Bracelet (rev 1.001 Akira)

[Erthona]

Bracelet


I wore it 'til it broke.
His name escapes my mind
over these forty years of time;
he never made it back.
I kept the pieces in a box
with other tokens and relics
—until they were also lost.



(Original)
Bracelet
 
I wore it 'til it broke.
His name escapes my mind
over these forty years of time,
but I know that
he never made it back.
I kept the pieces in a box
with other tokens and relics
—until they were also lost.
 
erthona
 
©2016

[ellajam]

Love this, it leaves an appropriate emptiness in its wake. I was about to say the best we can do is remember while we are alive, but that's not true. We can try to pass the story on, maybe titling it with his name would do just that.

Anyway, good read, glad you posted it.

Oops, no name, maybe some other indication. or not, just the memory of the memory.

[just mercedes]

Uncanny. I was thinking this morning about my grandmother's wedding ring, which my mother had given me. I kept it somewhere safe - and lost it, along with other small mementos. Your poem encapsulates the feelings I had.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Dale. I love poems of this length. This one works. A few thoughts:

Bracelet
 
I wore it 'til it broke. Strong opening line. Connects to the title immediately. 
His name escapes my mind A little clumsy forced slant rhyme here IMO. And I'm not sure you even intended it. I feel like "my mind" should just be "me" and "of time" should be struck. Sorry to be overly specific but I couldn't explain otherwise. 
over these forty years of time,
but I know that probably don't need "that"
he never made it back.
I kept the pieces in a box
with other tokens and relics
—until they were also lost. last line is generic and sad. Strong finish.
 
erthona
 
©2016

Enjoyed this one Dale. The tweaks I mention are likely just taste.
Paul

[Erthona]

Thanks ella, I like your comment " it leaves an appropriate emptiness in its wake" that's poetry .

If I titled it with his name it would sort of invalidate L2. I thought of titling it MIA, but decided to leave it more generic.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Thanks mercedes,

Why safe places are safe except from our memory. My Aunt used to say, "I know it's around here summers!" Of course she lived to be 103 years old and her mind was fairly sharp until the last seven or so. She and her husband homesteaded a plot in New Mexico territory, traveled there by way of covered wagon. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________
Paul,

No, you have some good points. Some of the things you noted I could see removing, but I could also see just as easily leaving in. On the one hand it would be more streamlined and less forced, but on the other it would have less of the rhythmic quality I want, and would not set up the ending quite so well. I agree though, we are mainly in the realm of stylistic choice although I could easily argue your side of it. I would call "mind" and "time" an off-rhyme, but I like off-rhymes. A real off rhyme is at the end: "box" and "lost", the only thing that rhymes is the vowel, but I think if one is sensitive enough it can be felt. Regardless, it is there at an unconscious level. I'll not argue the point, as there is no way to, or no way I am willing to do so, but I'll just state for me it's a fact and you can call me a crazy old man who's lost his senses.  

dale

[Akira]

I thought of titling it MIA, but decided to leave it more generic.

I think that is a good choice. I definitely caught a moment on the line "but I know that/he never made it back", wondering what from, and it does have a strong wartime overtone, but could be many things.

I also liked the first half of that, "but I know that", because I found it very subtly reinforces the age and increasing memory loss -- why not just "he never made it back"? Instead, we have the narrator almost reminding or assuring herself, or even struggling to hold onto, the facts which threaten to slip away. It creates a nice contrast of the wearing until it broke, which suggests intense intimacy, with the struggle to remember, which distances.

[Tiger the Lion]

Generic was a compliment. Commonality is a tough nut to crack. Especially for the clever squirrel.

[Erthona]

Paul,

No, that's how I took it, I was just going off on a tangent with the rhymes, really had nothing to do with what you said. Not that I am known for being tangential or anything.

_________________________________________________________________
Akira

That's a good suggests, I think I will remove the line "but I know that" it does seem superfluous now that you mention it.
Thanks,

dale

[Julius]

For me, more than the literal meaning of the words is the atmosphere it creates. The emptiness created by the loss of even the memory of something that was once of great emotional value. I am an elderly, very happily married, man but you remind me of being 17 and thinking I was desperately in love with a girl who's name now eludes me

[Erthona]

Thanks Julius

dale