False Bloom

[Moonstruck1]

False Bloom

Edit

A single bud slit from the land,
The blood of petals stains my hand.
Both rose and I seized by remorse,
For no true flower blooms by force.


Original

A single bud held by a strand.
The blood of petals stains his hand.
Both rose and he seized by remorse,
for no true flower blooms by force.

[dukealien]

A single bud held by a strand.
The blood of petals stains his hand.
Both rose and he seized by remorse,
for no true flower blooms by force.

Very nice iambic tetrameter (often used for comic poetry in English, but this has more depth).

The outward story is clear, interesting, and unusual these days (yes, some respond favorably to a degree of violence, unsafe though that space is).

An attractive feature of the poem is its (to me) ambiguity:  is the rosebud artificial (not true)?  "Blood of petals" is mysterious  (a thought comes unbidden, unsuitable for pursuit beyond the hint that some [figurative] roses only ever have the one bud to lose).  "Strand" is similarly mysterious.

Four words ("strand," "stains," "seized," and "true") are unusual and unexpected in the (outward) context; they give the poem much of its interest, maybe more than the key "remorse" and "force."

Grows on the reader, like an unsolved riddle.  Good.

[rayheinrich]

False Bloom by Moonstruck1:

1  A single bud held by a strand.
2  The blood of petals stains his hand.
3  Both rose and he seized by remorse,
4  for no true flower blooms by force.

Yes, I must echo dukealien. The density of metaphor invites the reader to make use
of their creativity; a fine quality in any poem.

1 I have a logical problem with the bulb being "held by a strand" in line 1,  but being IN a hand
    in line 2. Maybe "slit (or spilt ) from the land" or some such.

1 Might benefit by having a ";" at the end instead of a "." as this increases the bond
    between 1 and 2. The flow is enhanced as well.

2 Wonderful! The cognitive dissonance created by a bleeding rose (one thinks of
    the tragedy of love, the despair of war when the humanity of the other side is realized,
    I could go on and on...  
    The change from the singularity of "bud" to the plurality of "petals" enforces the effect.
    And the addition of "stain" to this mix expands it factorially.

3-4 Flower farmers routinely "force" plants to bloom ahead of time (for Christmas, etc.)
    "Against nature" is another metaphor with myriad interpretations. One that comes to
    mind is rape (either literally or figuratively). This could also be about the taking of,
    or transition from virginity. A different take on God's expulsion of Adam and Eve
    from Eden comes to mind well. Tree of knowledge, spy novel, conspiracy theory,
    anti-intellectualism, suppression of freedom of speech...

This poem operates on such a grand scale, my tiny gray cells are swimming in serotonin.

I would suggest changing the point-of-view; I think using 1st person would intensify its impact:

A single bud held by a strand;
The blood of petals stains my hand.
Both rose and I seized by remorse;
For no true flower blooms by force.

I'd capitalize line 4 (and line 2 and 4 if you go with the ";" at the end of 1)
Some others may disagree, but I think the traditional form of the poem calls for it;
and the formality that is associated with this tradition connects it with the profundity,
felt through memory, of our romantic past.

Ray

[Moonstruck1]

@dukealien - Thank you for the review. I intended it to be like a riddle; I am glad that the outward story is clear to you as well.

@rayheinrich - Thank you for the excellent feedback. For some reason, I thought the expression "held by a strand" was a commonly used expression for the idea "barely made it alive"... but I don't consider myself fluent in English and didn't realize strand meant something completely different. I like suggestion you gave however: The idea of being torn from the land fits with what I had in mind writing this piece.
I also appreciate the suggestion to change the point of view to first-person.
Although I had a very specific person and event in mind when writing this, I wanted it to be open to various meanings depending on the reader. I'm amazed at some of the ideas you mentioned. Thank you for the excellent post!

[rayheinrich]

@dukealien - Thank you for the review. I intended it to be like a riddle; I am glad that the outward story is clear to you as well.

@rayheinrich - Thank you for the excellent feedback. For some reason, I thought the expression "held by a strand" was a commonly used expression for the idea "barely made it alive"... but I don't consider myself fluent in English and didn't realize strand meant something completely different. I like suggestion you gave however: The idea of being torn from the land fits with what I had in mind writing this piece.
I also appreciate the suggestion to change the point of view to first-person.
Although I had a very specific person and event in mind when writing this, I wanted it to be open to various meanings depending on the reader. I'm amazed at some of the ideas you mentioned. Thank you for the excellent post!

And thank you for an intelligent and emotionally intense poem (i.e it's beautiful).
Such profound metaphor in such a (seemingly) simple poem.

The edits worked well, I can't think of anything that could possibly make it better.
Ray

P.S. "Hanging by a strand" ("held" would suggest too much stability) usually means "barely",  "hardly", "scarcely".

"After the car accident, his life was hanging by a strand."
"We've got to get that loan, this company is hanging by a strand."

[Jezie]

I agree with Ray, that a semicolon after remorse would benefit this poem and make the final line pop more.... Another thought is lines 2 and 4 should not be capitalized... grammatically speaking anyways thanks for the enjoyable read.

[Plato]

no need to ask or explain; we only remove comments that are not reasonable feedback, the poet can get something form this one, /mod

I think the original poem was much, much better. I really dont think it needed to be changed. And there is not contradiction between lines 1-2. The man could be holding the flower by a strand (of fibrous plant matter perhaps) or could have dropped it and it now hangs "by a strand." I really don't think the original benefitted from any of the changed except the semicolon change.

NOTE to mods: this is not intended as a review. please do not remove my comment.

[billy]

just one point for me, a question; what is a true flower? and what is force? i ask because most plants, including roses can and often are forced.  okay now i have another question? can a rose feel remorse? as a metaphor i still struggle with it, i'm guessing the rose intimates the female genitalia and the petals are the lips. if this is so, i don't think fannies feel remorse if it's not a metaphor then i don't get it.

False Bloom

Edit

A single bud slit from the land,
The blood of petals stains my hand.
Both rose and I seized by remorse,
For no true flower blooms by force.


Original

A single bud held by a strand.
The blood of petals stains his hand.
Both rose and he seized by remorse,
for no true flower blooms by force.

[Moonstruck1]

@Plato - Thank you for the observation. I guess it could go either way. I was picturing the image you described, but I like what it became too.

just one point for me, a question; what is a true flower? and what is force? i ask because most plants, including roses can and often are forced.  okay now i have another question? can a rose feel remorse? as a metaphor i still struggle with it, i'm guessing the rose intimates the female genitalia and the petals are the lips. if this is so, i don't think fannies feel remorse if it's not a metaphor then i don't get it.

@billy - I am a simple person. I really don't spend my time thinking about how farmers influence the growth of plants. But I know that if I go up to a rose and try to pry it open, while I may not rip its petals off, I'll certainly damage it. The original idea I had is a flower that is grown but not blossomed. The impatient man, wanting it to bloom already, uses his hands to tear it open, damaging the delicate petals and scarring its potential beauty. Can you call what's left over a flower anymore? Maybe, but not in my view. A flower cannot feel emotions, but if it could, maybe it would regret losing the very thing that identifies it as a flower.

So, as I see it, a true flower is one that bloomed naturally. Petals would be "qualities", I guess. And "force" is not simply influence, but direct force. But saying it that way didn't sound good in the poem, nor do farmers and their growth techniques come to my mind. Sorry for not being informed. 

The inspiration for me was a relationship, not sex.  As the cliche would be, the woman is the rose. She is too young and not ready for what's involved in a serious relationship. The man should know better, but he is impatient and pushes the young girl to become involved. Because of this, she fails to reach her personal goals and grow as an individual. As I saw it, she lost the very thing that made her so attractive in the first place. Therefore, she feels remorse. The man did not have bad intentions and really wanted a successful relationship, but his impatient actions (and maybe fear of losing her) made what could have been ideal in the future nothing but a lost dream. He feels remorse over what was lost.

That said, I found the mystery part of the fun in writing it. I guess I'm not logical enough to think about these kind of things though. Maybe that's why I don't understand a lot of poetry...

Thanks for the questions.

[rayheinrich]

Metaphor is in the mind of the beholder.
That they inspire a reader to expand them into her/his world is hit and miss.

It depends on how they were feeling when they read it, what had happen to them the
very day they read it, how creative a reader they are, what they daydream, what
they wish or hope, how the narrative of their life has unfolded -- their flower?

I realize I can't begin to predict what thoughts, emotions a poem will arouse in others;
but I do think, by now, that I can recognize a poem that will do it well.

This is a poem fully capable of these powers; it functions on a grand scale.

Does a writer have to consciously create on this scale? No, they're subconscious
(what some call a muse) writes the poem and has access to a world their conscious
mind is oblivious to.

Farmers force -- aren't we all farmers?,  does our society work against nature?,  do we
loose our virginity?, did someone harm you?, was it rape?, or did you break yourself?

And from such simple words...

[billy]

no need to apologize 

but you do pose another question; who mentioned farmers? you can force a plant simply by putting a light on [ask anyone who grows weed] that aside i was on about houseplants but never mind, my intention wasn't to piss you off

Sorry for not being informed.

[Merfyn Dafydd]

False Bloom

Edit

A single bud slit from the land,
The blood of petals stains my hand.
Both rose and I seized by remorse,
For no true flower blooms by force.

I'm new here, so pardon if this review is simple in nature.  I really enjoy "the blood of petals stains my hand" line, there is something very strong in your choice of words with this and it immediately struck me for some reason emotionally.  Also, I'll have to disagree with several others here on the last line.  We all know that flowers and plants can in fact be somewhat "forced" to grow and develop by the definition us humans have attributed to this quality.  However, there are so many internal and external factors that affect the ability of a lifeform to develop, it would, in my opinion, be impossible to say that we as humans can "force" anything to actually grow or bloom.  We can do our best to influence the environment and the other aforementioned factors that allow it's growth, but to say we can "force" it, I believe, would be a false statement.  So, I think the last line actually holds quite a bit of truth in it.

[RiverNotch]

False Bloom

Edit

A single bud slit from the land,
The blood of petals stains my hand.
Both rose and I seized by remorse,
For no true flower blooms by force.

Grand scale and capitalization blend well. Last two lines are absolute perfection, but I don't think the poem benefits from the first person perspective in the earlier part -- it removes a sense of objectivity, of emotional purity, from the speaker if he was the one who ended up cutting the flower in the first place, as the second line seems (but not entirely) to indicate. The comma in the first line, too, is inappropriate, I think: though the two thoughts are related, this is a short poem, so even the punctuation must speak, and the sweeping vista of the first line is well-distanced from the intimate intensity of the second -- an em dash, I think, would be better. Finally, though the blood of petals is a vivid image, when I think of a bud being slit from the land, I think of the flower being slit by the stem -- otherwise, this poem's object ends up being completely senseless, rather than seemingly so, which would make the competing agent more human. That is, though I naturally believe the intent was that the blood colored petals be what seems to be a stain on the hand, there is still that somewhat inaccurate implication of the blood erupting from the petals themselves -- change that, if you can.

Summing up:
Again, the last two lines are perfect.
The second line implies that the speaker cut the flower, which is a dissonance unexplored, and thus, distracting -- instead of "my", best someone else's.
The first and second lines are very distant in scope, image, and even, I imagine, time -- better an em dash than a comma.
The blood of petals has that mild but still distracting implication of the blood coming from the petals, which feels inaccurate -- change "petals".

[rayheinrich]

The heart of the poem lies in the petals' ability to bleed.

[RiverNotch]

The heart of the poem lies in the petals' ability to bleed.

I reconsider -- 
it still feels weird to me, you know, but I'll let the feeling pass. I don't see it as something that could be fixed, to be honest.
The other three notes still stand, I think.

[rayheinrich]

"Prick not your finger as you pluck it off,
Lest bleeding you do paint the white rose red" *


*Act II Scene IV of King Henry the Sixth

Bleeding Heart (Lamprocapnos spectabilis):
[Image: http://wordbiscuit.com/im10/bleeding_heart.jpg]