Who keeps the flies away.

[Genuinebloke]

My first share.
Let me know your thoughts.


Who keeps the flies away.
 
By daylight migrants work
The English countryside sweeping to and fro
Sixteen hours straight, pausing only
To return earnings to their oversized families.
Efficiency paramount
Competition tight
As their shift ends at twilight.
 
Sun down, the natives take up tools
Weaving threads through air with erratic artistry
That cannot be followed by eyes alone.
Eight hours' labour meets the natives' needs
With their modest broods
And red brick homes
Built by others; guarded by royal decree.
 
Night lengthens and winter hunts
Outside the walls where natives sleep in furs
Migrant housing stands deserted
Mud and spit no castle against the siege.
Still natives kings
In a cold dark domain
'Til their counterparts herald the summer again.

[elviaje26]

My favorite line in the poem is "Built by others; guarded by royal decree."
I liked this line because it was very crisp in the word "decree".

A couple of things distracted me
the word "paramount"
The rhyming scheme of "tight" and "twilight" seemed a bit cliche and not consistent in the poem.
"broods", I dont know what this word is.

I enjoyed imagining the workers toiling. First it was the migrants and then it was the natives. It was very though provoking and energetic the natives houses being deserted.

[togaytofunction]

I found the imagery in this poem to be really powerful. As I read it I found myself creating a very vivid scene in my head.

My favorite lines in the poem are
"Weaving threads through air with erratic artistry
That cannot be followed by eyes alone."
Although I would consider adding "the" before "air" in the first line.

I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for sharing.

[Clarko]

"To return earnings to their oversized families." the word "oversized" makes this line seem unsympathetic. not sure if that was your intention.

[AshleighWood]

I like the poem overall but was not quite sure what time period it is supposed to refer to.

The first part ("migrants", "shift", "efficiency") make it sound like it refers to a relatively modern period, whereas some of the later imagery ("natives", "furs", "castles", "siege") makes it sound more medieval. However the "red brick" houses seem to put it firmly in modern times.

[Genuinebloke]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

To shed light on the questions re: broods and time-periods. The poem was inspired by watching swallows feeding in a field during the day, then being replaced by bats as the light faded. However, the language is partially influenced by the recent debates surrounding the European migrant crisis.

[AshleighWood]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

To shed light on the questions re: broods and time-periods. The poem was inspired by watching swallows feeding in a field during the day, then being replaced by bats as the light faded. However, the language is partially influenced by the recent debates surrounding the European migrant crisis.

That's very cool! The poem really takes on another level with this information. I had not really understood this even though the title does hint in that direction. 

I wonder if you might want to allude to this a bit more obviously in the title!

[Genuinebloke]

Thanks for the feedback guys.

To shed light on the questions re: broods and time-periods. The poem was inspired by watching swallows feeding in a field during the day, then being replaced by bats as the light faded. However, the language is partially influenced by the recent debates surrounding the European migrant crisis.

That's very cool! The poem really takes on another level with this information. I had not really understood this even though the title does hint in that direction. 

I wonder if you might want to allude to this a bit more obviously in the title!

Yes, I was worried that the meaning would be too obscure but also did not want to give it away too completely. I will work on a way of alluding more obviously. Thanks!

[Achebe]

My first share.
Let me know your thoughts.


Who keeps the flies away.
 
By daylight migrants work
The English countryside sweeping to and fro
Sixteen hours straight, pausing only
To return earnings to their oversized families.
Efficiency paramount
Competition tight
As their shift ends at twilight.
 
Sun down, the natives take up tools
Weaving threads through air with erratic artistry
That cannot be followed by eyes alone.
Eight hours' labour meets the natives' needs
With their modest broods
And red brick homes
Built by others; guarded by royal decree.
 
Night lengthens and winter hunts
Outside the walls where natives sleep in furs
Migrant housing stands deserted
Mud and spit no castle against the siege.
Still natives kings
In a cold dark domain
'Til their counterparts herald the summer again.

With a title like 'Bats and swallows in an English field' or something like that, the poem becomes understandable. The last three lines don't do justice to the poem, so please rewrite.
The other problem for me is 'red brick'. I can understand that some large, old medieval buildings (where bats can roost) can be built of red brick, but the expression is so often associated with small, habited houses, that it looks out of place in this poem. 'Bald brick' - suggesting age and neglect, with a bit of alliteration? 'Bare brick'? Think about it.
Otherwise, it's a beautiful little poem. Thanks for sharing.

[rowens]

I think you have a couple or more good-sounding lines tossed into a sensible subject. A few lines sound good on their own, but reading the poem as a whole they tend to feel like random things. You're telling a story that makes sense, but the best sounding lines of poetry seem like weak installments trying to hold the thing up. I wish I could explain better, I can't see the poem while I'm writing in this little box, and am talking from memory of having read it a few times. But this is what came to me to critique the poem.