Love is like a flower

[joesammsington]

We sit on the bench, watching the river
As it slowly passes along
I hold you as you quiver
and say you’ve done nothing wrong

Neither have I, for love is not everlasting
All good things must come to an end
Please take me at my word
When I say I want to remain your friend

I pick up a red rose
A gust of wind blows its petals away
I am sorry they have left
Yet I don't want them to stay

A bittersweet air hangs before us
A beautiful twilight flashes into my eye
Loves is like a flower
For even the most beautiful kinds die

[NobodyNothing]

We sit on the bench, watching the river
As it slowly passes along
I hold you as you quiver
and say you’ve done nothing wrong

Neither have I, for love is not everlasting
All good things must come to an end
Please take me at my word
When I say I want to remain your friend

I pick up a red rose
A gust of wind blows its petals away
I am sorry they have left
Yet I don't want them to stay

A bittersweet air hangs before us
A beautiful twilight flashes into my eye
Loves is like a flower
For even the most beautiful kinds die

The writing in this poem is better, but I can't stand the content of it.  I'll tell you why.  The "I" in the poem is a pretentious arsehole hiding behind pretty words and images.  If I had to say what this poem meant as I read it, it would be:

--I'm ending this relationship
--You're quivering because I obviously led you on and am now leaving you
--No, she's done nothing wrong, other than fall for the predatory "I" in the poem who's going to use her and leave
--"Neither have I, for love is not everlasting"...now the "I" in the poem is trying to say that they are just as big of a victim in this (Pew!)
--"Please take me at my word...I want to remain your friend..." (Vomit!)
--And all the rest of the poem seems like it's trying to make pretty what a dick the "I" in the poem was.

Rarely do I just immediately hate a poem.  This I did.  I want poetry to make me feel more human.  This made me feel less so.

Sorry.

[newsclippings]

I picked up a rose but the petals left
Sorry I'm not sorry

You know there's a song like this by Stars. "Your Ex-Lover is Dead"

I feel like I've read this line before, "Love is like a flower"

You switch audiences and it seems a little forced. I would take the first stanza and keep going.

[NobodyNothing]

I said what I said because I felt absolutely nothing from the "I" in the poem for other person in the poem except empty words and platitudes.  The other person in the poem was virtually nonexistent other than a "prop" for the writer of the poem.  I pitied (him,her) for the wasted time spent with the "I" of the poem.

I don't know any other way to read this one, from a content standpoint.

Sorry.

[joesammsington]

We sit on the bench, watching the river
As it slowly passes along
I hold you as you quiver
and say you’ve done nothing wrong
Neither have I, for love is not everlasting
All good things must come to an end
Please take me at my word
When I say I want to remain your friend
I pick up a red rose
A gust of wind blows its petals away
I am sorry they have left
Yet I don't want them to stay
A bittersweet air hangs before us
A beautiful twilight flashes into my eye
Loves is like a flower
For even the most beautiful kinds die

The writing in this poem is better, but I can't stand the content of it.  I'll tell you why.  The "I" in the poem is a pretentious arsehole hiding behind pretty words and images.  If I had to say what this poem meant as I read it, it would be:
--I'm ending this relationship
--You're quivering because I obviously led you on and am now leaving you
--No, she's done nothing wrong, other than fall for the predatory "I" in the poem who's going to use her and leave
--"Neither have I, for love is not everlasting"...now the "I" in the poem is trying to say that they are just as big of a victim in this (Pew!)
--"Please take me at my word...I want to remain your friend..." (Vomit!)
--And all the rest of the poem seems like it's trying to make pretty what a dick the "I" in the poem was.
Rarely do I just immediately hate a poem.  This I did.  I want poetry to make me feel more human.  This made me feel less so.
Sorry.

That's exactly what I intended to convey about the narrator, a pretentious asshole leaving a woman and hiding behind pretty words and images. I did intend for the reaction of the audience to be hatred for the narrator and sympathy for the girl (or guy). But I'm sorry it evoked such a negative reaction from you. You shouldn't be sorry.

[NobodyNothing]

You shouldn't be sorry for my reaction then.  You got the reaction you intended.  

[newsclippings]

We sit on the bench, watching the river
As it slowly passes along
I hold you as you quiver
and say you’ve done nothing wrong
Neither have I, for love is not everlasting
All good things must come to an end
Please take me at my word
When I say I want to remain your friend
I pick up a red rose
A gust of wind blows its petals away
I am sorry they have left
Yet I don't want them to stay
A bittersweet air hangs before us
A beautiful twilight flashes into my eye
Loves is like a flower
For even the most beautiful kinds die

The writing in this poem is better, but I can't stand the content of it.  I'll tell you why.  The "I" in the poem is a pretentious arsehole hiding behind pretty words and images.  If I had to say what this poem meant as I read it, it would be:
--I'm ending this relationship
--You're quivering because I obviously led you on and am now leaving you
--No, she's done nothing wrong, other than fall for the predatory "I" in the poem who's going to use her and leave
--"Neither have I, for love is not everlasting"...now the "I" in the poem is trying to say that they are just as big of a victim in this (Pew!)
--"Please take me at my word...I want to remain your friend..." (Vomit!)
--And all the rest of the poem seems like it's trying to make pretty what a dick the "I" in the poem was.
Rarely do I just immediately hate a poem.  This I did.  I want poetry to make me feel more human.  This made me feel less so.
Sorry.

That's exactly what I intended to convey about the narrator, a pretentious asshole leaving a woman and hiding behind pretty words and images. I did intend for the reaction of the audience to be hatred for the narrator and sympathy for the girl (or guy). But I'm sorry it evoked such a negative reaction from you. You shouldn't be sorry.

An honest response to this would bump up my warning level to over 9000. Where's Leanne when you need her?

[NobodyNothing]

Fine.  No big deal.  I wasn't trying to be "snarky", not my style.  It was hard for me to separate the "narrator" from the "poem", as the narrator of the poem was the essential spirit of this poem.  

I don't know.  I'm not a good critic.  I just say what I like or dislike about form and content.  That's all I know, and that's not much.

[joesammsington]

I picked up a rose but the petals left
Sorry I'm not sorry
You know there's a song like this by Stars. "Your Ex-Lover is Dead"
I feel like I've read this line before, "Love is like a flower"
You switch audiences and it seems a little forced. I would take the first stanza and keep going.

You hit the nail on the head. The narrator is an ass and is basically saying, yeah I'm sorry, but not really, cause I'm self-centered. You're right, it didn't quite come out easily. At first I envisioned a couple at the twilight of their relationship breaking-up. Both wanting to end it yet having difficulty letting go, remembering how they felt for each other before, but no more. I think I'll heed your advice and redo it. Thanks!

---

Fine.  No big deal.  I wasn't trying to be "snarky", not my style.  It was hard for me to separate the "narrator" from the "poem", as the narrator of the poem was the essential spirit of this poem.  
I don't know.  I'm not a good critic.  I just say what I like or dislike about form and content.  That's all I know, and that's not much.

Sorry for misinterpreting your response.

[joesammsington]

Drought has swept through all the land
We wistfully reminisce of the rains of last year;
The budding romance it had so furnished
And together shed a sorrowful tear

Passion once held us together
And together we stayed
And though, love, we said it’d never,
Passion mercilessly strayed

So just as autumn follows summer
All things must come to an end
I hope that though you are no longer my lover
You will stay and remain my friend

So there is no need to weep
Nor is there to cry
Love is like a beautiful flower
Even the most beautiful kinds die

---

I re-wrote this because I originally intended my original poem to be about a poem at the twilight of their relationship, breaking up mutually, but I changed the theme and it got a negative response. So, hopefully, this re-write gets a better one. Thanks!

[Brownlie]

Drought has swept through all the land -- All the land does not need "all," it only serves the meter. 
We wistfully reminisce of the rains of last year; -the meter may be off here. Also, too many ofs in this line.
The budding romance it had so furnished -- In this context the word romance makes me think of the genre. However, that is not really a problem to me. Yet, in my opinion, you have to justify a phrase like "budding romance" with your content. Also the syntax seems a little iffy in this line.
And together shed a sorrowful tear

Passion once held us together
And together we stayed
And though, love, we said it’d never,-- I guess "love" is being used as a noun here to refer to a person. I sort of like the swerving commas and misdirection here. However, that could very well be just me. 
Passion mercilessly strayed 

So just as summer follows autumn -- Normally winter follows autumn, and then you've got the death and whatnot. 
All things must come to an end
I hope that though you are no longer my lover
You will stay and remain my friend -- This seems cheesy, but it doesn't seem like a bad message or complete bullshit.

So there is no need to weep
Nor is there to cry
Love is like a beautiful flower
Even the most beautiful kinds die

---

I re-wrote this because I originally intended my original poem to be about a poem at the twilight of their relationship, breaking up mutually, but I changed the theme and it got a negative response. So, hopefully, this re-write gets a better one. Thanks!

This is not so bad in my opinion. I guess I would suggest that you make this poem more original. Maybe the themes presented here are too general. Thanks for posting it was fun. 

[joesammsington]

"I guess love is being used as a noun here to refer to a person. I sort of like the swerving commas and misdirection here. However, that could very well be just me."
I'm using "love" just as one would say "dear". term of endearment. More common in the U.K., presuming your American. Oh and thank you very much for your detailed annotations! Very helpful.

[tectak]

Little things mean a lot...to begin with a cliche...so a run through...
Drought has swept through all the land "all the" is weak and seems to make you a meter whore. "Has" or "had swept"? So. "Drough had swept across the land" seems to make easier reading. Certainly "had" and "across" make for clarity."
We wistfully reminisce of the rains of last year; "wistfully" seems redundant in front of "reminisce"...it says "We wistfully wistfully recall of(?) the rains of last year". Do you reminisce "of"? Surely, one reminisces "about"? A moot point.
The budding romance it had so furnished It? What is "it". Do you refer to the rains? Then plural. Take care. You are not reading your work out loud. You are a veritable treasure chest of cliches. " budding romance" and "sorrowful tear" are both suspect.
And together shed a sorrowful tear I cannot pretend that the silly habit of capitalising every line is working. It forces you to capitalise conjunctions

Passion once held us together
And together we stayed
And though, love, we said it’d never, Dreadful. Surely you can see that? This whole stanza is an unnecessary example of hopeless grammar, syntax,intent and competence. You are better than this and would have been seen to be so by losing this stanza in the edit.
Passion mercilessly strayed

So just as autumn follows summer Cliche...which is also slantingly inaccurate. Autumn DOES follow summer...in fact it begins. So ALL things have not come to an end. You are reeling out mismatched cliches. Why? This is just lazy.
All things must come to an end Cliche...How many times have you read this line. Use your OWN words.
I hope that though you are no longer my lover
You will stay and remain my friend Punctuation would normally help but in this weird world of meandering meter it is probably inconsequential.

So there is no need to weep
Nor is there to cry
Love is like a beautiful flower
Even the most beautiful kinds die YUKKKK! I only just got that out as I was choking on cliches. I think this stanza is unsalvageable.


As others will tell you, this kind of "love" poetry is very difficult to pull off as so much is cliche before you start. The moon, June, spoon syndrome is only part of it. You MUST read your work out loud then edit the hell out of it until it is as near perfect as you can get. You write with heart but that is not enough. I would enjoy reading a poem of passion from you which had as the subject matter some poignant and novel vignette...provided you punctuated to clarity, avoid cliches, stopped getting "andy", dropped the unrelated "it" word and said something, anything, in a new way. That you want to write poetry is beyond doubt...but do not think it is easy. If you want critique then this is where you belong.
Best,
tectak

---

I re-wrote this because I originally intended my original poem to be about a poem at the twilight of their relationship, breaking up mutually, but I changed the theme and it got a negative response. So, hopefully, this re-write gets a better one. Thanks!

[billy]

calm down people, it's a poetry thread. /mod

the bench or a bench, should we know this bench?

the poem has too many clichés. say it in a fresh way. the concept is extremely cliche...my love is like a red red rose...and there are hundreds more ways the same thing has been stated.

We sit on the bench, watching the river
As it slowly passes along a wasted line, [pass by] give an image to the reader [like a....fat snake] or wet brush stroke]
I hold you as you quiver quiver is forced. and the next line is too weak.
and say you’ve done nothing wrong

Neither have I, for love is not everlasting
All good things must come to an end
Please take me at my word
When I say I want to remain your friend

I pick up a red rose
A gust of wind blows its petals away
I am sorry they have left
Yet I don't want them to stay

A bittersweet air hangs before us
A beautiful twilight flashes into my eye
Loves is like a flower
For even the most beautiful kinds die

[joesammsington]

I don't know what you're going on about with the second quatrain. It was free of grammatical errors and the syntax looked fine to me. Also, one does, in fact, reminisce of things. You could say "about", but it doesn't quite roll off the tongue. All of your other edits were great and looked fine, and they are appreciated, but if you could be a little more specific on the second quatrain it would be helpful.
And furthermore, I clearly said autumn followed summer. Seasons end (hence the "all things must end") and new ones begin. What exactly don't you comprehend?

[tectak]

I don't know what you're going on about with the second quatrain. It was free of grammatical errors and the syntax looked fine to me. Also, one does, in fact, reminisce of things. You could say "about", but it doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Yes...I agree. You DON'T know what I am going on about...but you will now feel very silly when I correct your use of the word "reminisce". It is "reminiscent OF" but one "reminisces ABOUT".
Best,
tectak

[joesammsington]

I don't know what you're going on about with the second quatrain. It was free of grammatical errors and the syntax looked fine to me. Also, one does, in fact, reminisce of things. You could say "about", but it doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Yes...I agree. You DON'T know what I am going on about...but you will now feel very silly when I correct your use of the word "reminisce". It is "reminiscent OF" but one "reminisces ABOUT".
Best,
tectak

Just as you can think "OF" something and think "ABOUT" something, you can reminisce "OF" something and reminisce "ABOUT" something. Are you thick? They are interchangeable and your haughty attitude is making YOU look silly, not me.
"I reminisced of times past", sound far better than "I reminisced about times past". Both sentences are grammatically correct, but one sounds better than the other. As a side note, please stop writing in bold. It reads as though you're screaming like Adolf Hitler in one of his speeches.

[joesammsington]

calm down people, it's a poetry thread. /mod

the bench or a bench, should we know this bench?

the poem has too many clichés. say it in a fresh way. the concept is extremely cliche...my love is like a red red rose...and there are hundreds more ways the same thing has been stated.

We sit on the bench, watching the river
As it slowly passes along a wasted line, [pass by] give an image to the reader [like a....fat snake] or wet brush stroke]
I hold you as you quiver quiver is forced. and the next line is too weak.
and say you’ve done nothing wrong

Neither have I, for love is not everlasting
All good things must come to an end
Please take me at my word
When I say I want to remain your friend

I pick up a red rose
A gust of wind blows its petals away
I am sorry they have left
Yet I don't want them to stay

A bittersweet air hangs before us
A beautiful twilight flashes into my eye
Loves is like a flower
For even the most beautiful kinds die

Yeah; it was a very cliched poem. I'm sure I'll come up with something more original. Thanks for the feedback!

[tectak]

I don't know what you're going on about with the second quatrain. It was free of grammatical errors and the syntax looked fine to me. Also, one does, in fact, reminisce of things. You could say "about", but it doesn't quite roll off the tongue.

Yes...I agree. You DON'T know what I am going on about...but you will now feel very silly when I correct your use of the word "reminisce". It is "reminiscent OF" but one "reminisces ABOUT".
Best,
tectak

Just as you can think "OF" something and think "ABOUT" something, you can reminisce "OF" something and reminisce "ABOUT" something. Are you thick? They are interchangeable and your haughty attitude is making YOU look silly, not me.
"I reminisced of times past", sound far better than "I reminisced about times past". Both sentences are grammatically correct, but one sounds better than the other. As a side note, please stop writing in bold. It reads as though you're screaming like Adolf Hitler in one of his speeches.

Your attitude to critique does not become you. Comments in bold are to clearly indicate whatever must be isolated from the "body" of the poem. There are other options but we are not given to shouting. Kindly modify your response to critics who are trying to help you. Mod.

---

Yes...I agree. You DON'T know what I am going on about...but you will now feel very silly when I correct your use of the word "reminisce". It is "reminiscent OF" but one "reminisces ABOUT".
Best,
tectak

Just as you can think "OF" something and think "ABOUT" something, you can reminisce "OF" something and reminisce "ABOUT" something. Are you thick? They are interchangeable and your haughty attitude is making YOU look silly, not me.
"I reminisced of times past", sound far better than "I reminisced about times past". Both sentences are grammatically correct, but one sounds better than the other. As a side note, please stop writing in bold. It reads as though you're screaming like Adolf Hitler in one of his speeches. Using "of" after "reminisce" is, as you say, applicable WHEN the word has no modifier. I admit I am back-tracking here, and it is my own fault for not following through with the original point, but what your line says is "....wistfully (reminisce) of...". You include the modifier in the verb. This means that you get  a clumsy linkage,  "wistfully of". I am being pedantic, and I appreciate that you are looking for "sounding better" so we are polarised.

Your attitude to critique does not become you. Comments in bold are to clearly indicate whatever must be isolated from the "body" of the poem. There are other options but we are not given to shouting. Kindly modify your response to critics who are trying to help you. Mod.

[sunilmathur]

I agree with what the others have said about the content---that it is entirely one-sided with the man expressing opinions and endorsing them himself, the woman's point of view not being presented at all. However, read as a poem, I find that it flows easily and the rhyming too is natural and not forced as in many poems. In the penultimate line, instead of 'Loves', the singular 'Love' would perhaps be more appropriate.