The wharfie

[joesammsington]

I toil on the wharfs, all day I see
Magnificent ships that'll never carry me,
Welts on my back rise from the foreman's whip
If I fail to fully stock a single ship

I am fated to be a lowly stevedore,
loading and unloading, nothing more,
Shouted at by a toff all day and night,
I resolve to set his vessel alight

Ever-careful not to be seen,
I douse his deck with gasoline
I cut the ropes from the cleats
And set him and his yacht adrift

[HardScotch]

That's a little dark, but if you used a bit more sentence structure, you can make the mood seem even darker in all three stanza's. I feel like it lost its effect in the second stanza.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Joe-

Where ya going with that.... WHA...? HUH?... OOPs, sorry got that song stuck in my head...

Please read this to yourself (aloud) and you will find the places where the meter trips up...
When I get to this line- I resolve to set his vessel alight- my tongue falls apart.

The trips I take on the meter adversely impact my reaction to the story, and it is an OK story.

... Mark

I toil on the wharfs, all day I see
Magnificent ships that'll never carry me,
Welts on my back rise from the foreman's whip
If I fail to fully stock a single ship

I am fated to be a lowly stevedore,
loading and unloading, nothing more,
Shouted at by a toff all day and night,
I resolve to set his vessel alight

Ever-careful not to be seen,
I douse his deck with gasoline
I cut the ropes from the cleats
And set him and his yacht adrift

[Weeded]

I toil on the wharfs, all day I see
Magnificent ships that'll never carry me,
Welts on my back rise from the foreman's whip
If I fail to fully stock a single ship

I am fated to be a lowly stevedore,
loading and unloading, nothing more,
Shouted at by a toff all day and night,
I resolve to set his vessel alight
This last line seems a little short.

Ever-careful not to be seen,
I douse his deck with gasoline
I was really hoping the gasoline idea was going to continue... Fire!
I cut the ropes from the cleats
And set him and his yacht adrift

I don't know why but if Eazy-E was still alive I could see him rapping this.

[AndyB]

Hi Joesammington,

I enjoyed reading your poem. The only suggestion I have is to change the last line as it doesn't follow the rhyme scheme of the rest of the poem causing the character's significant triumph to come off a little flat.

[spherical]

Hello,

Thanks for sharing.

The first line reads very awkwardly, though I felt as though the rhythm and meter became more comfortable to read over the course of the poem. I think if you replaced it with a new line altogether, or played around to add in some additional descriptors, you could make it work.

Actually, the first stanza as a whole is a bit odd. It's important to set up the imagery properly, but the meter needs a lot of work.

Once I'm clear of the first stanza, I actually enjoy the poem. Some small adjustments to meter here and there would be good, but I see what you are going for here and I like the idea overall.

[justlikeyou]

Yes, I agree that "dark" is a feeling that comes to mind here. I like it though, with only a few suggestions.

I toil on the wharfs, all day I see
Magnificent ships that'll never carry me,
Welts on my back rise from the foreman's whip (Welts on my back from the foreman's whip?)
If I fail to fully stock a single ship (When I fail to stock a single ship?)

I am fated to be a lowly stevedore,
loading and unloading, nothing more,
Shouted at by a toff all day and night, (Shouted at by the snob day and night?)
I resolve to set his vessel alight

Ever-careful not to be seen,
I douse his deck with gasoline
I cut the ropes from the cleats
And set him and his yacht adrift

[Jezie]

I liked this poem, especially because of its darkness... It took the downtrodden worker into a vengeful one and it works... I agree with everyone's critique so will not be redundant... One piece of advice that was given to me and I will pass on; add a few spaces at the end of the poem so it is seperated from your signature ... It makes for easier reading ...

[RiverNotch]

I toil on the wharfs, all day I see
Magnificent ships that'll never carry me,
Welts on my back rise from the foreman's whip
If I fail to fully stock a single ship

I am fated to be a lowly stevedore,
loading and unloading, nothing more,
Shouted at by a toff all day and night,
I resolve to set his vessel alight

Ever-careful not to be seen,
I douse his deck with gasoline
I cut the ropes from the cleats
And set him and his yacht adrift

The punctuation's a bit awkward in the first stanza: the commas there should be periods, and there should be a period at the end. The last line of the second stanza does run too short, and again, that should be two sentences, not one. The third stanza, too, should be set in two sentences, not one. I know this is poetry, and punctuation in the art could be missing as a choice, but the choice of leaving them behind here is either unclear or nonexistent, so that they just end up detracting.

The slightly awkward rhymes and the springy meter work very well with the story. By the last line of the second stanza, the rhythm is gutted, and everything becomes somewhat stilted, but I guess that could be the point of the poem, with the snapping of the wharfie's character. I think the story runs incomplete at this point, however, for three things. First, the first line of the last stanza is completely unnecessary: what does it say of the stevedore, of the whole act, that we can't already infer? Second, the action is incomplete: the stevedore resolves to set the vessel alight, but, well, doesn't. Third, there's a thought about to precipitate there, some wholesome remark that would settle the snapping of the wharfie's character with the calm, thoughtful nature of his thoughts in the first six lines, but it simply doesn't: perhaps a final couplet to end the whole thing, to round everything off?

[Genuinebloke]

The poem was trundling along pleasantly then it really notched up a gear at the start of the final stanza. I loved "I douse his deck with gasoline" and did not see it coming. After that, however, it closed very abruptly. The final two lines were very short, unlike the final lines of the previous stanzas. I think a few more syllables in each would have given the reader more room to savour the final victory.

[billy]

have a look at the basic meter thread Leanne did here
have a look and see if you can take something from it.  a constant meter would help the poem's rhythm no end.
try and use some imagery; how does the ship burn etc.
try and be less obvious with phrase. change them round, or change them up;
example:
I work the wharves....

look at W's hear sounds when said out loud, it's call alliteration, one of many poetic devices you could use. the sound of words should or could [usually] play an important role in our work

I toil on the wharfs, all day I see
Magnificent ships that'll never carry me,
Welts on my back rise from the foreman's whip
If I fail to fully stock a single ship

I am fated to be a lowly stevedore,
loading and unloading, nothing more,
Shouted at by a toff all day and night,
I resolve to set his vessel alight

Ever-careful not to be seen,
I douse his deck with gasoline
I cut the ropes from the cleats
And set him and his yacht adrift

[phil194]

I enjoyed reading this. It had a nice little ring of revenge in it. Honestly I think it could have been a little longer. I think the last line of the first stanza could have used one more word - maybe an adjective for ship - to make it flow a little more smoothly. And I agree with the others who said the last two lines of the last stanza would carry more weight if they rhymed like the rest.

[AshleighWood]

I liked the dark turn at the end!

On a minor note I was a bit thrown by the size of the boat / ship / vessel! The beginning said "ship" which makes me think large. The fact that there is a foreman reinforces that. "vessel" is still keeping me thinking its big but then "yacht" makes it suddenly shrink!

[thepoorfortune]

I really like your storyline idea, but it wasn't evident from the beginning that it would turn so dark. I guess that would he part of its appeal - the downward spiral. I liked the rhythm and rhymes, but the very last line bugged me a bit. It seems like you had written this really interesting poem and then couldn't quite determine how you would conclude it while also keeping the fabric of the story preferable. That happens to me a lot. Hopefully you can work these few tweaks out and have a really nice catch!