If, if...,

[ficosdarkness]

If I were a heart beat,

would you reach inside yourself and rip me out,

to stop my rythm from pounding in your chest?

If I were the sun,

would you wear sunscreen,

to keep me from getting under your skin?

If I were the wind,

would you constuct a plexiglass sheild,

to regulate my flow across your body?

If I were a blade of grass,

would you cut me down,

to keep me beneath you?

If I were running water,

would you syphen me off and bottle me up,

to sell to the masses?

If I were joy,

would you live in misery,

to show me that you're in control?

If I were blood, coursing through your veins,

would you cut them open,

to drain me from your inside's, so I couldn't reach your heart?

If I were the air,

would you hold your breath,

to keep me from entering your lungs?

If I were life,

would you sentence me to death,

to kill me off before I make a difference?

If I were death,

would you take pleasure in knowing that you determined my fate,

to look me in the eye's as I become death,

by your hand?

by your method?

If, if.....?

[billy]

great to see you back and posting

there have been a lot of if poems. (rudyard kipling wrote a great one here) it's worth a read his is an educational come inspiring poem to sons in general while yours seeks an answer. (which is okay)

for an if poem to be fresh it has to ask things in a new way, or answer the question asked in a new way (originally) (rhetorically speaking)IE;
If I were blood, coursing through your veins,
would you cut them open,
to drain me from your inside's, so I couldn't reach your heart? (vein cutting is really common) a question can't be cliche or old. only the rhetorical answers can be.

be cheeky, be silly or sombre but most and best of all be original
If I were blood, coursing through your veins,
would they ripen and rot before exploding
round that house-brick of a heart

i liked the plexiglass if

at the moment it feels like i've read it before by others. (ive done a few if poems myself) it doesn't shout out at me.
but the poem has a good chance of being really good if you can put a few images in there. and show us how think this person would react.

thanks for read. fico.

[ficosdarkness]

I get it and I've got it!! Thanks Billy, I'll work on the imagery and I'm pretty sure that "cheeky" is in my bag of tricks right in front of sombre.
If I were blood, coursing through your veins,
would they ripen and rot before exploding
round that house-brick of a heart? Man that's good!!

[billy]

i know you can do better than what i did

[Todd]

Hey this is a cool idea for a poem, and I'm interested to see how you develop it. One minor point:

When you can direct the line more at the other person do it.

For example:

If I were a heart beat,

would you reach inside yourself and rip me out,

At the very least make it:

If I were your heart beat

And to echo Billy a bit you can go a little nuts with what the person would do. Think EKG, Digitalis...think of the steps that other person would do to rip you out of their life. Again it's a great idea for a poem and I think with some work you can make it exceptional.

Best,

Todd

[addy]

Liked reading this... a great idea for a poem that, as the others said, you could really use to push the envelope.
I like the progression of the individual scenarios you built up (some work better than others... the sunscreen line, for instance, sounds a lot less forceful than your other examples). i like that it gets to the heart of the matter in the last few lines, but also at that point it gets too prosey for me ("would you take pleasure in knowing that you determined my fate"... find a way to phrase this so it flows better).
A real imaginative approach. Nice work

[ficosdarkness]

Hey this is a cool idea for a poem, and I'm interested to see how you develop it. One minor point:

When you can direct the line more at the other person do it.

For example:

If I were a heart beat,

would you reach inside yourself and rip me out,

At the very least make it:

If I were your heart beat

And to echo Billy a bit you can go a little nuts with what the person would do. Think EKG, Digitalis...think of the steps that other person would do to rip you out of their life. Again it's a great idea for a poem and I think with some work you can make it exceptional.

Best,

Todd

---

Hey this is a cool idea for a poem, and I'm interested to see how you develop it. One minor point:

When you can direct the line more at the other person do it.

For example:

If I were a heart beat,

would you reach inside yourself and rip me out,

At the very least make it:

If I were your heart beat

And to echo Billy a bit you can go a little nuts with what the person would do. Think EKG, Digitalis...think of the steps that other person would do to rip you out of their life. Again it's a great idea for a poem and I think with some work you can make it exceptional.

Best,

Todd

Thank you very much for your input, Todd. I take it all in from you guys, you are all so talented. I was actually going to write "inside yourself to rip me out..." but I second guessed myself. That'll be the last of that! Much appreciated critique.

---

Liked reading this... a great idea for a poem that, as the others said, you could really use to push the envelope.
I like the progression of the individual scenarios you built up (some work better than others... the sunscreen line, for instance, sounds a lot less forceful than your other examples). i like that it gets to the heart of the matter in the last few lines, but also at that point it gets too prosey for me ("would you take pleasure in knowing that you determined my fate"... find a way to phrase this so it flows better).
A real imaginative approach. Nice work

Thank you, Addy and you are right about the sunscreen line. Spot on, this is my 3rd poem and I wasn't really comfortable with this form of poetry, but I'm taking this all in and I will apply it. You are all very encouraging to me, don't give up on me, I'll get better, I think

[billy]

just don't give up on yourself. sometimes for a person new to poetry and even for some who have been writing it for a while, it can be a daunting task facing some of the feedback. as long as you keep the positive attitude you have you'll be okay

[ficosdarkness]

just don't give up on yourself. sometimes for a person new to poetry and even for some who have been writing it for a while, it can be a daunting task facing some of the feedback. as long as you keep the positive attitude you have you'll be okay

With the feedback that I've received so far Billy, you've all made it less daunting, for that I am so thankful. I've even posted a couple more because you have all given me the confidence to keep on answering the "flow."

[billy]

good, just make sure you give them a chance to get a few replies
and remember that giving honest feedback without malice is a great
way to learn how to write it