Old Folks at Home

[Julius]

Old Folks at Home (third edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time:
broadcast, a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.

Sharing a time in memory,
the years when they were young again,
when life was how it used to be,
partnered in pleasure without pain.

Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they danced as though in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a ready smile become a sigh.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.


Old Folks at Home (second edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they lived again in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a trickled tear, or hears them sigh.

In this time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.



Old Folks at Home (Edited)



The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


And so despite arthritic knees,
at half the speed they used to do,
secretly glad that no-one sees,
practised again the steps they knew.


Their little time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
and so came back to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.


Old Folks at Home


The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


And so despite arthritic knees,
at half the speed they used to do,
secretly glad that no-one sees,
practised again the steps they knew.


Their little time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for a moment, nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they;
now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as they returned to present day,
complete with aches that rarely cease.

[Achebe]

Old Folks at Home


The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


And so despite arthritic knees,
at half the speed they used to do,
secretly glad that no-one sees,
practised again the steps they knew.


Their little time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for a moment, nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they;
now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as they returned to present day,
complete with aches that rarely cease.

Nice and unpretentious.
I enjoyed reading it.
thanks for posting.

Minor nits:
1) freed, for a moment, etc. - a 'from' might be missing somewhere eg. 'freed for a while from nagging pain'
2) 'as they returned' - the 'as' doesn't look right. Something like 'they came back to the present day' might solve that issue.
3) 'complete with' has a problem with the meter, at least to my ear - and be warned that my ear is not the most sensitive. I read it as "complete" instead of "comPLETE", the latter sounding unnatural. I would suggest something like "with ACHES and PAINS that RAREly CEASE"

[Mr. Poe-tato]

Really loved the message.

The line "as they returned to present day" doesn't quite feel right. Rewording it to something such as "retracted back to present day" or "now reeling in to present day" gives the stanza a more seamless flow. These also keep up with the writing style of using relatively uncommon and interesting words.

[MaksCerenWylt]

Old Folks at Home


The radio played, the beat rocked onI see that you ended on a preposition with L1, which actually works here, with its use of the colloquialism. Nicely done.
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.This is a small mistake, although important, that the appostrophe goes on the outside of the period.


And so despite arthritic knees,
at half the speed they used to do,
secretly glad that no-one sees,
practised again the steps they knew.Good use of rhyme here. It seems natural.


Their little time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for a moment, nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they;
now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as they returned to present day,
complete with aches that rarely cease.

Altogether, a nice poem that I enjoyed.

[Julius]

Thank you all for your suggestions, most of which I have incorporated. I'm glad it was quite well liked. I'm not too sure about the position of the full stop at the end of line 4. What is between the inverted commas is a quote with the end of the sentence following the quote. As I say, I'm not too sure about it.

[ellajam]

Hi, Julius, this is a fun read and I love the subject, those joyous things that fully engage us, the best pain relief. This is a solid edit but I think it's worth taking a little further. Some notes below.

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.
What song are you quoting? I remember "so fine".

And so despite arthritic knees, "and so" is filler, you have an opportunity to do something more interesting here.
at half the speed they used to do, they used to do is awkward.
secretly glad that no-one sees,
practised again the steps they knew.


Their little time of memories This doesn't quite make sense, I think something other than "little" could work better.
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
and so came back to present day, again, not thrilled with the "so".
where aches and pains so rarely cease.

I hope this helps, glad you posted it.

Oh, I would also put the period after the quote, as you did, in this case.

[Julius]

Thank you Ellajam. I think you make some good points - I hope you like the second edit

It seemed in my younger years "so fine" seemed to crop up regularly. For example The Chantels with "He's so fine" .

[Erthona]

Julius,

Written in accentual verse, four accents per line. Fairly consistent, only some minor problems.

"It sang a well remembered song"  "It" being the radio? Radios do not sing. The song cannot sing itself, and so on. It is disruptive passages like this that either consciously or unconsciously keeps the reader from being immersed in the poem. This in turn effects the believability of the poem (more on that latter).  

More disruptive is the  mention of knees twice too close together and too similar in phrasing.

"Ignoring their arthritic knees"
"they could dismiss their stiffening knees"

These two lines basically say the same thing, they are simply worded differently.

Another possible failing is this seems an occurrence that would happen more in a movie than in real life. Due to natural human defenses, such spontaneous occurrences rarely occur, so although a sweet idea, it does not seem believable and if the main thesis of the poem lacks credibility, so does the poem. This may only occur on an unconscious level for most readers, but still they are effected, leaving in their mind the idea, "well that was nice, but..." Such credibility concerns separate a passable poem, form a good poem, as does the other disruptive elements.   

On the positive side, the form and the rhyme fit well to the subject and are used handily.

Welcome to the site,


Best,

dale

[ellajam]

Hi again. This edit really smoothed out some rough spot but with other bumps gone the double knees really stands out. You could consider an exchange for one of them of spine, back, neck, etc. It would take some work but I'm sure you could do it.

I have no problem buying the premise, I know from experience that dancing, sex, blasting music can make block pain for a while. The cost of its return is little enough price to pay for the fun.

Hey Dale, you gotta get out more.

Old Folks at Home (second edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they lived again in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a trickled tear, or hears them sigh.

In this time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.

[Julius]

Thank you Dale and Ellajam for your continuing interest in this poem. I do agree with you and have attempted two things. I have rewritten one stanza in order  to lose one of my knees (ouch )
Secondly I have thought about the believability aspect. My wife and I are both septuagenarians and we do often have a little dance when the radio plays something of "our time" (today we had the Drifters singing "Saturday night at the Movies"). However, it is not a tearful moment. We usually end up laughing and my wife might well make a comment such as "Who is the daftest?" I have tried to incorporate a little of that mood.
PS I have also altered the order of the stanzas.

[Erthona]

Julius,

Very good edit, I have no complaints whatsoever. Rhythmically it moved along very well.


Best,

dale

[BW BRINE]

Old Folks at Home (second edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they lived again in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a trickled tear, or hears them sigh.

In this time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.

I liked this a lot. There is no pretense of superiority or "mystique"; the story is as you have told it, and you've told it eloquently.

If I were to pick, I would say that using knees both as arthritic and stiffening might be overdoing it, as I already had an image of arthritic knees, and didn't need another image.

Also, I'm not sure if I understand "now gone, the spell of sweet release". Are you saying that both the sweet release and the music are gone, or that the music is gone (which is also the sweet release). Or none of the above?

I'm partial to the somber ending, and for that reason I think you've done an excellent job.

-BW

[aschueler]

So why is this in novice?

[Erthona]

"So why is this in novice?"

Novice refers to the level of critique, not the competence of the poem. In this case however, the original poem was very much a novice piece. I think Julius would concur with that assessment, however through three edits he vastly improved the poem. That is what working-shopping is about and what this site is about.

Not just for you aschueler (since you brought up the subject--sort of), but everybody has blind spots, we have them in our personality, in out behavior and our writing. By using other people's observations, if we are willing, we can greatly improve a poem (and hopefully become aware of and protect against our blind spots), even if an observer is not very astute, or otherwise trained in poetry critique. If nothing else, puzzlement by a reader goes to the idea of clarity and most anyone can point out misspelled words and other such errors.  

Back to the original question: we have these levels of critique: mild-->novice-->serious, this is to allow the person to choose what intensity of critique they wish to receive. For all practical purposes the forums could be called easy-->moderate-->advanced. There was a reason behind the name of this forum, in that mild basically meant "newbi" as in ones first poem, or first months of writing poetry, then "Novice Poet and Critic" would be for those who were a bit more advanced than that. The mild forum and this one were also suppose to be the ones for people who had little experience giving critiques which is why, I suppose, the "Critic" label was added. While these are not optimal labels, they probably work as well as any other. I'm sure if you have a really good suggestion for new labels for these three forums that are consistent within themselves and also represent what they need to without being too long, Billy would be happy to consider it (Billy, he's the owner of the site and has final say in the decisions, although he is a benevolent dictator and often defers to others judgment). They (the three headers) certainly could be better, it's just that no one has come up with anything that doesn't have just as many flaws. As a member, I encourage you to make this site your own. If you see something that you think can be improved and having come up with what you think is a better solution please submit it. We always wish to make this site user friendly. The only thing I would suggest is that you think long and hard about whatever you might submit, keeping in mind that we constantly (we being the mods and admin) continually try to improve the site. There are also certain things about the site that are hardwired into the BBS that is being used and those things cannot be changed.

Best,

dale/mod

[Julius]

Old Folks at Home (second edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they lived again in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a trickled tear, or hears them sigh.

In this time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.

I liked this a lot. There is no pretense of superiority or "mystique"; the story is as you have told it, and you've told it eloquently.

If I were to pick, I would say that using knees both as arthritic and stiffening might be overdoing it, as I already had an image of arthritic knees, and didn't need another image.  

Also, I'm not sure if I understand "now gone, the spell of sweet release".  Are you saying that both the sweet release and the music are gone, or that the music is gone (which is also the sweet release).  Or none of the above?

I'm partial to the somber ending, and for that reason I think you've done an excellent job.

-BW

Thank you BW. Following advice given in the thread I have dispensed with one knee 
"Now gone the spell of sweet release" was meant to give the impression that they had, for a little time, been released from the infirmities of age, but returned to their infirmities as the music ended. 
Thank you again for considering my poem.

---

So why is this in novice?

I can only say that I am retired after never having been to university or studied poetry.

As for anything else I might say I think Erthona hits the nail on the head. If you compare the first poem with the third edit I'm sure you will see that, if this poem is liked, much of the refining and polishing up comes from the advice given in the thread

[aschueler]

I appreciate the response, although stronger than I anticipated. I certainly wasn't intending to indicate a deficiency in the system, but more a suggestion -- and a question -- toward moving this forward, assuming the author feels he would like to.


To Julius:
I am quite new here, but I do note Erthona is quite helpful with frank advice and suggestions that are well thought. I am suprised you haven't studied poetry much, as this one is quite good. Getting meter down so quickly is no mean feet. I wanted to dislike this, but I can't.

[Brujo]

Cool poem!  Here are some notes I had.  


Old Folks at Home (third edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time:
broadcast, a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.

Sharing a time in memory,----A memory in time?
the years when they were young again,
when life was how it used to be,
partnered in pleasure without pain.

Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they danced as though in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a ready smile smiles become a sigh sighs. 


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.  ---Good end rhyme doesn't sound forced


I like the images of quirkiness and happiness.  I like the trajectory of flashing back, then returning to present reality.  I also enjoyed to the cadence to it. With that being said, I think the poem is a bit conservative.  An ingredient of good poetry is the suspension of disbelief.  Maybe try expanding the metaphor and some of your images by.  Address the the senses - sigh, sound, touch, ect.

[LukeSizemore]

I enjoyed your incorporation of time and how the concept was prevalent throughout the whole poem. I will admit the flow was nice, but rocky in spots. I like to keep a very consistent flow throughout my whole poems, though, so it may just be me. Very well done in my opinion!

Old Folks at Home (third edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time:
broadcast, a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.

Sharing a time in memory,
the years when they were young again,
when life was how it used to be,
partnered in pleasure without pain.

Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they danced as though in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a ready smile become a sigh.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.


Old Folks at Home (second edit)

The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they lived again in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a trickled tear, or hears them sigh.

In this time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as time returned to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.



Old Folks at Home (Edited)



The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


And so despite arthritic knees,
at half the speed they used to do,
secretly glad that no-one sees,
practised again the steps they knew.


Their little time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for awhile, from nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they.
Now gone, the spell of sweet release;
and so came back to present day,
where aches and pains so rarely cease.


Old Folks at Home


The radio played, the beat rocked on
with music from an earlier time.
It sang a well remembered song
of teenage love “that was so fine”.


And so despite arthritic knees,
at half the speed they used to do,
secretly glad that no-one sees,
practised again the steps they knew.


Their little time of memories
where, for a moment young again,
they could dismiss their stiffening knees
freed, for a moment, nagging pain.


The music stopped, and so did they;
now gone, the spell of sweet release;
as they returned to present day,
complete with aches that rarely cease.

[Icon Zero]

The obvious pain in the piece was a bit too tepid for me, the language a little too un-emotive. It felt restrained. I'm a novice myself, so i can't offer any advice on structure, and of course, it's all a question of personal preference.

[Frankee_thecat]

That was very easy one the eye
Loved it

Missed this bit below in the final version, embedded within the poem, it gave a nice kinda 'all creatures great and small' feel to it, if you know what I mean.
But I'm not complaining! Great job


Ignoring their arthritic knees,
they lived again in times gone by,
secretly pleased that no-one sees
a trickled tear, or hears them sigh.