Signs

[Weeded]

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form

Edit 1

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
Her brightness diminished(naturally).
She grew like a star to supernova
until finally, she exploded;

he, without form.
She, without form.



Original


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form.

[ellajam]

Hi, weeded, I see potential here, that whole avoiding abstraction thing is not the same as avoiding metaphor. This poem has me thinking, a good start. I've put some notes below.

Ok so I've been trying to avoid abstract, but its quite difficult for me. I'd imagine this is about as abstract as it gets so I guess what I'm really wondering is if there's even any potential here for something. Thanks.


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

I'm not a fan of capitalizing Fire, I find it faux-poetic (my current favorite phrase ). I think you've already placed it well to give it the weight you want.
The first two lines set off a roll of images and ideas for me, so a fine opening.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

I'd put a comma after energy. I think you could find a more interesting way to say "tried to touch but was burned" but I'm still with you.
The next line troubles me, how did he get burned in the first place if his hand held water, (literally or metaphorically)? I think a tweak here would help.
I get the Fire/Water thing and believe I would in lower case. Let me know if I'm missing something.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

Love the first line here and have no nits on the rest. If you want the semicolon here you could lower case the He below, which I think would add to the formlessness, and find a way to continue that through the last line.

He, without form.
She, without form.

So, I'm enjoying this, weaving through the words, thoughts, ideas having a grand old time. I hope my comments help.

[dukealien]

Agree almost entirely with @ellajam (whose critique I shouldn't have read first - bad critic, me!), particularly about finding much potential here.

Being bent that way, I see sun and earth, earth experimenting with fusion the hard way (starting with fission).  Or perhaps solar flare followed by nova...

Suggestions, principally word usage:

L5, "enamored," conventionally (or at least in "A Midsummer Night's Dream") demands "of" rather than "by,"  and its object is a person, the beloved rather than some quality of the beloved.  You perhaps mean something like "enchanted" or "fascinated," but more physical.  Or you're just not being conventional, which is OK.

L9, "Curiously," connotes unexpectedly or intriguingly from the standpoint of the reader, writer, or viewpoint character, with a side of complexity ("curioiusly wrought") - it's an aside to the reader.  You seem, IMHO, to mean "Curious," that is, subject wanting to know more about its object.  If you mean oddly/unusually, then stet.

Tells an interesting story, interestingly.  Looking forward to the edit!

[shemthepenman]

hello, and here we go.

Ok so I've been trying to avoid abstract, but its quite difficult for me. I'd imagine this is about as abstract as it gets so I guess what I'm really wondering is if there's even any potential here for something. Thanks. - having read the poem, it certainly isn't as abstract as it gets (thank god). as for potential, well, everything has potential.


In her palm she held Fire - i would drop the capital F [bomb!].
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none - so, i think the second line is redundant. that is, something in the palm of ones hand already implies control over said thing. unless you want to really drive that metaphor home; i personally don't think it is necessary.
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy - stick a comma there, after energy, and all's right with the world (you could actually do with cleaning a lot of the punctuation up, it's all over the place).
tried to touch but was burned. - yeah, that sucks [i mean the phenomenon, not the line]
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease. - change burn into a gerund in order to make it fit with cease, cut 'however' because it is confusing (punctuation), add 'he' before held.

Curiously, she gave him her hand. - i hate the word curious[ly]. not a criticism. just wanted to get that out there  although, i don't see any reason for it being here.
He doused her brightness, - i think 'doused' is a bad word choice. i am sure there is a better word you could use.
but she grew stronger in form. - before wrapping up, you have used form twice by this point, you go on to use it two more times before the end. there is nothing essentially wrong with repeating a word 4, 5, 20 times, if it is intentional. these 'forms' do not seem intentionally repetitive, they sound lazy repetitive.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form. - i must admit, i am struggling with these last 4 lines, but not in a bad way. i really like the line 'finally, she exploded'. i don't like the 'he' and 'she' bit. the semicolon is inexplicable. but all in all, these last 4 lines are very interesting.

thanks for sharing, very much enjoyed it!

[ellajam]

Curiously, she gave him her hand

I have already said I like this line, but having read the sound arguments against "curiously" I'd like to make my case for it.

I read the poem as a romance (me being me ). It describes a power that cannot be taken, two elements at odds, yet oddly, curiously, what cannot be taken is given (what could she have been thinking, but really, we know). It is an odd and sometimes dangerous thing to do, the Boom at the end is no surprise.

My comment may be more abstract that your poem,   , I can clarify if you're not convinced that it is an asset to the poem, for me.

[porpoise]

In her palm she held Fire 
in a form she controlled => i assume that if she can hold it, she can control it? a possible redundancy?
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned. => you've already said no one could touch it - so how does he? or is it that no one is allowed to touch?
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease. => i feel that this line could be better worded - how does he get burnt if he has water in the same hand? and I would drop 'cease' and replace it with 'quit' or a similar word

Curiously, she gave him her hand. => not a fan of 'curiously' - why is this action such a mystery?
He doused her brightness, => maybe 'doused her flame'? i don't think douse and the idea of light really mesh well.
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded; => this is a mysterious choice of punctuation.

He, without form. => these two lines tickle me in some kind of way. i feel that one line or both lines without so much punctuation would emphasize the "formlessness" of the two.
She, without form.

Thanks for sharing.

[Weeded]

Hello all,
Thanks for the feedback, every bit was helpful! I went ahead and worked everyones suggestions into an edit, thanks again!
Mike

[Morze]

I really like this piece, is wild yet calmed, some might feel its romantic but others don't, it takes the reader to many places. The metaphor is great and wide, these kind of things make great artistic writings. I personally prefer the first version, although it might need some corrections is more "juicy", with more good use of words and ideas. I'm not an expert, just an average Joe that has a passion for art and different kinds of expression, not caring too much for metrics or stiff poetry rules. Well done I enjoyed it very much.

Morze.

[Weeded]

Morze,
Thank you, im glad you enjoyed it. Your response is appreciated I was wondering if the edit was straying... I'm the same as you in the average Joe sense, I hate metrics, but I love metrics. It's just so damn hard to figure out sometimes.. Oh well, with time right?
Mike

[shemthepenman]

hello,
well, i must say this is a really good first edit. you have managed to pare it down a lot. i think there are still some tweaks you could perform in order to make it even better.some quick thoughts.

Edit 1

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch. - great!

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water, - excellent!
not contained and unconstrained. - now, 'not contained' and 'unconstrained', while not strictly synonyms amount to saying the same thing, and their similarity in look and pronunciation compounds the problem. i would seriously consider a word change.

Curiously, she gave him her hand. - i am still not convinced 'curiously' is necessary.
Her brightness diminished(naturally). - firstly i would cut the (naturally). it feels very heavy handed. it feels like you not only don't trust the reader to get where you want them to go, but also don't trust yourself to be able to lead them there. abstraction creeping into description.
She grew like a star to supernova - oh, i like this but for one little thing. i would have it "she grew like a star, like a supernova, until she exploded". now that is a motherfucking kick arse line. god damn, son, you might inspire me to start writing poetry again!
until  finally, she exploded; - still, what's with the semicolon?

he, without form.
She, without form. - i don't personally like the he and she. but you know.



Original


In her palm she held Fire
in a form she controlled
so all could see, but none
could touch.

He, enamored by her energy
tried to touch but was burned.
In his hand held Water however,
so the burn was quick to cease.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.
He doused her brightness,
but she grew stronger in form.
Finally, she exploded;

He, without form.
She, without form.

[Weeded]

Shem,
Thanks for the feedback. Damn I thought the contained/constrained would work out haha. And ok I got one more idea with 'curiously' if it still dont work ill think about editing lol i like it there too honestly, and I see what you mean about the next line. I was directing (naturally) towards the girl in the poem but it doesnt quite read that way.
Damn man, I never thought about writing it that way! That is dope lol I thought about replacing the brightness diminishing line with(including your idea) something like
"She grew like a nova, like a star, like a supernova" (I decided it was too much nova but idk it looks kinda cool like that now)
You should definitely start writing again bro, I don't see why not.
But idk what's up with semicolon, I thought I needed it lol
Mike

[Rogo]

In her palm she held fire                                             
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,                                            5
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
not contained and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave him her hand.                                    
Her brightness diminished(naturally).                                 10
She grew like a star to supernova
until  finally, she exploded;

he, without form.
She, without form.



Lines 1-4 are just fine. Don't change a thing!

Line 5 leaves me wanting an explanation. Why is he "entranced by her energy"? The fire/water metaphor explains the differences between the two figures and provides the reader with some foreshadowing, but what is the cause of this attraction? Show us — don't just tell us.

Having both "not contained" and "unconstrained" in line 8 is rather redundant. You could easily express this idea with fewer words.

Line 9 suffers from the same problem that line 5 does. Why is it curious? What compels her to give him her hand? 

"(naturally)" in line 10 is unnecessary. The reader understands what water does to fire. 

Lines 11 and 12 are just stunning. The image of a supernova really gives the reader a sense of intensity. However, it's a little abrupt when compared to the rest of the poem. Maybe you could fix this by creating more tension in the previous lines? It's such a powerful moment in the poem, and it deserves a greater build up to it! 

While I like the stillness of lines 13 and 14, I don't understand why "she" is capitalized and "he" isn't. Is "she" more significant than "he"? If so, this seems to conflict with the lines' parallel structure and the shared fate of the two figures. I would just get rid of the semicolon in line 12. It's too problematic.


Despite a couple of issues, your poem has potential. Just keep working on it!

[billy]

all i'm getting is sex; is it just me   am i truly a pervert?

i found it hard to understand the significance of the title. again, could be my failing as the reader.

the first line works well enoug, it has ambiguity and also works as a metaphor. and then it get screwed with on the next line with some forced internal rhyme followed by repetitive so's

the 2nd stanza is basically saying what?
all i get from the poem is [they have sex and come]
i'd like to see some depth and less trimmed phraseology.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.

sorry but it reads as very very weak. firm it out [oops]

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display on display is redundyfied
so all could see, 2 [so's] ? is not so so, in truth both could be removed without losing anything
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form

[Weeded]

Rogo,
Thanks for the feedback, you bring up a good point about L5. I worked in an edit on L8 but im thinking its going to need another edit to apply your suggestions, and yes I completely agree with you on L11/12, I almost deleted it when I first wrote it because it didnt quite seem to fit with the rest of the poem. And I do kinda feel like the girl is more significant in this piece, its more about her while the guy is more of a mechanical part to the piece. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts, I'll meditate on how to include them on the next edit.
Mike

---

Billy,
You are most certainly, in fact, a pervert. Lol just kidding
After reading your comments I now see this in a completely sexual context, thanks lmao.
The title is meant to allude to astrology, this is(supposed to be) about a relationship between a lady with a fire sign, and a man with a water sign, NOT sex :'D
Funny you dont like the 'entranced/incandescent' lines; I was getting frustrated and resorted to opening up a thesaurus and thought "hmm I've never used these words before " I'll work on it, thanks!
Mike

[shemthepenman]

Rogo,
Thanks for the feedback, you bring up a good point about L5. I worked in an edit on L8 but im thinking its going to need another edit to apply your suggestions, and yes I completely agree with you on L11/12, I almost deleted it when I first wrote it because it didnt quite seem to fit with the rest of the poem. And I do kinda feel like the girl is more significant in this piece, its more about her while the guy is more of a mechanical part to the piece. Anyway, thanks for the thoughts, I'll meditate on how to include them on the next edit.
Mike

---

Billy,
You are most certainly, in fact, a pervert. Lol just kidding
After reading your comments I now see this in a completely sexual context, thanks lmao.
The title is meant to allude to astrology, this is(supposed to be) about a relationship between a lady with a fire sign, and a man with a water sign, NOT sex :'D
Funny you dont like the 'entranced/incandescent' lines; I was getting frustrated and resorted to opening up a thesaurus and thought "hmm I've never used these words before " I'll work on it, thanks!
Mike

that is funny, i genuinely thought this was intentionally about sex.

[Weeded]

Man thats crazy how it can read exactly as if it was. Maybe it's my subconscious speaking to me

[Rogo]

Man thats crazy how it can read exactly as if it was. Maybe it's my subconscious speaking to me

It's possible, on some level, you were thinking that when you wrote it. After all, the image of the supernova yields multiple interpretations and could be anything from a violent end to a satisfyingly intense climax (pun).

The process of writing is a process of self-exploration — especially when you read back over it. You never know!

[TSlate]

I really like the first two stanzas because of their melodic quality. I'm a sucker for rhyme, and I like how the hard A in 'display' is echoed in 'flame.'
I am confused by the last two lines. I am still trying to figure out what they are trying to convey.

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form

[shurgaree]

Yarr! Nice. It reminds me of the song Terrapin Station by the Grateful Dead- check it out if you don't know it. Comments in bold below.

Edit 2

In her palm she held fire
so bright; searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He, entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand. Confused, --Would you want to put Confused at the start of the next line?
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star, like a supernova
until finally, she exploded.

he without form
She without form
Why either would have lost form doesn't make too much sense to me. i guess she held fire/it went out, I'm not sure why he would have been without form though. but whether it matters/whether my comment is relevant is your call. Your poem. 

[Naima.m]

In her palm she held fire
so bright;
searing light on display
so all could see,
but none could touch.

He,
entranced by her energy,
tried to touch her incandescent flame.
In his hand he held water,
free-flowing and unconstrained.

Curiously, she gave her hand.
Confused,
her brightness diminished.
She grew like a star,
like a supernova
until finally,
she exploded.

he, without form
and she formless too
---
this is personally the way that i would have formatted/written it but i think its just stylistic differences.although there are some curious ways in which you had formatted this . Like you dont start pit spaces between the start of new sentences but over all this was a very good poem and i enjoyed reading this (: