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Man, it's so close! SO CLOSE. Or maybe not. I actually don't know.
Wait, it's tomorrow? Huh. For the westerners. For the easterners, it's....wow, March 14. That's a gap! Anyway, first edit, as per Erthona's suggestion:
LENT
Lady Luna's copper tonight,
but up there, the air is dry.
Come on, let's meet and dance tonight,
cause' all preachers do is lie!
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Don't like doing this, but maybe an edit?
Tonight Lady Luna's coppery bright,
but up there the air is so dry.
Come on, let's meet up and dance tonight,
cause all preachers do is lie!
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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(01-29-2016, 10:26 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: LENT
Lady Luna's copper tonight,
but up there, the air is dry.
Come on, let's meet and dance tonight,
for all preachers do is lie.
1. The 'but' in L2 implies a contradiction between being cuprous and being dry, which I would guess is not the intention. I don't know if there is any more direct connection between Lent, copper, and dryness (apart from meaning 'no alcohol' for the third).
2. if you're repeating 'tonight' in L3, that word should be preceded by one that rhymes with 'copper'
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Erthona (or should it be dale?):
Rhythmically I think yours is clumsier, methinks. The last two lines in yours lose a syllable each compared to their counterparts, a syllable which I can plainly hear (though only really define when I counted). But I do like your version of the first line (coppery bright!), because it kills redundancy -- that said, I'm not sure if doing so will remove the emphasis on copper, and, as noted by the following, I need it -- and "cause" and the exclamation point are golden.
Achebe:
1. My intent was to make an esoteric (or for anyone into the sciences, "pretentiously intellectual", xP), though, er, danceable (okay fine rhythmical) little quatrain that would work with a singular but skewed logic. I know explaining kills a poem, but I feel this is necessary (as well as, for this poem specifically, quite fun):
Obvious to all, it seems, Lady Luna's the moon, so said because prosody. Copper is a possible color of the moon, as well as the metal of the planet Venus, the planet of love -- there's probably a closer connection, like copper being actually the metal of love, but I have no idea about that. Copper rusts faster in wet air, and when it rusts, it turns blue (see Liberty island). Meet is a slight pun; dance, well, dance. Preachers tend to define the end of Lent, and if my understanding of that (bloody) article on the liturgical calendar is right, lent grows longer with a blue moon. And the sentiment of the speaker here (not me for most) is pro-dancing, anti-clerical. Thus, cuprous and but are intended.
Of course, this might have a less complicated meaning that I'm completely missing, but I'm an idiot -- if that were so, I'll consider myself very, very lucky on this one. For those who find this to be utterly devoid of hope, well, generally good poetry shouldn't be like that, but with my vain intentions here, the objects (and thus, the doggerel-ness) stay.
2. Eh? I don't get it. That rhyme is unnecessary -- and, to be honest, I only repeated because I ran out of rhymes, and a proper quatrain is funner than abcb.
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