The Wayward Sailor

[John1865]

This is one of my earlier pieces, and I wrote it a couple months back. I hope you enjoy, and, if you would be so kind, I hope you'd give me some advice. Thanks!

On a large bobbing barrel
In the middle of the sea,
Floats a wayward little sailor,
So happy and carefree.

Nevermore to hear the shouts
Of drunken men in drunken bouts.
Nor to hear of men’s fierce yells,
From which all darkness swells.

But instead to float on salty foam,
‘Till he finds an island home,
And lay across its golden shore
Where worries bother him no more.

And in his mental sanitation,
To forget all men, and deprivation.

Edit 2:

Thanks everyone for their ideas. This is what I have got so far. I have been playing with the idea of another stanza, but I am not quite sure. Well, here it is.

On a large and  bobbing barrel
In the middle of the sea,
Floats a wayward little sailor,
Drinking brackish tea.

Nevermore to hear the shouts
Of drunken men in tackless bouts.
Nor to hear of men’s fierce yells,
But instead the soft sea swells.

He shall float on salty foam,
‘Till he finds an island home,
And lay across its golden shore
Where worries bother him no more.

And in his mental sanitation,
On his fair and lonely isle,
To forget all men and deprivation,
And laugh a little while.

[dukealien]

On a large bobbing barrel
In the middle of the sea,
Floats a wayward little sailor,
So happy and carefree.

Nevermore to hear the shouts
Of drunken men in drunken bouts.
Nor to hear of men’s fierce yells,
From which all darkness swells.

But instead to float on salty foam,
‘Till he finds an island home,
And lay across its golden shore
Where worries bother him no more.

And in his mental sanitation,
To forget all men, and deprivation.

This is fun, and a little sad or wistful; looks like you may have abandoned it before finishing the last verse.  With a bit of attention to meter, it could be sung to the tune of "Reuben and Rachel," with which it has some thematic similarities as well as a (potentially) a regular pattern of varied line lengths.

First order of business could be fitting the first stanza's first and last lines' rhythm to the second and third, for example, "On a large and bobbing barrel/In the middle of the sea, /Floats a wayward little sailor,/Dreaming, happy, and carefree.]"  From there on, that rhythm would require other changes to fit an ABCB rhyme scheme.  Rewriting the whole thing could be a good exercise, and produce a poem easy to read, recite, or sing that preserves its half-rollicking, half-wistful character.


It will take work, but I think you're onto something here.

[Achebe]

I see something highly improbable and therefore funny in this situation. A guy adrift in the middle of the ocean in a barrel? Just to get away from his loud and cussing mates? It's priceless.
But your pome isn't exploiting the possibilities of that situation.
Here are some things to consider:
1) can you inject a but of irony into line 4 (L4)?
2) can you create some colourful phrases? Eg."routish men in loutish bouts/ nor to hear their drunken yells/ but the seawind's singsong swells?" - the last might be going overboard, but you get my drift
3) think of your sailor as Popeye meets don Quixote. The rest will follow.

Good start. Funny little piece. Has potential.

[TheNewbie]

I like this poem but think you could add more to it. I feel as though the last verse isn't finished.
I enjoyed reading it and it almost had a sing song effect.
I am new to all this and hopefully can come back and leave more feedback when I get into the swing of things.
I hope this helps!

[John1865]

I just edited my first post to include my first edit of my poem, and I am working now on my second. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

[Jezie]

This is a fun read... I only have a few thoughts... In S3 L4... It feels a bit forced. The line itself works, but feels odd and took away from the poem for me. The change from ABAB to ABAB was interesting.

[mv5543]

On a large and  bobbing barrel
In the middle of the sea,
Floats a wayward little sailor,
Drinking brackish tea.

Nevermore to hear the shouts
Of drunken men in tackless bouts.
Nor to hear of men’s fierce yells,
But instead the soft sea swells.

He shall float on salty foam,
‘Till he finds an island home,
And lay across its golden shore
Where worries bother him no more.

And in his mental sanitation,
On his fair and lonely isle,
To forget all men and deprivation,
And laugh a little while.

Hi! A novice critic here. In the last stanza, the line 'And in his mental sanitation' doesn't appeal to me as much as the rest of the poem, which I quite like. To me, the poem seems to be about finding the peace of solitude on an isle or island away from the rest of mankind. The line 'And in his mental sanitation' makes me think of sanitation in the sense of cleaning a toilet or having a septic tank, and doesn't fit the imagery of nature such as 'soft sea swells' , 'salty foam', and 'golden shore' used in the rest of the poem. Overall, the whole idea of getting away from the cruel world of man to find bliss on your own island is done well and effectively. 

[R.W.Moore]

This reminds me of my time in the Navy. I can relate to a lot of what is being said here. I actually enjoyed the earlier version a little better, the pacing was very reminiscent of rolling waves to me. Nonetheless I enjoyed both versions. My only suggestion would be to pull the articles out whenever possible: "of,and,the" feel unnecessary to me. I think that would make your poem feel more like prose than a story. And some of the pronouns feel unnecessary too. 

Very enjoyable and entertaining. I'm glad I read it