Cloven

[Volaticus]

Cloven

looking down
at barren garden -
the petal foursome




(First poem I've written in quite a while. Probably still quite rusty. Good to be back here, reading and writing poetry. )

[newsclippings]

Welcome back Volaticus.

When you look at a garden do you look down or across? Small garden I suppose. Thanks for the read. :]

[Volaticus]

Welcome back Volaticus.

When you look at a garden do you look down or across? Small garden I suppose. Thanks for the read. :]

Thanks (:

And good point. I guess in my mind it was obvious that the petals were floating in the wind, above the garden, looking down at it. I can see how that image doesn't come across the way I wanted it to. I'll give it some thought, thanks (:

[Cousin Kil]

Hi Volaticus,

I think the best move in fine tuning/scraping the rust from your poem is supplying some REALLY POTENT imagery
that's the trick with short poems like haikus,
you need something to make it stick to the wall when you throw it, and with such little space, there's not much room to make it lasting
Personally I did not get the image of petals floating in the wind even remotely
try to cut the lines even sharper and fuller to get as far away from the abstract as you can
that way you can get the image to evoke a feeling from the reader, which is the beauty of haikus
you're not saying, you really are showing with words

I'm curious, what do you want us to feel when we read this?

[Magpie]

Hi Louise, how the devil are you? It's really good to see you back here again.

I'm a little bit confused with your haiku, I think that your intention was to show a juxtaposition between an apparently desolate place (barren garden) with a symbol of good luck (four leaf clover) which I do like the idea of. What confused me was the title 'cloven' which is the past participle of 'cleave' which means to split or divide something which wouldn't seem appropriate in this haiku. Although at a stretch I could possibly see it working. I was wondering if you meant 'clovered'?

You could possibly have 'barren garden' is the first line then the last line the same then the middle line now has extra space to connect the two. Quite a lot of good haiku use what some people call the zoom technique so that each line's perspective zooms in closer, this could possibly work here. Just a thought.

Welcome back again,
thanks for the read,

Mark

[Volaticus]

Hi Louise, how the devil are you? It's really good to see you back here again.

I'm a little bit confused with your haiku, I think that your intention was to show a juxtaposition between an apparently desolate place (barren garden) with a symbol of good luck (four leaf clover) which I do like the idea of. What confused me was the title 'cloven' which is the past participle of 'cleave' which means to split or divide something which wouldn't seem appropriate in this haiku. Although at a stretch I could possibly see it working. I was wondering if you meant 'clovered'?

You could possibly have 'barren garden' is the first line then the last line the same then the middle line now has extra space to connect the two. Quite a lot of good haiku use what some people call the zoom technique so that each line's perspective zooms in closer, this could possibly work here. Just a thought.

Welcome back again,
thanks for the read,

Mark

Hi Mark, and thanks for the warm welcome. It’s really good to be back here. Unfortunately I had to take a long break from poetry, but now I’m back again, ready to dig my claws back into it. I’m aware my claws need sharpening, so I really appreciate your thoughts on my little poem.

I’m glad to hear that you noticed some of the things I was trying to do. I was indeed trying to (emphasis on trying) show some kind of juxtaposition (I had completely forgotten that word until now) between the two and I’m glad you noticed the four-leaf clover as a symbol of good luck, although I’m thinking maybe it isn’t clear enough. The poem definitely needs some work still. Regarding the title, I did mean to use the word ‘cloven’. In my mind, I was thinking about the dividing or splitting of the clover from the garden. How the four-leaf clover was now free from an otherwise barren garden, and the contrast between it. The contrast between being lucky and unlucky, free and bound. The clover now looking down at its former home. I chose ‘looking down’ because of its double meaning: To look down from above and to see someone as being less than you are. That’s also part of the reason why I chose that title. But now I clearly see how I didn’t manage to show much of my “vision” in the poem and that it certainly could be worded and structured so it has more clarity and.. punch.

I do like your idea of trying to use the zoom technique, and the idea of having ‘barren garden’ in the first line and then the last line the same as now. Some of the earlier versions of the poem had the lines like that, but I struggled writing the middle line so that it connected properly with the rest of the poem the way I wanted it to.

Anyway, I think I’ve been rambling enough now. You’ve given me a lot to think about and have offered some good suggestions that I will try to put to good use in my revisions. I appreciate the feedback a great deal.

Thanks a lot,
Louise

---

Hi Volaticus,

I think the best move in fine tuning/scraping the rust from your poem is supplying some REALLY POTENT imagery
that's the trick with short poems like haikus,
you need something to make it stick to the wall when you throw it, and with such little space, there's not much room to make it lasting
Personally I did not get the image of petals floating in the wind even remotely
try to cut the lines even sharper and fuller to get as far away from the abstract as you can
that way you can get the image to evoke a feeling from the reader, which is the beauty of haikus
you're not saying, you really are showing with words

I'm curious, what do you want us to feel when we read this?

Hi Cousin Kil,

Thank you a lot for your insights. You’re right, with so little space there’s not much room to make it lasting. And I see how I need to make the poem more sharp and clear, I see how it comes off as being too abstract, which is not what I aimed for. The petals floating in the wind is an image I need to work on a lot, I think. Or rework completely. I still want to keep the poem short, so I really have to think carefully about the words I use since there’s so few of them. There’s really no room for error. You’ve given me some good things to consider for future revisions, so thanks a bunch.

- Volaticus