Posts: 7
Threads: 3
Joined: Jan 2016
Revision:
"We need more rights!"
Here's your vote, have a seat.
We must celebrate; an amazing feat!
"It's not enough, we need a rise!"
Here's your pay
Are we okay?
"We've fallen out of love, its not fair!"
Take my children, here's my keys
Il'l have to make a guilty plea
"Social justice, we need it now!"
Social justice? How so?
Please tell, I do not know
"We need equality!"
"We are not tools!"
"We may differ; but we are not fools!"
Do not fret! I have a solution!
Here's a fist for your mouth
Now make me a sandwich
Original
"We need more rights!"
Heres your vote, have a seat.
Now you can find your feet
"Its not enough, we need more pay!"
Heres a cheque
Are we okay?
"Weve fallen out of love, its not fair!"
Take my children, heres my keys.
Its okay, ill see them once a week
"Social justice, we need it now!"
Social justice? How so?
Please tell, I do not know
"Were being raped!"
"Men are evil!"
"Please stop this social upheavel!"
Do not fret! I have a solution!
Heres a fist for your mouth
Now make me a sandwich
Posts: 13
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2015
What a clear picture of how a back-in-time guy, feeling sorry for himself as he has to face his social incompetence, deals with a situation he cannot comprehend. He would rather see injustice keeping him safe from that, and the poem ends just how I would expect this kind of man to end any discussion, too helpless and propably just not intelligent enough to sort it out in a different way.
Very mooving.
Posts: 15
Threads: 4
Joined: Feb 2015
I think you have tapped into the anger that fuels some political candidates whose supporters have lost many of the things they always believed would be theirs for life. While he acquiesces initially, in the end he returns to a violent action and a statement of dominance. Is he hopeful the slide will stop if he just asserts himself? Does his anger end here? Has the world passed him by relegating him to a caricature of Archie Bunker. I can see him in his overstuffed recliner nonplused at the world playing out in front of him on the TV. Thanks for capturing the angst. Were you trying to develop a rhyme pattern? Right now three verses have one pattern, one has another and two have none. I enjoyed reading this. Good luck.
Posts: 1,325
Threads: 82
Joined: Sep 2013
Hi, X, first, please find your apostrophe key, it's a little disrespectful to readers, this is a writing workshop.
I had a problem with L3, "Now you can find your feet" implies "walk away" to me, odd after "have a seat", it seems to be there just for the rhyme. Rhyme can be challenging to work with, it's fun to work hard enough on it so that you avoid using words solely for the rhyme and so that it sounds natural yet interesting.
You've set a rhyme pattern that you've ignored in S2/3, I don't think that aids the poem in any way. S5 bothered me for it's content, seems a bit nonsensical to me, I think you could do better.
So, there are issues here but that just means you have some work to do. That's what we're here for.
Quote:"We need more rights!"
Heres your vote, have a seat.
Now you can find your feet
"Its not enough, we need more pay!"
Heres a cheque
Are we okay?
"Weve fallen out of love, its not fair!"
Take my children, heres my keys.
Its okay, ill see them once a week
"Social justice, we need it now!"
Social justice? How so?
Please tell, I do not know
"Were being raped!"
"Men are evil!"
"Please stop this social upheavel!"
Do not fret! I have a solution!
Heres a fist for your mouth
Now make me a sandwich
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
There's no hint in the poem to suggest that the text without quotes is not, in fact, the poet's voice.
Even if there was a hint, there's a complete absence of irony.
In the end, it reads like a hopelessly misogynistic poem - worse, actually.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
I am going to have to agree with others in that it lacks the irony or a substantial turn it would require to make this more than just a rather juvenile rant. I assume taht this is the POV of a rather back woods narrator not the actual author but it doesn't contain the elements necessary to raise it to even the level of crass light verse - it is not really humorous but rather sad and there is not demonstrated facility for either rhyme or meter. My suggestion would be to think of what could be the redeeming value of either the narrator or the POV and to try to focus on that.
