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		I'm hearing about narrative,
how storytelling lives in us.
I should feel enlightened.
Galaxies of knowledge
should explode inside my head.
I should be lifted, like a stalk
of grain from the scythed pile,
to be studied and caressed
by the sun. As it is, however,
I can only focus on
the student to my right,
his bare slender muscles
and blue skinny jeans,
and what I'd like to do to him.
	
	
	
	
		
	
 
 
	
	
	
		
	Posts: 5,057
	Threads: 1,075
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		10-20-2010, 07:11 AM 
(This post was last modified: 10-20-2010, 07:12 AM by billy.)
	
	 
	
		 (10-19-2010, 10:20 PM)Heslopian Wrote:  I'm hearing about narrative,
how storytelling lives in us.
I should feel enlightened.
Galaxies of knowledge
should explode inside my head.
I should feel lifted, like a stalk
of grain from the scythed pile,
to be studied and caressed
by the sun. As it is, however,
I can only focus on
the student to my right,
his bare slender muscles
and blue skinny jeans,
and what I'd like to do to him.
i think this has an abe ginsberg feel to it though i can't be sure because i don't like his stuff in general 

....
As it is, however,
I can only focus on
the student to my right,
his bare slender muscles
and blue skinny jeans,
and what I'd like to do to him.
the above lines make me really like this piece, though serious (i suspect) it has humour in it. (for me) a good write
one nit;
I should fee
l lifted, like a stalk
the spelling mistake aside would it red better if it read as;
I should 
be lifted, like a stalk
	
 
	
	
	
		
	
 
 
	
	
	
		
	Posts: 1,548
	Threads: 942
	Joined: Dec 2016
	
	
 
	
	
		 (10-20-2010, 07:11 AM)billy Wrote:  i think this has an abe ginsberg feel to it though i can't be sure because i don't like his stuff in general  ....
....
Thanks for the feedback and kind words, Billy, though I'm not sure I like the Ginsberg comparison

 I'm a bit more amicable towards him than you, but he's still far from my favourite writer. Too many goddamned ampasands...
 (10-20-2010, 07:11 AM)billy Wrote:  As it is, however,
I can only focus on
the student to my right,
his bare slender muscles
and blue skinny jeans,
and what I'd like to do to him.
the above lines make me really like this piece, though serious (i suspect) it has humour in it. (for me) a good write
Those lines were meant to have humour, though were essentially serious. I think you hit the nail on the head. Libido is always funny in hindsight, though agonising at the time
 
 
 (10-20-2010, 07:11 AM)billy Wrote:  one nit;
I should feel lifted, like a stalk
the spelling mistake aside would it red better if it read as;
I should be lifted, like a stalk
Oops, thanks for pointing out the mistake

 Yeah I don't like the repetition of feel anyway. I think I might take your advice and change it.