Everyday you stalk me

[Jeremiahcp]

[Deleted by User]

[Achebe]

This is a work in progress, and I would love to hear all feedback on it. 

Everyday you stalk me
and with goofy faces
you like to mock me.
I try to reason to no end,
as all you do is imitate me again
and my only revenge 
is to tell all my friends
that man in the mirror
is a real asshole.

Lines 1-3 set up nicely with the last 2 lines.
the rest of the poem is pure filler. I find it unrealistic that you try to 'reason' with your reflection, so lines 4 and 5 make no sense to me.
If you really 'tell your friends' - the assumption being that you didn't use 'friends' just to make that line rhyme with 'end', that your reflection is an asshole, it doesn't come across as particularly clever, which detracts from the twist at the end, a clear attempt at being clever.

[Jeremiahcp]

I didn't even notice the similarities between end and friends. Thanks for pointing that out. =) However, I think if you read the poem out loud it works out, as end and friends is not really a rhyme. It would be a rhyme if it was friend instead of friends, but there are some similar sounds and visual repetition there. I'll think about the ending a bit more. Thanks for the input.

[Achebe]

I didn't even notice the similarities between end and friends. Thanks for pointing that out. =) However, I think if you read the poem out loud it works out, as end and friends is not really a rhyme. It would be a rhyme if it was friend instead of friends, but there are some similar sounds and visual repetition there. I'll think about the ending a bit more. Thanks for the input.

Not a perfect rhyme, but a strong slant rhyme. My apologies if I was unclear.

[ellajam]

end, again, friends all slant rhymed for me.

The whole poem had a clear cadence for me until the last line, which ended with an unenjoyable thud. If that was your goal it worked, but it made me just walk away.

[Jeremiahcp]

Thanks for the input, Ellajam. =) Perhaps, the word asshole is a bit too heavy. I could try the word jerk, and maybe that would be a bit lighter.

[ellajam]

Thanks for the input, Ellajam. =) Perhaps, the word asshole is a bit too heavy. I could try the work jerk, and maybe that would be a bit lighter.

I think it may be the meter of the line, I say "is a REAL ASShole", if you want to keep asshole you can try rewriting the line so that it matches the rest of the poem better.

[UselessBlueprint]

I think it may be the meter of the line, I say "is a REAL ASShole", if you want to keep asshole you can try rewriting the line so that it matches the rest of the poem better.

Aren't compound words usually spondaic? It may not make too much difference in how the line sounds to you, but I can't quite make a proper trochee of that in my head.

I can't help explain why it seems to end on a thud for ellajam, but I can give some thoughts on the rest of the poem.
Line 5 feels odd to say, being that it is much longer than those around it.
In line 8, I would change 'that' to 'the' or some other article for one reason only. I keep trying to read "is to tell all my friends / that the man in the mirror..."
No explanation on why I expect it to read that way, but I do.

[Jeremiahcp]

I think it may be the meter of the line, I say "is a REAL ASShole", if you want to keep asshole you can try rewriting the line so that it matches the rest of the poem better.

Aren't compound words usually spondaic? It may not make too much difference in how the line sounds to you, but I can't quite make a proper trochee of that in my head.

I can't help explain why it seems to end on a thud for ellajam, but I can give some thoughts on the rest of the poem.
Line 5 feels odd to say, being that it is much longer than those around it.
In line 8, I would change 'that' to 'the' or some other article for one reason only. I keep trying to read "is to tell all my friends / that the man in the mirror..."
No explanation on why I expect it to read that way, but I do.

I had the same impression about both line 5 and line 8. So I am glad you posted, as now I know it is not just me, and I need to fix those two. Thanks. 

[billy]

remove everything thats excess.

This is a work in progress, and I would love to hear all feedback on it. 

Revised


Everyday you stalk me
and with goofy faces
you like to mock me.
I try to reason to no end,
as you imitate me again
and my only revenge
is to tell all my friends
the man in the mirror this and the next line are cliche
is a real jerk.

Original

Everyday you stalk me
and with goofy faces
you like to mock me.
I try to reason to no end,
as all you do is imitate me again
and my only revenge 
is to tell all my friends
that man in the mirror
is a real asshole.

[mv5543]

remove everything thats excess.

This is a work in progress, and I would love to hear all feedback on it. 

Revised


Everyday you stalk me
and with goofy faces
you like to mock me.
I try to reason to no end,
as you imitate me again
and my only revenge
is to tell all my friends
the man in the mirror this and the next line are cliche
is a real jerk.

Original

Everyday you stalk me
and with goofy faces
you like to mock me.
I try to reason to no end,
as all you do is imitate me again
and my only revenge 
is to tell all my friends
that man in the mirror
is a real asshole.

Hi. I like the set up of the poem and the concept of 'The Man in the Mirror'. I'm a novice writer as well, so consider my critique with caution. The first line draws me in. But when I read the second line and see the word 'goofy' some of my interest fades away. I think you can use a more emotion-provoking word in its place. Line 3 and 4 fit nicely with line 1. I don't understand what you were trying to convey in line 6. Maybe it's me, but if I hate myself I would carry it like a deep dark secret and tell no one. But perhaps we just don't feel the same way. The last line, which I feel should be the real 'clincher' for the poem, falls short by digressing from the rhythmical structure of the rest of the poem and doesn't leave me floored. Keep working at it!

[ClaytonDaury]

Find a word that rhymes in the end rather than jerk or asshole. Even a more powerful or detailed word would easily change the emotion to the poem, if you wanted that. Wording was good but you only rhyme half the time, every second line (see what I did there) so you try to keep up that style throughout the poem. Good piece though, this poem really is a great piece of work in progress!

[Jeremiahcp]

Thanks for the great advice all, I have posted another revision.

About the end: some feel it ends too abruptly, but for such a short poem to end on a rhyme could leave the reader hanging looking for more rhyme. That is how rhyme works, it causes the brain to look for it, so ending on rhyme is not always a clear cut path. What I hope I did is weaken the repetition in the poem so the ending does not feel like it falls so far off. I also noticed that the poem had the word me in it three times, so I removed two of them.

[Erthona]

Lack of punctuation and grammar is a lack of knowledge and skill, not a style. To avoid using both indicates that one is either incapable of doing so, or one does not realize the serious lack of clarity that doing without them causes.

"Everyday you stalk and with goofy faces you like to mock--> who? Or is this a general mocking?

"end" and "friends" are rhymes, the "s" doesn't matter, not to the brain when reading it, it only matters as a technicality (it is neither a slant, nor off rhyme, though the two are the same thing). The syntax is tortured to get stalk and mock to the point of being end rhymes.

"I beg you to reason
but you imitate me again"

The speaker is begging his reflection to reason? Reflections are not alive neither do they reason, unless this is happening in an alternative universe, which has not been set up, so one must assume it is the reflection of the general kind.  

"my only revenge
is to tell all my friends
the man in the mirror
is a real jerk"

This is completely nonsensical. Not only would any friends the speaker has would flee, thinking he had, had a psychotic break, one cannot get revenge on one's reflection. Pure gibberish.

Best,

dale

[Jeremiahcp]

Alright, guys/gals, I appreciate all the feedback, but I think it is time to put this one to rest. So I will consider the current revision the final. Thanks for all the great input.

[LukeSizemore]

I actually prefer the original if you can make the last line rhyme in some way. And also revise to say "That THE man in the mirror..."


quote='Jeremiahcp' pid='203291' dateline='1452969516']

This is a work in progress, and I would love to hear all feedback on it. 

2nd Revision

Everyday you stalk
and with goofy faces
you like to mock
I beg you to reason
but you imitate me again
and my only revenge
is to tell all my friends
the man in the mirror
is a real jerk

Revised


Everyday you stalk me
and with goofy faces
you like to mock me.
I try to reason to no end,
as you imitate me again
and my only revenge
is to tell all my friends
the man in the mirror
is a real jerk.

Original

Everyday you stalk me
and with goofy faces
you like to mock me.
I try to reason to no end,
as all you do is imitate me again
and my only revenge 
is to tell all my friends
that man in the mirror
is a real asshole.
[/quote]