Why so cold

[the man with the spoon]

Why so cold

Those with dim futures,
dwell on the past.
Have bitter lives, not built to last.
How do you see me as this beast, 
when you're the one with fangs to feast.
Upon a soul so full of cheer,
you cracked my shell.
Why do your eyes leer,
into my soul,
life still goes on. 
For now it seems that i just drift,
in memories that once did lift.
This spirit to unbounded heights,
Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
legs that were strong, can barely stand. 
Let waters flow and fires dance, 
but cold comes at any given chance.
Frost freezes over rivers that flow, 
puts out fires, meant still to glow.
My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.
The fiery beast that you portray,
why lose the game, when you can play.
Spring now brings an air that thaws.
Will my future ever brighten. 
I long to succeed
future?
will I?
Please?

[billy]

hi spoon;
some things to look out for:
cliches; old well used or common phrase that are already worn out before the reader reads them [dwell on the past/life still goes on] try and find a meter to suite the poem. check out the urls in my sig [poetic devices] for the meter url.
syntax; [in memories that once did lift.] is written in an older language than the one we now use. [lifted] is as good as [once did lift]
i won't overload you but i'm hoping others will chip in with helpful suggestions.

Why so cold

Those with dim futures,
dwell on the past.
Have bitter lives, not built to last.
How do you see me as this beast, 
when you're the one with fangs to feast. nice [alliteration] with the fangs to feast
Upon a soul so full of cheer,
you cracked my shell.
Why do your eyes leer,
into my soul,
life still goes on. 
For now it seems that i just drift,
in memories that once did lift.
This spirit to unbounded heights,
Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
legs that were strong, can barely stand. 
Let waters flow and fires dance, 
but cold comes at any given chance.
Frost freezes over rivers that flow, 
puts out fires, meant still to glow.
My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.
The fiery beast that you portray,
why lose the game, when you can play.
Spring now brings an air that thaws.
Will my future ever brighten. 
I long to succeed
future?
will I?
Please?

[dukealien]

Why so cold

01 Those with dim futures,
02 dwell on the past.
03 Have bitter lives, not built to last.
04 How do you see me as this beast, 
05 when you're the one with fangs to feast.
06 Upon a soul so full of cheer,
07 you cracked my shell.
08 Why do your eyes leer,
09 into my soul,
10 life still goes on. 
11 For now it seems that i just drift,
12 in memories that once did lift.
13 This spirit to unbounded heights,
14 Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
15 Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
16 legs that were strong, can barely stand. 
17 Let waters flow and fires dance, 
18 but cold comes at any given chance.
19 Frost freezes over rivers that flow, 
20 puts out fires, meant still to glow.
21 My dear, you should know that I'll win,
22 this chess game against the djinn.
23 The fiery beast that you portray,
24 why lose the game, when you can play.
25 Spring now brings an air that thaws.
26 Will my future ever brighten.
27 I long to succeed
28 future?
29 will I?
30 Please?

I disagree somewhat with billy (whose critique I shoulld not have read before writing) - this poem does have a meter, even a driving meter, but it's partly obscured by punctuation and line breaks.

I read it as lines each of two four-foot halves with a pause between nearly equal to a line-end pause, disregarding most punctuation and some line breaks.  Few lines are iambic, most are

/../ (pause) /../   or even .../ (pause) .../

with possible grace-notes (extra syllables) sometimes used either at the line end or at the pause.  For example, lines 1 and 2, combined, would read

Those with dim fu  -  tures              dwell in the past
   /   .    .   / (grace note) (pause)    /     .  .   /

There are a few departures, particularly at the end.  It's a lyric way of writing, and a first step might be to clue the reader in by joining each of the half-lines with its other half.  (In that scheme, l.10 appears to be an orphan as well as something of a cliche.)

In my view, punctuation at line ends (and mid-line pauses, if the above is accepted) needs a second look. For example, the comma at the end of line 1 is unnecessary; so are the periods at the ends of l.5 and possibly  l.7.  Another example is the period at the end of l.22 ("the djinn [,] the firey beast that you portray") could be a comma, and l.23 end with a period.

Also, "i" is capitalized in some places, not in others.

There are some cliches and archaisms that could be creatively remedied - for example, l.12, "in memories that used to lift," instead of the archaic "did lift," and in l.2, "not built to last" could become "never stand fast," or the like.

Overall, the poem is interesting:  I picture a Dungeons and Dragons™ session invading or invaded by real life.  A final suggestion:  the top and bottom metaphor, speaking of dim and bright futures, could be worked into the middle of the porm as well.

And, from a novice:  set this one aside, but look at it every couple of days and make small improvements.  You have a good sense of rhyme, force yourself to use it throughout, in regular meter, and even at the beginning and end - a snappy final couplet can say more than an ellipsis (or a curtailed line), and is more challenging to write.  Read it aloud, concentrate on spots that are difficult to say, and post edits.

[John1865]

I would like to preface this by saying I am a novice myself, and you should take all my advice with such an amount of salt as that requires. Before I begin in earnest, I do like your poem. Normally, I am not excited by confessional poem, but your poem seems not to deal with you yourself, but with a situation and mind state in the general. I should start, before anything, by imploring you to watch out for the cliche. They creep in like bugs when we are watching, and it is our job to find them out and squash them!

1. Those with dim futures,
   
2. dwell on the past.
   
3. Have bitter lives, not built to last.
   
4. How do you see me as this beast, 
   
5. when you're the one with fangs to feast.
   
6. Upon a soul so full of cheer,
   
7. you cracked my shell.
   
8. Why do your eyes leer,
   
9. into my soul,
   
10. life still goes on. 
    
11. For now it seems that i just drift,
    
12. in memories that once did lift.
    
13. This spirit to unbounded heights,
    
14. Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
    
15. Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
    
16. legs that were strong, can barely stand. 
    
17. Let waters flow and fires dance, 
    
18. but cold comes at any given chance.
    
19. Frost freezes over rivers that flow, 
    
20. puts out fires, meant still to glow.
    
21. My dear, you should know that I'll win,
    
22. this chess game against the djinn.
    
23. The fiery beast that you portray,
    
24. why lose the game, when you can play.
    
25. Spring now brings an air that thaws.
    
26. Will my future ever brighten. 
    
27. I long to succeed
    
28. future?
    
29. will I?
    
30. Please?
    

5. End with a question mark as you are asking a question.

7. The biggest problems with this line is that it's cliche. "cracking shells," has been going on for some time now. Is there another way to get across the idea of betrayal and desperation?

19. Good use of alliteration with "Frost Freezes." The problem I see with this line is the "rivers that flow." It is a redundancy, since we assume that the rivers flow. 

28-30. I, myself, am not much of a fan of the one word ending line. I understand it is supposed to give a sort of haunting effect, but I think such effect works only to its greatest extent in narrative poems with certain supernatural elements (think Poe's Raven). Here is an example of what I mean.

"In the mists 
where darkness twists
I spoke in hushed tones
the angel name Marie

And in reply 
the mist did cry
the angel name
"Marie"!" 

[Plato]

Hi, I'm new here. Apparently I'm supposed to critique 3 poems before I post mine. So here goes. Yours has been... how we say... selected *rubs hands together* MUAHAHAHAHA

I have to say, I really like this poem. I judge most things in life on an eclectic basis so its hard for me to say specific things, but I find this poem to be rather clever and honest. A lot of poems seem as though they are merely trying to be something, whereas your poem is. Specifically, I like the way your poem doesn't wallow too much in self pity but focuses on recovery from trauma and hope while caught in a turbulent emotional battle. Hopefully this is more than a breakup poem though...

I do a lot of music, so I tend to analyze poems from a sort of lyrical, musical perspective. That said, I like the cadence of the lines

Alone i drown in thoughts once grand

and

My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.

The words "Alone I drown" are rather piercing and sad, especially amid "thoughts once grand". But then your poem is back to My dear... the djinn. It's interesting the way you used irony in calling your enemy "dear" and "djinn" in following lines.

But my critique wouldn't be terribly useful to you if it were all praise so I'll now say what I didn't like. The phrase "fangs to feast" sounds rather dead, although I like the meaning behind it. It simply doesn't work. I would keep the words "fangs" and "feast", since they go together. Since its at the beginning of your poem, its very important to change. Obviously fangs are a negative word (fangs = biting = violence = negativity) while feast can be a negative or positive word (feast = hunt = carnage = negativity but also feast = food = nourishment = positivity). So you should try to emphasize the negative aspects of the word feast. Maybe through in something about blood or a hunt. "As your fangs sink first into the feast" might work as a replacement... idk thats not the best line either.

Aside from that there are a couple of minor filler/transitional words that could use a little rearranging.

--Plato

Why so cold

Those with dim futures,
dwell on the past.
Have bitter lives, not built to last.
How do you see me as this beast, 
when you're the one with fangs to feast.
Upon a soul so full of cheer,
you cracked my shell.
Why do your eyes leer,
into my soul,
life still goes on. 
For now it seems that i just drift,
in memories that once did lift.
This spirit to unbounded heights,
Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
legs that were strong, can barely stand. 
Let waters flow and fires dance, 
but cold comes at any given chance.
Frost freezes over rivers that flow, 
puts out fires, meant still to glow.
My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.
The fiery beast that you portray,
why lose the game, when you can play.
Spring now brings an air that thaws.
Will my future ever brighten. 
I long to succeed
future?
will I?
Please?