Real Love

[ficosdarkness]

I have dreamed in the darkness of the night, of how true love would actually feel,
but in the brutal light of the day, I never experienced a love that was real.
In my dreams that were set in the warm summer dusk, true love would capture me,
but once I was caught, I'd awake from my dream and true love would just set me free.
You saw straight past the white noise in my dreams and heard the sound of my silent cries.
You opened my heart with the love in your own and that's how you opened my eye's.
The other loves in my life, that had left me alone, I saw clearly, they were'nt meant to be,
because your love's the only love that I've known, that my heart could rightly see.
No more dreaming of love, in the dark of the night, because we walk in the sun, side by side.
No more shame for love's lost, my silent cries have all stopped and I hold my head high with pride.
I'll take the rest of my time, by day or by night, readily showing you how I feel.
My dream's have come true, with no need to fight, because the love that we share, it is real.

---

I have dreamed in the darkness of the night, of how true love would actually feel,
but in the brutal light of the day, I never experienced a love that was real.
In my dreams that were set in the warm summer dusk, true love would capture me,
but once I was caught, I'd awake from my dream and true love would just set me free.
You saw straight past the white noise in my dreams and heard the sound of my silent cries.
You opened my heart with the love in your own and that's how you opened my eye's.
The other loves in my life, that had left me alone, I saw clearly, they were'nt meant to be,
because your love's the only love that I've known, that my heart could rightly see.
No more dreaming of love, in the dark of the night, because we walk in the sun, side by side.
No more shame for love's lost, my silent cries have all stopped and I hold my head high with pride.
I'll take the rest of my time, by day or by night, readily showing you how I feel.
My dream's have come true, with no need to fight, because the love that we share, it is real.

Ln 8 ...,"that my heart could rightly see." This is the way that it flowed for me and I just couldn't change it, although it may be awkward to the reader. Is this in bad form??
fd

[billy]

I have dreamed in the darkness of the night, of how true love would actually feel,
but in the brutal light of the day, I never experienced a love that was real.
In my dreams that were set in the warm summer dusk, true love would capture me,
but once I was caught, I'd awake from my dream and true love would just set me free.
You saw straight past the white noise in my dreams and heard the sound of my silent cries.
You opened my heart with the love in your own and that's how you opened my eye's.
The other loves in my life, that had left me alone, I saw clearly, they were'nt meant to be,
because your love's the only love that I've known, that my heart could rightly see.
No more dreaming of love, in the dark of the night, because we walk in the sun, side by side.
No more shame for love's lost, my silent cries have all stopped and I hold my head high with pride.
I'll take the rest of my time, by day or by night, readily showing you how I feel.
My dream's have come true, with no need to fight, because the love that we share, it is real.

---

Ln 8 ...,"that my heart could rightly see." This is the way that it flowed for me and I just couldn't change it, although it may be awkward to the reader. Is this in bad form??
fd

not really. though if you think it may cause confusion to the reader, wouldn't it be better to address the problem, that's if you write the poetry for others to read.
i'll mention a couple of points;

cliché:
love, its such a common theme in poetry that almost everything new that comes along is in fact seldom new. often it's been said a hundred or more so times before. i'll make bold which lines or phrases i think fit the term.
it may not be the exact line thats been said but the general feel of a phrase.

repitition:
love=10 times.
dream/ed/s=6
true=4
there are others.

i'm struggling to remember who said; (so i'm paraphrasing):
if you use the words love or beautiful once in a poem you put it on the path to ruin.
using them twice is too much.
if you use them three or more times your poem is beyond repair.

i don't agree that any poem is beyond repair but i do think it can be made harder. that you have love in the title should be enough.

for me i think love is a great subject for a poem but the write of it has to be original.

thanks for the read fd

[ficosdarkness]

I have dreamed in the darkness of the night, of how true love would actually feel,
but in the brutal light of the day, I never experienced a love that was real.
In my dreams that were set in the warm summer dusk, true love would capture me,
but once I was caught, I'd awake from my dream and true love would just set me free.
You saw straight past the white noise in my dreams and heard the sound of my silent cries.
You opened my heart with the love in your own and that's how you opened my eye's.
The other loves in my life, that had left me alone, I saw clearly, they were'nt meant to be,
because your love's the only love that I've known, that my heart could rightly see.
No more dreaming of love, in the dark of the night, because we walk in the sun, side by side.
No more shame for love's lost, my silent cries have all stopped and I hold my head high with pride.
I'll take the rest of my time, by day or by night, readily showing you how I feel.
My dream's have come true, with no need to fight, because the love that we share, it is real.

---

I have dreamed in the darkness of the night, of how true love would actually feel,
but in the brutal light of the day, I never experienced a love that was real.
In my dreams that were set in the warm summer dusk, true love would capture me,
but once I was caught, I'd awake from my dream and true love would just set me free.
You saw straight past the white noise in my dreams and heard the sound of my silent cries.
You opened my heart with the love in your own and that's how you opened my eye's.
The other loves in my life, that had left me alone, I saw clearly, they were'nt meant to be,
because your love's the only love that I've known, that my heart could rightly see.
No more dreaming of love, in the dark of the night, because we walk in the sun, side by side.
No more shame for love's lost, my silent cries have all stopped and I hold my head high with pride.
I'll take the rest of my time, by day or by night, readily showing you how I feel.
My dream's have come true, with no need to fight, because the love that we share, it is real.

Ln 8 ...,"that my heart could rightly see." This is the way that it flowed for me and I just couldn't change it, although it may be awkward to the reader. Is this in bad form??
fd

Thank you, Billy. You have given me things to consider that I have not and I agree with the "paraphrase" that you referred to. Love is a word (among other's) that is incredibly over used and over rated. My poem in not original at all it's just how it came to me. Thank you for giving it a read..., moving forward

[billy]

your poem still has lots of worth fd.
would love to see an edit if you do one

[Todd]

Hi fico,

It's good to see your posts. I'm looking forward to reading and commenting on your poems. I have some very general thoughts for this one.

In the 20+ years I've been actively writing poetry, I've written very few love poems. It's not because they're a bad topic far from it they're one of the most common reasons people try to express themselves in a poem. I haven't written many because they are so hard to pull off well. I'm not saying its wrong in any way for you to make the attempt. There are two things to keep in mind when you do it though either as Billy mentioned restrict directly mentioning love and hit the topic from an angle...or mention it but then follow up with imagery. Let the images describe the love you're talking about. By way of example, because I don't want to put this in your poem's thread, I included a poem in the Poetry Discussion Forum by Jacques Prevert called This Love. Unlike your poem it is free verse so it won't have the rhyme you use (nothing wrong with rhyme by the way you just need to make sure that you aren't forcing the syntax to accomodate the rhyme). Prevert's poem mentions love directly but note how many images he uses to describe what This Love looks like--something to think about.

Here's the link to the other forum post: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=1555&page=3

I hope the poem and these thoughts will be helpful to you. I would "love" to see you develop this poem more as you give it more thought.

Best to you,

Todd

[ficosdarkness]

Hi fico,

It's good to see your posts. I'm looking forward to reading and commenting on your poems. I have some very general thoughts for this one.

In the 20+ years I've been actively writing poetry, I've written very few love poems. It's not because they're a bad topic far from it they're one of the most common reasons people try to express themselves in a poem. I haven't written many because they are so hard to pull off well. I'm not saying its wrong in any way for you to make the attempt. There are two things to keep in mind when you do it though either as Billy mentioned restrict directly mentioning love and hit the topic from an angle...or mention it but then follow up with imagery. Let the images describe the love you're talking about. By way of example, because I don't want to put this in your poem's thread, I included a poem in the Poetry Discussion Forum by Jacques Prevert called This Love. Unlike your poem it is free verse so it won't have the rhyme you use (nothing wrong with rhyme by the way you just need to make sure that you aren't forcing the syntax to accomodate the rhyme). Prevert's poem mentions love directly but note how many images he uses to describe what This Love looks like--something to think about.

Here's the link to the other forum post: http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=1555&page=3

I hope the poem and these thoughts will be helpful to you. I would "love" to see you develop this poem more as you give it more thought.

Best to you,

Todd

Thank you, Todd. I'm going to give it a shot, for sure. Every little bit of advice I get is taken in and applied. (as long as I can get my mind around it) I'm on the way to read the poem and you have been of great help! Again, for real thank you much for your input.