Cecil and the Brave

[DeakinDeakin]

Hi there I would appreciate any comments on the below.  Best Wishes, Deakin

**
 
People remember where they were when Kennedy was shot.
But, what of your whereabouts when Cecil was slain?
We know where the Dentist was:
Crouched in a bush, clutching his cross-bow and hunting permit.
 
And we know where he went afterwards too:
The front pages, the news’ headlines, the radio waves.
And we know too where you didn’t go:
His surgery in America closed, he was forced to hide.
 
And now, in turn, he was hunted:
The battery of photo lenses as sharp as his weapon.
The world’s reaction was a surprise to him,
and his surprise was a surprise to the world.
Everyone was surprised, it seemed.
 
His former life routine:
A check-up, a denture, rinse and spit out.
‘Open wide,’ he said to his patients:
Close enough to survey their teeth and feel their breath on his face.
He did not get quite so close to Cecil.
 
The arguments are well-rehearsed:
Conservation, tourism, man’s historic compulsion to shoot things.
Perhaps there is some truth in that, perhaps not.
 
Perhaps he sought excitement?
Perhaps he believed himself brave?
Perhaps, if the world will ever leave him alone, he would do it again.
 
OK, Dentist, let us say for a moment you were brave:
Just like your junior patients, eh?
Here is your dentist’s reward:
An “I was brave” sticker,
That you can keep for life.

[dukealien]

Hi there I would appreciate any comments on the below.  Best Wishes, Deakin

**
 

1. People remember where they were when Kennedy was shot.
   
2. But, what of your whereabouts when Cecil was slain?
   
3. We know where the Dentist was:
   
4. Crouched in a bush, clutching his cross-bow and hunting permit.
   
5.  
   
6. And we know where he went afterwards too:
   
7. The front pages, the news’ headlines, the radio waves.
   
8. And we know too where you didn’t go:
   
9. His surgery in America closed, he was forced to hide.
   
10.  
    
11. And now, in turn, he was hunted:
    
12. The battery of photo lenses as sharp as his weapon.
    
13. The world’s reaction was a surprise to him,
    
14. and his surprise was a surprise to the world.
    
15. Everyone was surprised, it seemed.
    
16.  
    
17. His former life routine:
    
18. A check-up, a denture, rinse and spit out.
    
19. ‘Open wide,’ he said to his patients:
    
20. Close enough to survey their teeth and feel their breath on his face.
    
21. He did not get quite so close to Cecil.
    
22.  
    
23. The arguments are well-rehearsed:
    
24. Conservation, tourism, man’s historic compulsion to shoot things.
    
25. Perhaps there is some truth in that, perhaps not.
    
26.  
    
27. Perhaps he sought excitement?
    
28. Perhaps he believed himself brave?
    
29. Perhaps, if the world will ever leave him alone, he would do it again.
    
30.  
    
31. OK, Dentist, let us say for a moment you were brave:
    
32. Just like your junior patients, eh?
    
33. Here is your dentist’s reward:
    
34. An “I was brave” sticker,
    
35. That you can keep for life.
    

Frankly, the political-social shadows from this incident make it a little hard to properly critique it as poetry, but here goes.

First off, the enjambment (twist of meaning from one line to the next at line breaks) is neatly used, for example lines 34-35 where the trivial becomes the life-changing, or lines 3-4 where it becomes clear we're not talking about where the dentist was when JFK was shot.

Minor quibbles:  need a comma in line 6 between "afterwards" and "too" (free verse doesn't require punctuation, but since you use it properly elsewhere the only rationale here would be creating a run-on where "too," spoken, equivocates with "to").

No apostrophe after "news" on line 7.

On line 8, using "you" is inconsistent with "he" in the surrounding lines.  It adds emphasis, but jars unnecessarily.  Save that for lines 31-35. where you're explicitly addressing the doctor.  There, it works very well.

In summary, though I personally don't agree with all the sentiments expressed and implied, they are well expressed in all their glorious ambiguity.  Free verse (which I'm still trying to figure out) seems the preferred, maybe the proper medium for sociopolitical poetry:  a bit stripped down and raw compared to the elaboration and aesthetics of forms or blank verse.  This is, IMHO, a superior specimen of the type, with the valuable attribute of exposing ambiguity that most "protest" poetry won't touch in its rush to shout only the Party Line.

[Merfyn Dafydd]

I'm new here, but I have to say I'm rather impressed by this piece on several levels.  I think your word choice was absolutely spot on and even being a free verse piece I thought it had rather fantastic rhythm and almost even followed a certain beat, which is a quality that is often difficult to achieve with free verse, but I think you did it perfectly.  One thing that has always captured me with great poetry is the writers ability to teeter on the edge of controversy while not wholly expressing their distain or pleasure in a forthright manner, and again, I think you achieved this brilliantly.

The only thing I would do is add a comma to line 12 "The battery of photo lenses, as sharp as his weapon.", and another one in line 20 "Close enough to survey their teeth, and feel their breath on his face."...I think this would help maintain the inherent rhythm and make the piece flow better.  Other than that, great job, I really enjoyed this one!

[billy]

i like this because even if i didn't know what it was about, i'd know what it was about.

for me it feels just a little  but wordy but that's something easily sorted if you chose to. i liked the surprise of the surprises. the juxtaposition of how he dealt with the lion against how he dealt with his patients was excellent. just a couple of niggles but all in all a really enjoyable read.

Hi there I would appreciate any comments on the below.  Best Wishes, Deakin

**
 
People remember where they were when Kennedy was shot.
But, what of your whereabouts when Cecil was slain?
We know where the Dentist was:
Crouched in a bush, clutching his cross-bow and hunting permit.
 
And we know where he went afterwards too:
The front pages, the news’ headlines, the radio waves.
And we know too where you didn’t go: you or he? i wasn't there.
His surgery in America closed, he was forced to hide.
 
And now, in turn, he was hunted:
The battery of photo lenses as sharp as his weapon.
The world’s reaction was a surprise to him,
and his surprise was a surprise to the world.
Everyone was surprised, it seemed.
 
His former life routine:
A check-up, a denture, rinse and spit out.
‘Open wide,’ he said to his patients: no need for he said to his patients
Close enough to survey their teeth and feel their breath on his face.
He did not get quite so close to Cecil.
 
The arguments are well-rehearsed:
Conservation, tourism, man’s historic compulsion to shoot things.
Perhaps there is some truth in that, perhaps not.
 
Perhaps he sought excitement?
Perhaps he believed himself brave?
Perhaps, if the world will ever leave him alone, he would do it again.
 
OK, Dentist, let us say for a moment you were brave:
Just like your junior patients, eh?
Here is your dentist’s reward:
An “I was brave” sticker,
That you can keep for life.

[Badatpoetry101]

Hi there I would appreciate any comments on the below.  Best Wishes, Deakin

**
 
People remember where they were when Kennedy was shot.
But, what of your whereabouts when Cecil was slain?
We know where the Dentist was:
Crouched in a bush, clutching his cross-bow and hunting permit.
 
And we know where he went afterwards too:
The front pages, the news’ headlines, the radio waves.
And we know too where you didn’t go:
His surgery in America closed, he was forced to hide.
 
And now, in turn, he was hunted:
The battery of photo lenses as sharp as his weapon.
The world’s reaction was a surprise to him,
and his surprise was a surprise to the world.
Everyone was surprised, it seemed.
 
His former life routine:
A check-up, a denture, rinse and spit out.
‘Open wide,’ he said to his patients:
Close enough to survey their teeth and feel their breath on his face.
He did not get quite so close to Cecil.
 
The arguments are well-rehearsed:
Conservation, tourism, man’s historic compulsion to shoot things.
Perhaps there is some truth in that, perhaps not.
 
Perhaps he sought excitement?
Perhaps he believed himself brave?
Perhaps, if the world will ever leave him alone, he would do it again.
 
OK, Dentist, let us say for a moment you were brave:
Just like your junior patients, eh?
Here is your dentist’s reward:
An “I was brave” sticker,
That you can keep for life.

Hi, welcome, best wishes to you as well.

As a rhetorical piece perhaps it might have some merit if further developed. As a poem it is asking a lot from the reader; mostly forming your arguments and framing the issue. First drawing a parallel between Kennedy and Cecil. But you do not take it anywhere, so it begs the question; why is it included? It forces the reader to compare the two why invite the comparison at all. I don't understand why you are forcing that comparison. I can see that it is being used as mostly a segway to get to the dentist and you are using metynomy(?) associating the lion and kennedy, but I don't think it works as it is obvious. I would suggest if you want to criticise someone maybe consider a limerick. Poetry is usually not really meant to single out a person for wrongness. If you are going to criticise I say go broader, like condemning hunting in general or juxtaposing man vs animal. That way your poem can be more receptive and multi-faceted. Instead of just being about "the event" ft. Potshots at the dentist. I think I will stop here better poets than me can examine the grammar and structure. As a final thought this poem would be more successful if you got the audience upset with the dentist. If you are gonna criticise someone just go all out. No sense in being coy. Subtle sure, nuanced always, clever? Of course, but coy is just bleh to me.