dusk waits for no one

[RiverNotch]

dusk waits for no one,
jeeps stop rarer by the turn

dusk waits for no one--
quick! through falling thorntree leaves
to the homeward jeeps

edit one:
night waits for no one--
quick! down fallen thorntree leaves,
spring to the jeeps

edit two:
night waits for no one--
quick! down fallen thorntree leaves,
spring, child! to the jeeps

[Lizzie]

edit two:
night waits for no one--
quick! down fallen thorntree leaves,
spring, child! to the jeeps

Just to clarify...are you talking about the vehicle, Jeep? It might help to capitalize it if you are, so there's little confusion. But, then, it doesn't take much to confuse me. 

I like the first line, and the idea of rushing to get home before dark, I'm assuming? But, how is the child going down a leaf? Confusion. Or is it down-fallen? Are they one?

I don't think you need quick, since you have spring in the next line to create urgency. It makes the reading too choppy. Maybe put the exclamation mark at the end of the third line (spring, child, to the jeeps!) instead of having it interrupt the line.

[RiverNotch]

dusk waits for no one,
jeeps stop rarer by the turn


Main public transport here is in the form of auxiliary vehicles we typically call "FXs", buses, and jeeps, a bit of a holdover from the Ameri-Jap occupations. Trimmed -- last thought or image doesn't really say anything, so I went with (an attempt at) subtle,subtle,subtle wordplay. Thanks for the feedback!

[nibbed]

night waits for no one--                                 -this is pretty clear
quick! down fallen thorntree leaves,               -is the order to be quick? why down the thorntree leaves?
spring, child! to the jeeps                               -they had a jeep convention here this past week, many jeeps, is that it?




Hi RiverNotch.

I am sorry I don't quite get it.
But maybe we live in different worlds,
and I am ignorant to your wonderful
exotic surroundings?

Best wishes!
I look forward to reading your poetry!

janine

[RiverNotch]

woops, forgot to first-post the edit

[nibbed]

dusk waits for no one,

jeeps stop rarer by the turn





a very understandable ditty
it made me think
what a blessing mint can be
inside and out