Your heart

[joesammsington]

A diamond is your heart
That I wish to steal
A prized piece of art
It is guarded by an eel

I cut your chest apart
That jewel I must take
But next to the heart
Lies the wretched snake

I kill it and smash it in two
Nothing will keep me from you
But yet again I am mocked by fate
By the fangs of the wretched snake

Which have have bitten deep into your heart
Which I in vain attempt to restart
But cardiac arrest has settled in
Love will ever be my chagrin

[JS]

Hi joesammsington - I like the strong symbolism you used in this poem with the diamond and snake, it made it easy for me to understand the deeper meaning as a reader. I get confused however with whether you mean to say there is both an eel and a snake guarding the heart or whether it is one animal/symbol?

One last comment is the first two lines of the last section. Rather than having them both start with 'Which', I thought maybe the first line could start with 'That'? Not 100% sure if this is grammatically correct for the structure of this poem as I am quite new here, but just a suggestion! Nice job overall.

[Misanthrope]

I agree with jennsmith61, changing between the eel/snake makes it strange... Perhaps try sticking with the snake? Also, perhaps try working on the meter? I struggle with that a lot too. Here is what I would do with the first stanza:

A diamond is your heart
I aim to make it mine
A priz-ed piece of art (meter things)
A serpent guards inside

Just my two cents!! Keep at it!! If you do decide to edit it, post it on here so we can see!

[BrokenSoul]

To me the poem seems disjointed. I agree with the eel/snake switch. I think you used eel simply to force a rhyme, never a good idea. Also, the first two stanzas follow the same rhyming pattern, but that pattern completely falls apart in the last two stanzas. I am far from an expert, but I think once you start with a certain style/pattern you need to maintain that through the piece. If you are struggling with rhymes, then abandon it all together and use words that add emotion, or at least simplify the pattern to something you can maintain from beginning to end. Make sure you are reading the piece out loud to yourself so that you can catch those areas where your meter breaks down.

[joesammsington]

I believe I posted this a while ago, and already got feedback on it. Thanks for your additional feedback guys, I'm just mildly confused since I don't recall having posted any poem recently.

---

To me the poem seems disjointed.  I agree with the eel/snake switch.  I think you used eel simply to force a rhyme, never a good idea.  Also, the first two stanzas follow the same rhyming pattern, but that pattern completely falls apart in the last two stanzas.  I am far from an expert, but I think once you start with a certain style/pattern you need to maintain that through the piece.  If you are struggling with rhymes, then abandon it all together and use words that add emotion, or at least simplify the pattern to something you can maintain from beginning to end.  Make sure you are reading the piece out loud to yourself so that you can catch those areas where your meter breaks down.

I already posted this poem, a good twenty odd days ago, so it's strange as to why it's all of sudden here. Anyhow, yes I used eel to force a rhyme, which I agree was not good. Thanks for your advice on reading it out loud. I see where the rhyme scheme went off now.

---

I agree with jennsmith61, changing between the eel/snake makes it strange...  Perhaps try sticking with the snake?  Also, perhaps try working on the meter?  I struggle with that a lot too.   Here is what I would do with the first stanza:

A diamond is your heart
I aim to make it mine
A priz-ed piece of art (meter things)
A serpent guards inside

Just my two cents!!  Keep at it!!   If you do decide to edit it, post it on here so we can see!

Thanks!

---

Hi joesammsington - I like the strong symbolism you used in this poem with the diamond and snake, it made it easy for me to understand the deeper meaning as a reader. I get confused however with whether you mean to say there is both an eel and a snake guarding the heart or whether it is one animal/symbol?

One last comment is the first two lines of the last section. Rather than having them both start with 'Which', I thought maybe the first line could start with 'That'? Not 100% sure if this is grammatically correct for the structure of this poem as I am quite new here, but just a suggestion! Nice job overall.

Thank you! But yeah,I used eel to force a rhyme :(. Kind of pathetic.

[Grace]

But yeah,I used eel to force a rhyme . Kind of pathetic.

Don't despair Joe...how about ( with Northern English pronunciation ):

A diamond is your heart
[something] [something] clasp
A prized piece of art
it is guarded by an asp  

Well, I tried ...

[Mark A Becker]

Hello joe:

Of course, anything happens in poems, but as soon as you ripped open your love's chest the poem died for me (along with the loved one , too, I'm sure).

The "steal" "eel" rhyme is forced, thus unbelievable.

I guess metaphorical snakes can do anything they want, including bite into diamond.

Seems like once you settled on the "diamond heart" you cornered yourself in this one.

NOVICE is the right place for this poem as a lot of work is needed.

Piece of advice: try to stay accurate. Poems allow a lot of leeway, but metaphors quickly rum amok.

If the poem could talk it may say, "I love you darling, but now that I've torn open your chest and found eels and snakes, maybe not so much. Too bad that snake bit your diamond. And uh, now that you're dead, d'ya mind if I take that diamond?"

... Mark

[QDeathstar]

A diamond is your heart. a lot of your poem is worded out of order, and even if it was for meter, it's not helpful, imo. Also, very cliche
That I wish to steal
A prized piece of art
It is guarded by an eel i read this differently that a few of the critiques... I think the eel and snake are metaphors for an existing boyfriend... They are both phalic references.... I think perhaps mention the eel or snake here, then describe the same eel or snake later in the poem... I agree about keeping the animal consistent...

I cut your chest apart why. This makes no sense to me
That jewel I must take
But next to the heart
Lies the wretched snake

I kill it and smash it in two
Nothing will keep me from you
But yet again I am mocked by fate
By the fangs of the wretched snake

Which have have bitten deep into your heart no point in breaking the stanza up here.... It's the same thot[sic]....

Which I in vain attempt to restart
But cardiac arrest has settled in
Love will ever be my chagrin meh. I feel the poem ended in a different place that where it started and just took you along or the ride...

[thewatson]

A diamond is your heart
That I wish to steal
A prized piece of art
It is guarded by an eel

I cut your chest apart
That jewel I must take
But next to the heart
Lies this wretched snake

I kill it and smash it in two
Nothing will keep me from you
But yet again I am mocked by fate
By the fangs of the wretched snake

Which have have bitten deep into your heart
Which I in vain attempt to restart
But cardiac arrest has settled in
Love will ever be my chagrin

I agree with the reply regarding the confusion between the snake and eel..
I think that, in the fourth line of the second stanza you changed the word "the" to "this", the symbolism would prevail itself better.
I feel like that would bring the eel in the first stanza and the snake in the second stanza together as one.. a symbolic being

[billy]

to wordy, watch out for inverted syntax; the first line is screwed because of it and more often than not will scare your avid reader running for cover. your imagery has to be believable. metaphor needs to work, needs to have a reason to exist. [but cardiac arrest has settled in, it that settled in like "have a cup of cocoa and smoking a pipe? it does need a large edit. a suggestion would be to spend a small amount of time going through some of the poems we have on site to see about how to create a poem with a lighter hand.

A diamond is your heart [your heart is the diamond]
That I wish to steal
A prized piece of art good [p's]
It is guarded by an eel why eel, are they good at guarding diamonds?

I cut your chest apart
That jewel I must take more inverted syntax
But next to the heart
Lies the wretched snake and now a snake?

I kill it and smash it in two
Nothing will keep me from you
But yet again I am mocked by fate
By the fangs of the wretched snake

Which have have bitten deep into your heart
Which I in vain attempt to restart
But cardiac arrest has settled in
Love will ever be my chagrin