Won't Go On Pretending

[Bianca Alabaster]

Rainfall descends
from the heavens
a cold gathering
nothing begins.
feels like my soul
is bleeding out
falling from me
like the pouring rain

heart pieces
chunking to the
floor of my car
as I drive
not feeling
but alive
someone is
planning my
suicide.

She should just drive
off the bridge
when I come to it.
Or crash madly
into the two
semis nearby.


I won't go on pretending
that life is worth the living
that I'm not really suicidal
that I can really convince
myself that I'm worthwhile.

For I am the bringer
of pain, though I
didn't mean to be.
Now when will he trust
again, and how will
I forgive me?

So I'll fight to stay alive
on the remainder of the drive
and comfort myself with
plans of my suicide.

There's always the river
beyond my back door
and if I survive that -
the coyote pack will
bring me to nevermore.

She heard the piano playing
the last minutes of her life
like she was at the river
the water in her lungs
and her heart beating
its last few seconds
in the tinkle of the
piano cords.

The pretender stood here
in these shoes
new ones
brown leather clogs
with silver and copper facets
she liked them
they made her look feminine.
shoes are all that's left
at the river bank
where she swam away
into the cold cold water
into the cold cold night
into the deep sleep she
coveted more than life.


for she won't go on pretending
she tried her best one more time
she tried her best at dying.

©Jan4 2010

[billy]

did you mean clunking?

i really loved these two verse;
So I'll fight to stay alive
on the remainder of the drive
and comfort myself with
plans of my suicide.

There's always the river
beyond my back door
and if I survive that -
the coyote pack will
bring me to nevermore.

and this one;
The pretender stood here
in these shoes
new ones
brown leather clogs
with silver and copper facets
she liked them
they made her look feminine.
shoes are all that's left
at the river bank
where she swam away
into the cold cold water
into the cold cold night
into the deep sleep she
coveted more than life.

and also the 3rd verse

some good images through out the poem.
and much to like about as a whole.

thanks for the read bianca.

[addy]

Some inspired lines in this one. This read a lot like a song to me.

An rare dark piece from you, bianca. Thanks for sharing this

[heslopian]

This reminded me somewhat of the great Eminem video Stan, about a mentally ill man who drived himself and his pregnant girlfriend off a highway. Same relentlessly bleak but affecting sadness, couple with real, insightful lines.

heart pieces
chunking to the
floor of my car
as I drive
not feeling
but alive
someone is
planning my
suicide.

The first half of this verse is sweetly melancholy, the second grippingly sinister. For some reason, that bit about someone planning the narrator's suicide reminds me of the old saying "step into my parlour, said the spider to the fly."

All in all, a beautiful mix of the sad, the bizarre and the very very dark. As Addy said, an unusual style for you, but you pull it off well.

[Bianca Alabaster]

Thanks everyone very much. Yes I did mean "chunking" though clunking would have fit as well.
It was a dark mood for me and a tough time. Glad that the writing of it "cut my writst and did the bleeding" so to speak instead of it being literal. HA!

Felt much better after being a bit sinister. I could really see those shoes there...

[lizzyrose12]

Okay, I'll admit that the suicide thing put me off a bit at the beggining (Cliche) I thought you were another 'emo' kid writing about being depressed. Then I read the whole poem and was very moved by it! It was beautiful to say the least. Bravo on your good work!

[Bianca Alabaster]

thanks Lizzy. yes there are lots of depressed people writing too much. LOL. but glad you liked it.