Vulnerable

[Wjames]

This is an edit of an old poem I dug up from last year:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15254...first+date

New feedback would definitely be appreciated; I think I still might need to add another stanza before the last one.

-------

I squeezed conversation out
like near empty toothpaste:
dry, coarse, and insignificant.
 
The couple at the next table over
were fighting about who would pay the bill,
and I listened while my date checked her phone
for the third time.
 
Our waiter broke the silence
with the specials. I asked for the fish
and she ordered the T-Bone, with fries instead of salad.
 
I talked about work until the food came,
when she finally smiled.
 
Her steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

[ellajam]

Hi, WJ, for me the veal and bloody steak don't jive, maybe T-bone or something else.

I like the addition of S2, it adds to the atmosphere of the place, many first dates. I might break on "checked".

S5 also worked for me, nice edit.

[Wjames]

Hi, WJ, for me the veal and bloody steak don't jive, maybe T-bone or something else.

I like the addition of  S2, it adds to the atmosphere of the place, many first dates. I might break on "checked".

S5 also worked for me, nice edit.

I don't eat much steak (I'm vegetarian, but even before that I didn't really like steak), so I don't know what I'm talking about there; I'll make the change.

I'll think about the "checked" break as well.

Thanks for your thoughts Ella.

[rayheinrich]

The main problem I have with the poem is that it's another
"I'm good and she/he is bad" poem. (Though the toothpaste
metaphor does offer a bit of compensation.)

What I'd like to see is a bit more balance. Does "balance"
usually happen in real life? No. But this is writing, balance
is more interesting as it's dynamic. Portraying one party
as superior to the other is static, nothing is expected
to change, boring.

[ellajam]

I found some balance in the title, the Narrator judging the fries and him running on about work. Dud date for all.

[DeakinDeakin]

The first stanza is powerful and resonates with anyone who has eked out an awkward conversation

I am not sure we should care about the couple on the next table.  Doesn't that distract from the failed date?  More interested that she plays with her phone....what else does she do?  Scan the room?  Avoid eye contact perhaps? 

I am not sure I believe she asked from steak.  When you get to the last stanza I felt that this was perhaps a convenient device so she could cut you. 

All told it is a powerful encapsulation of a regrettably experience that most have happened upon at some point in their life(!)...

Best wishes Rob

[Alexearth]

This is an edit of an old poem I dug up from last year:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15254...first+date

New feedback would definitely be appreciated; I think I still might need to add another stanza before the last one.

-------

I squeezed conversation out
like near empty toothpaste:
dry, coarse, and insignificant.
 
The couple at the next table over
were fighting about who would pay the bill,
and I listened while my date checked her phone
for the third time.
 
Our waiter broke the silence
with the specials. I asked for the fish
and she ordered the T-Bone, with fries instead of salad.
 
I talked about work until the food came,
when she finally smiled.
 
Her steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

Nice piece. I personally would either get rid of the stanza which talks about the other couple, or add another stanza contrasting even more your bad date with the good happy couples of the restaurant. You could describe a jolly atmosphere for example.
The structure is perfect, breaking at the right words.
I would like to see more implicit judgment from the narrator as well!
The only thing I would do is get rid of the "dry, coarse insignificant." as the metaphor with the toothpaste is self-explanatory in my opinion. But then you would need a transition phrase for the next stanza.

Anyway, this is all just some perfectionist thoughts, I like the poem how it is too. Nice job!


Alex

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

I like the stanza with the couple at the next table, I think it sort of helps you picture the scene, but I can see why you guys think it could be better.

Your thoughts about balance sort of concern me here Ray - I wanted it to be more of an "I suck" poem rather than a "I'm good/you're bad poem".

The reason she's checking her phone is because of how painfully awkward the conversation is. She's sour because she has to endure the narrator's banal, forced talk about work, and the narrator's painfully aware of how boring he's being.

I might want to make that a little more clear if I can.

[rayheinrich]

...
Your thoughts about balance sort of concern me here Ray - I wanted it to be more of an "I suck" poem rather than a "I'm good/you're bad poem".
...

Well... I didn't get the point of the phone business; I interpreted it as callous indifference.
On re-reading it, I see where the poem's not as unbalanced as I thought. (I seem to be having
attacks of marginally-useful first impressions recently.) Still, I think it needs one more understated
"I suck" implication. Maybe something the protagonist isn't even aware of, but the reader is.
Ray

[ThatsNotFennel]

This is an edit of an old poem I dug up from last year:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15254...first+date

New feedback would definitely be appreciated; I think I still might need to add another stanza before the last one.

-------

I squeezed conversation out
like near empty toothpaste:
dry, coarse, and insignificant.
 
The couple at the next table over
were fighting about who would pay the bill, These two lines are out of place. The word "restaurant" anywhere here would eliminate their purpose.
and I listened while my date checked her phone
for the third time. Relatable. I like this image.
 
Our waiter broke the silence
with the specials. I asked for the fish
and she ordered the T-Bone, with fries instead of salad. Disagree with an above poster. I think this is hilarious.
 
I talked about work until the food came, This can be expanded. Exaggerate your work talk.
when she finally smiled.
 
Her steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

I feel like there is at least one stanza missing here. Maybe it's because the image of the arguing couple breaks up the poem's continuity for me. I'm not saying I need a firm narrative structure, but its missing something between start to finish. You're touching on a subject that almost every human has at least some experience with, and you'd be well served to expand the situation to make it unique without running the risk of being unrelatable.

Thanks,
ThatsNotFennel