A Hen Lays

[justlikeyou]

in autumn air  
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg

[just mercedes]

in autumn air  
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg

I'm just not getting the association between the rifle shot and the egg. Even if an egg cracks while being laid, there's no sound. The word 'labored' jars here too. Not sure why - maybe because an adjective feels out of place. Two different scenes, but I'm just not connecting them.

[justlikeyou]

in autumn air  
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg

This comes from doing some work in the lower field the other day in open autumn air. There is one particular hen belonging to the next door neighbor, who, when laying eggs, sounds as if she is birthing a volkswagen.  The first time I heard her I ran to see if she was in serious trouble. Now I know better. Anyway, that day, while working, she started crying out as she does laying and egg when simultaneously a lone shot rang out from the woods from some distance. A hunter, I presume. The idea of a crack and an egg was immediate but I see a bit to esoteric. 

See if this works better:

In fresh autumn air

the rifle shot heralds

a new chicken egg



or maybe I should just can the whole thing!!

[just mercedes]

No, don't can it! There are two sounds, the rifle and the hen, and somehow they both produce new life - the egg. It's worth working on a bit more I think. I like being outside in the autumn air.

[justlikeyou]

No, don't can it! There are two sounds, the rifle and the hen, and somehow they both produce new life - the egg. It's worth working on a bit more I think. I like being outside in the autumn air.

OK. I'll let it simmer for a while. Thanks :-)

[tectak]

in autumn air  
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg

This comes from doing some work in the lower field the other day in open autumn air. There is one particular hen belonging to the next door neighbor, who, when laying eggs, sounds as if she is birthing a volkswagen.  The first time I heard her I ran to see if she was in serious trouble. Now I know better. Anyway, that day, while working, she started crying out as she does laying and egg when simultaneously a lone shot rang out from the woods from some distance. A hunter, I presume. The idea of a crack and an egg was immediate but I see a bit to esoteric. 

See if this works better:

In fresh autumn air

the rifle shot heralds

a new chicken egg



or maybe I should just can the whole thing!!

Look, this is a good idea. I know I will get lynched by the free-range good eggs,but you are missing golden opportunities by not sticking to 575.
The great anagrams are the simplest. Fired and fried.
Go to work on it.

The autumn air cracks;
a distant rifle fired.
Egg laid; fried I think.

Your poem.
It's the thinking that's fun.
Best,
tectak

[justlikeyou]

in autumn air  
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg

This comes from doing some work in the lower field the other day in open autumn air. There is one particular hen belonging to the next door neighbor, who, when laying eggs, sounds as if she is birthing a volkswagen.  The first time I heard her I ran to see if she was in serious trouble. Now I know better. Anyway, that day, while working, she started crying out as she does laying and egg when simultaneously a lone shot rang out from the woods from some distance. A hunter, I presume. The idea of a crack and an egg was immediate but I see a bit to esoteric. 

See if this works better:

In fresh autumn air

the rifle shot heralds

a new chicken egg



or maybe I should just can the whole thing!!

Look, this is a good idea. I know I will get lynched by the free-range good eggs,but you are missing golden opportunities by not sticking to 575.
The great anagrams are the simplest. Fired and fried.
Go to work on it.

The autumn air cracks;
a distant rifle fired.
Egg laid; fried I think.

Your poem.
It's the thinking that's fun.
Best,
tectak

That's very fun! I may end up back at 5-7-5 yet but want to play a bit more first.

---

Completely revised:

In autumn air- together
they speak of the certainty
of birth then death

[John]

Completely revised:

In autumn air- together
they speak of the certainty
of birth then death

What does? You're rushing your revisions.

Each word, each syllable, each placement, each idea, is crucial. A newcomer to this poem wouldn't have a clue as to what you're talking about.

[tectak]

This comes from doing some work in the lower field the other day in open autumn air. There is one particular hen belonging to the next door neighbor, who, when laying eggs, sounds as if she is birthing a volkswagen.  The first time I heard her I ran to see if she was in serious trouble. Now I know better. Anyway, that day, while working, she started crying out as she does laying and egg when simultaneously a lone shot rang out from the woods from some distance. A hunter, I presume. The idea of a crack and an egg was immediate but I see a bit to esoteric. 

See if this works better:

In fresh autumn air

the rifle shot heralds

a new chicken egg



or maybe I should just can the whole thing!!

Look, this is a good idea. I know I will get lynched by the free-range good eggs,but you are missing golden opportunities by not sticking to 575.
The great anagrams are the simplest. Fired and fried.
Go to work on it.

The autumn air cracks;
a distant rifle fired.
Egg laid; fried I think.

Your poem.
It's the thinking that's fun.
Best,
tectak

That's very fun! I may end up back at 5-7-5 yet but want to play a bit more first.

---

Completely revised:

In autumn air- together
they speak of the certainty
of birth then death

Not a revision,
It's lost all precision. Now
not as envisioned.
Best,
tectak

[justlikeyou]

Look, this is a good idea. I know I will get lynched by the free-range good eggs,but you are missing golden opportunities by not sticking to 575.
The great anagrams are the simplest. Fired and fried.
Go to work on it.

The autumn air cracks;
a distant rifle fired.
Egg laid; fried I think.

Your poem.
It's the thinking that's fun.
Best,
tectak

That's very fun! I may end up back at 5-7-5 yet but want to play a bit more first.

---

Completely revised:

In autumn air- together
they speak of the certainty
of birth then death

Not a revision,
It's lost all precision. Now,
not as envisioned.
Best,
tectak

I went back to that moment and distilled it down to what it was that initially struck me. It wasn't the sounds as such but rather the irony of moment  - the chicken birthing an egg = Life. The hunter's shot = death. That was the significance of the moment for me.

In the Autumn air
a chicken births irony
in the hunters kill

(it's 5-7-5 as well)

[tectak]

That's very fun! I may end up back at 5-7-5 yet but want to play a bit more first.

---

Completely revised:

In autumn air- together
they speak of the certainty
of birth then death

Not a revision,
It's lost all precision. Now,
not as envisioned.
Best,
tectak

I went back to that moment and distilled it down to what it was that initially struck me. It wasn't the sounds as such but rather the irony of moment  - the chicken birthing an egg = Life. The hunter's shot = death. That was the significance of the moment for me.

In the Autumn air
a chicken births irony
in the hunters kill

(it's 5-7-5 as well)

Hi again,
Remember the precision comment..It still applies. Chickens LAY eggs, they do not BIRTH them. The chicken is not IN the air unless it is flying and laying simultaneously. How does anything birth irony in? Apostrophe in "hunter's".
Forget the infatuation with the wonder of your own profundity and get back to saying something clearly. Hell, you only permit yourself three lines...how hard can it be?
Best,
tectak]

[billy]

the original is better for me, and it can be a bit different if it's a senryu,

i did like tom's idea about connecting more clearly

in autumn air
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg

a suggestion would be along the lines of;

autumn air
a rifle cracks-
eggs shoot out

[justlikeyou]

the original is better for me, and it can be a bit different if it's a senryu,

i did like tom's idea about connecting more clearly

in autumn air  
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg

a suggestion would be along the lines of;

autumn air  
a rifle cracks-
eggs shoot out

[RiverNotch]

well, it is funnier, but it is a good deal clearer. besides, the best lessons are learned with bits of humor:

"The old pond,
a frog jumps in:
Plop!"

or clearer, funnier, yet more different still:

"See the happy moron,
He doesn't give a damn!
I wish I were a moron--
My God! Perhaps I am!"

* - I knew this new book of poetry I purchased would come in handy!
**-First poem a haiku by Basho, as translated by Alan Watts; second titled "The Moron", by Anonymous (or maybe Dorothy Parker, in her days flaming Scientology)

[justlikeyou]

well, it is funnier, but it is a good deal clearer. besides, the best lessons are learned with bits of humor:

"The old pond,
a frog jumps in:
Plop!"

or clearer, funnier, yet more different still:

"See the happy moron,
He doesn't give a damn!
I wish I were a moron--
My God! Perhaps I am!"

* - I knew this new book of poetry I purchased would come in handy!
**-First poem a haiku by Basho, as translated by Alan Watts; second titled "The Moron", by Anonymous (or maybe Dorothy Parker, in her days flaming Scientology)

Couldn't agree more. Thank you!