The A minor key has been described as “tender and plaintive”, which I thought was appropriate for a poem about a lullaby. 

Or A-B-C-D-E-F-G could be the D Dorian scale or the E Phrygian scale, but that's me being way too picky (and showing off I suppose). I don't think anyone would recognise this element without a couple of hints to be pointed in the right direction but I still greatly appreciate the obvious thought that you've put into this by incorporating such elements and it does make sense when considering the piece as a whole.

I was as much intrigued  by your explanation as I was by the poem which on the surface seemed simple and effective, just like a lullaby. I like the fact that you have put so much thought into it and I don't think that it has distracted from the poem itself, which can happen a lot of times when people overthink these things.

The only crit that I would offer is that the word 'thrumming' doesn't seem quite right for me. In every dictionary I've looked it up it is always associated with monotony which would seem to distract from the lullaby element, although they are meant to lull children to sleep but it's not through making them bored. A possible alternative could be 'strumming' which although essentially is the same as 'thrumming' it doesn't have any monotonous overtones and at the same time keeps that musical element going.

I was also going to ask if it were possible to have the title as a contraction of 'lullaby' like 'lull'by' so that it was two syllables like all the other lines. But because I'm not totally aware of the rules of making up or altering words then it's probably best left alone. To offend the purists once is bad but to do it twice might just be asking for trouble.

I dare you... 

Thanks for the read and the explanation,

Mark

[Mark A Becker]

Hello other Mark-

I actually did have "strumming" in this one for quite a while, and may go back to it even yet.

My personal preference for "thrumming" is twofold:  1. I like the sound of the word  2. I like the tactile nature of its definition, as if the long ago lullaby is tapping on my mind.  That said, I did abandon it for awhile due to the other part of the definition of idly/annoyingly tapping fingers.  Frankly- I'm still up in the air.  Though I am swayed toward strumming (again) because I've had more than two people point out the negative meaning of thrumming.  

Also-  there is a two syllable word for a lullaby: berceuse.   I would use that for the title, but people most certainly will need to look up that word.  That would mess with the simplicity of the piece. So maybe not.  Going with "lull'by" would be more my style, if for no other reason than to invite trouble. HOWEVER- the Dutch meaning for LUL could be construed as part of the poem and I do want to avoid LUL being interpreted as slang for "dick" or "cock".

Thanks for reading and commenting.   The musical undertones were essential and intentional.

Mark too, or Mark II, or Mark B.... take yer pick



Hi Mark,

I like this, the first time I read it through I got a sense of what some people may call 'the universal mind' or 'morphic resonance' or even 'telepathy' and although I try and stay away from trippy-hippy-dog-on-a-string terms like that I still get it. In this sense the musical references are extremely appropriate and bring to mind terms like "being on the same wavelength" or "in tune with each other"

I decided to attempt to write a sonnet in monometer, and of course, purists may say that this immediately disqualifies it as a sonnet. 

Fuck the purists, pardon my French

An obscure element I introduced is that the rhyme scheme is A-B-C-D-E-F-G, suggesting the seven notes of the “A minor” scale.   Would anyone recognize this element?  Of course not.  But it was “fun” implementing it.  

Hey, a lullaby is a song, so I figured it might as well be in a certain key.  The A minor key has been described as “tender and plaintive”, which I thought was appropriate for a poem about a lullaby. 

Or A-B-C-D-E-F-G could be the D Dorian scale or the E Phrygian scale, but that's me being way too picky (and showing off I suppose). I don't think anyone would recognise this element without a couple of hints to be pointed in the right direction but I still greatly appreciate the obvious thought that you've put into this by incorporating such elements and it does make sense when considering the piece as a whole.

I was as much intrigued  by your explanation as I was by the poem which on the surface seemed simple and effective, just like a lullaby. I like the fact that you have put so much thought into it and I don't think that it has distracted from the poem itself, which can happen a lot of times when people overthink these things.

The only crit that I would offer is that the word 'thrumming' doesn't seem quite right for me. In every dictionary I've looked it up it is always associated with monotony which would seem to distract from the lullaby element, although they are meant to lull children to sleep but it's not through making them bored. A possible alternative could be 'strumming' which although essentially is the same as 'thrumming' it doesn't have any monotonous overtones and at the same time keeps that musical element going.

I was also going to ask if it were possible to have the title as a contraction of 'lullaby' like 'lull'by' so that it was two syllables like all the other lines. But because I'm not totally aware of the rules of making up or altering words then it's probably best left alone. To offend the purists once is bad but to do it twice might just be asking for trouble.

I dare you... 

Thanks for the read and the explanation,

Mark
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