I hate this

[Weeded]

Edit 1

Fuck insomnia!
Open eye attempts at rest;
Shutdown come sunrise.

Original

I can't seem to sleep
Forcing eyes shut hourly
Forever it seems

[John]

I can't seem to sleep That will make the line concise
Forcing eyes shut hourly Eyes forced shut gets rid of the gerund and a word
Forever it seems 'Seems' was used already, and the line hasn't any punch to end. What about 'endless minutes tick by'? Something to highlight the slow drag of time.

Just some thoughts. I endure that most nights - I'm told it's an active brain of the more intelligent...  

[Weeded]

Oh wow, haikus seem hard. Or maybe it was just my poor word choice. Haha that's quite the optimism! I feel like it's crazy man's schedule 

[tectak]

I can't seem to sleep
Forcing eyes shut hourly
Forever it seems

Hi weed,-
I can see (who couldn't?) that you are determined to stick to convention, 5-7-5 syllables and that is commendable but probably restrictive in this one.
Redundant words and ommisions are the bane of haiku writers, if not all mathematical poets. I am not best placed to offer pedantic advice because I don't often tinker with this form but if you can acccept some general comments...?
First, make sure you have something to say. Traditional haiku is content-sensitive but there has always been a trend towards anglicising the form and this permits for simple succinctness with practically any micro-theme. So here you want to say you are tired but are kept awake by the concentration of effort required to bring about sleep...manifestly the forced closing of your eyes....yes? I am asking for confirmation because you have missed your own delicious paradox. If you can make the irony apparent in three short lines then you may have a haiku.
Second, don't force the form...ever. Using redundant words like "seems" makes little sense. How does one seem to not sleep?
You need five syllables to say  angrily "I can't sleep" So get angry. "Damn it, I can't sleep". Next, why not?
"Awake, I can force eyes shut". The paradox is coming...
"Asleep, they open"

Haiku.

Your poem,
best,
tectak

[Weeded]

Tectak,

For one who doesn't engage in this form your response is quite the eye-opener. I'm not one to dabble in the haiku form either but the sudden burst of poems in this section prompted me to give it a try. For one who doesn't engage in this form you said what I was trying to say, quite easily too! Looks like I'm going to have to take a step back, and continue studying other works.. Thanks!

Mike

[tectak]

Tectak,

For one who doesn't engage in this form your response is quite the eye-opener. I'm not one to dabble in the haiku form either but the sudden burst of poems in this section prompted me to give it a try. For one who doesn't engage in this form you said what I was trying to say, quite easily too! Looks like I'm going to have to take a step back, and continue studying other works.. Thanks!

Mike

lt ain't that haiku is hard...it is just like any discipline...easy to do badly but harder to do well. Thing is, there's no satisfaction in easy.
Best,
tectak
PS. Do try writing more haiku. Though many ignore the 575 in favour of nothing at all, sticking to it does help the writer to be compact. Padding never wins over precision.

[billy]

I can't seem to sleep
Forcing eyes shut hourly
Forever it seems

try and make the 2nd part more obtuse and try cut out ing words and any other excess.

an example

eyes forced shut
no sleep-
one sheep two sheep thre

don't overly worry about syllable count. just keep each line as short as possible or use the 575 but make sure every word of it counts.

[Weeded]

Will do billy, thanks!

[RiverNotch]

"Fuck insomnia!
Open eye attempts at rest;
Shutdown come sunrise."

I don't like the headline. Too explicit, for my taste, and not just because of the swear word. The haikus I've enjoyed (though there's not as much I've read, I warn you) tend to explode with the turn, not right at the start -- the thought must be eased in, like a traveling monk into his death hut.

Something hammy with "open eye attempts at rest". The "at" makes it sound less, er, simple, and simple's good for this stuff, I hear. And "Open eye" feels like a unit of thought that could be mashed up into one better whole -- right now, just sounds clunky.

I don't see the turn. It's not clear enough for me for a good gut punch, nor for a good minute of thinking. Something perhaps about the added load of "shutdown".

Also, why's this site suddenly filling with haikus? Is this what autumn does to you temperate-habitat,er,ted peeps?

[Weeded]

Rivernotch,

Yeah every time I read what I wrote compared to others it just don't sound right. Your response makes it clear what I'm doing wrong so I thank you for that, I'm not sure what's with the haikus but I decided to hop on the bandwagon while it's rollin lol.

"Like a traveling monk into his death hut." That needs to be a line somewhere... Just sayin

[ellajam]

Here are a few threads I found that might help, also try the Important Threads of this forum.

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=5432

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=5432

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=15532

[Weeded]

Very helpful Ella, thanks