Snow where else to be (in February)

[Emz]

---Edit 1---

weather lost on New York
come a month
the snow shall fall


---haiku original---

weather lost
upon New York, come a month
the snow shall fall

[Erthona]

Emz,

I'm not sure "upon"  is the best word usage here. I went and looked through the dictionary and there are many definitions of "upon" and none really seem to fit well. I had thought maybe an idiom, but no. Maybe just "on". As "Weather is lost on New York (this time of year. I am assuming you are implying Christmas/New years?).

I do like the idea, but the arrangement of the lines makes for some difficult reading. One might edit for better clarity, such as:

"weather lost on New York
come a month
the snow shall fall"

Best,

Dale

[Emz]

Emz,

I'm not sure "upon"  is the best word usage here. I went and looked through the dictionary and there are many definitions of "upon" and none really seem to fit well. I had thought maybe an idiom, but no. Maybe just "on". As "Weather is lost on New York (this time of year. I am assuming you are implying Christmas/New years?).

I do like the idea, but the arrangement of the lines makes for some difficult reading. One might edit for better clarity, such as:

"weather lost on New York
come a month
the snow shall fall"

Best,

Dale

Hey there Dale,

Thank you for your comment, I appreciate it! 

My original intent was a haiku, but I do like your arrangement better. 

In terms of "upon" and "on", I'm not really sure. I read that "upon" is just a formal version of "on". Let me know if it still doesn't sound right in the edited version:

weather lost upon New York 
come a month
the snow shall fall

Thanks again

Emma

[Erthona]

I do like your new version, but in terms of "upon"...which do you think sounds better.

Your teachings is lost on that boy, or

Your teaching is lost upon that boy.

It seems to me "upon" is being used in the same way in your poem as it is in the above example.
__________________________________________________________________________________

On a side note, what are you using to constitute a  haiku. Not to be mean, but I did not recognize this poem as one. I do recognize that people seem to be coming up with all kinds of different forms these days and calling them haiku. Personally, I was never on the wagon for the original as it has nothing to do with Japanese haiku. I just prefer to call it short form poetry. Of course there are many who would disagree with me, but considering Japanese haiku is almost as much visual as it is verbal, the language is highly condensed, it is written vertically and an "on" and a syllable have nothing in common, I don't really see the point of identifying something as a haiku, as the only commonality is the name and that is only a transliteration. Just my take, but then again I am old.
Sooo, when I saw that L2 was long and incorporated a coma, it did not occur to me that this was an attempt at haiku. I always thing of haiku, at least in form, as three lines composed of 5-7-5 syllables, but like I said I know people are doing all sort of variations. That's just my long winded explanation for why I edited the way I did. 

Personally, I would not be constrained by made up forms that really do not benefit the poetry. Your idea is a good one and whether you choose to use "upon" or "on", I do like the new version.

Best,

Dale

[Emz]

I do like your new version, but in terms of "upon"...which do you think sounds better.

Your teachings is lost on that boy, or

Your teaching is lost upon that boy.

It seems to me "upon" is being used in the same way in your poem as it is in the above example.
__________________________________________________________________________________

On a side note, what are you using to constitute a  haiku. Not to be mean, but I did not recognize this poem as one. I do recognize that people seem to be coming up with all kinds of different forms these days and calling them haiku. Personally, I was never on the wagon for the original as it has nothing to do with Japanese haiku. I just prefer to call it short form poetry. Of course there are many who would disagree with me, but considering Japanese haiku is almost as much visual as it is verbal, the language is highly condensed, it is written vertically and an "on" and a syllable have nothing in common, I don't really see the point of identifying something as a haiku, as the only commonality is the name and that is only a transliteration. Just my take, but then again I am old.
Sooo, when I saw that L2 was long and incorporated a coma, it did not occur to me that this was an attempt at haiku. I always thing of haiku, at least in form, as three lines composed of 5-7-5 syllables, but like I said I know people are doing all sort of variations. That's just my long winded explanation for why I edited the way I did. 

Personally, I would not be constrained by made up forms that really do not benefit the poetry. Your idea is a good one and whether you choose to use "upon" or "on", I do like the new version.

Best,

Dale

Hey Dale,

Good points! I thought I was sticking close to the "original haiku", but I guess I am wrong. I always understood it as 5-7-5 (or less, since our syllables are longer than their ..I don't know what the word is), and that it had to be about season or nature, combining two images. A lot of people today just do the 5-7-5 format and call it a haiku. I thought that was wrong, but I hadn't realised how different our "haiku" is from the Japanese haiku, given the visual aspect.  Maybe what we do really is just minimal poetry, which is a fun exercise to do.

Your recommended format looks neater and gets the same message across

I'll change it to "on", although I am curious what others think. I'm probably far less experienced than you when it comes to proper word usage, and I'm not entirely sure which is right, or which sounds better, but I value feedback from others. 

Thanks again!

Emma

[Magpie]

Hi Emz,

Your edited version is much clearer than the original. I agree with Dale that 'on' works better than 'upon'.
With short poetry I always try and trim as much as possible, with this in mind I think your last line could lose the 'the' and still read the same, I even think the last line could simply be 'snowfall' and the meaning is still conveyed.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[srijantje]

yes,the less words the better,as long as it communicates the feeling
snowfall will do fine in my opinion