Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
I never learned to fix a bike
or cook a meal for two;
instead I’ve practiced phrases like
"delivery will do".
I order through a simple app
two pizzas, extra cheese,
then pay real quickly with a tap -
my phone to their machine.
It’s tough to live a simple life
when everything’s so new;
two kids, a dog, a house and wife,
consume, consume, consume!
Posts: 133
Threads: 33
Joined: Sep 2015
Sad how true this is, yet refreshing at the same time.
Consume, consume, consume...
Crit away
Posts: 751
Threads: 409
Joined: May 2014
Hey WJ, been enjoying this. Nice consistent meter. Only one instance below where I fear you forced it.
(02-25-2016, 08:09 AM)Wjames Wrote: I never learned to fix a bike
or cook a meal for two;
instead I’ve practiced phrases like
"delivery will do".
I order through a simple app
two pizzas, extra cheese,
then pay real quickly with a tap - the word "real" jumps out as a filler word.
my phone to their machine.
It’s tough to live a simple life
when everything’s so new;
two kids, a dog, a house and wife,
consume, consume, consume!
Fun read thanks,
Paul
Posts: 340
Threads: 204
Joined: May 2013
Haha like this one alot! Really captures change that has occurred / modern convince. Love the tone and rhythm of the poem as well. Thanks for the awesome read!
Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
--mark twain
Bunx
Posts: 489
Threads: 182
Joined: Jan 2013
Thanks for reading everyone, I agree about "really" Tiger, I'll try and think of something better.
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Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(02-25-2016, 08:09 AM)Wjames Wrote: I never learned to fix a bike
or cook a meal for two;
instead I’ve practiced phrases like ....the sing-song nature of regular tetrameter irritates me - I'd have preferred the irregular "practising instead, phrases like", but that's just me.
"delivery will do".
I order through a simple app ..."simple" is a weak choice, but not disastrous.
two pizzas, extra cheese,
then pay real quickly with a tap -
my phone to their machine.
It’s tough to live a simple life
when everything’s so new;
two kids, a dog, a house and wife,
consume, consume, consume! ...the near-rhyme doesn't work in this last line. You need a perfect rhyme here. I'd suggest changing the "new" two lines above.
I liked the first line of the poem, particularly. A guy I know got his expensive bike (a cycle) serviced for nearly 500 dollars....and he just uses it for recreational riding
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
