The Myth of Sisyphus (edit 0.01 Billy)

[Erthona]

The Myth of Sisyphus
(apologies to Camus)
 
At the Jobcentre;
they cut off my legs
then told me to run
to my next appointment
or I would get  sanctioned.
 
erthona
 
©2016
 
Britain's benefit sanctions: 'You're not even human'

[Tiger the Lion]

The Myth of Sisyphus
(apologies to Camus)
 
I was at the Jobcentre;
they cut off my legs
then told me to run
to my next appointment
or I would get  sanctioned.
 
erthona
 
©2016
 
Britain's benefit sanctions: 'You're not even human'

Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and return to the back of the line.

[RiverNotch]

Led me down a rabbit hole, read article, relived Camus, relived Dostoevsky -- ai! Wonderland was great, but what about the hole itself?

First line is fair enough in presenting everything.
cut off my legs tells, not shows -- it's a vivid image, but inappropriately so, since the stories of the interviewed should be enough -- that is, this time, i think life would trump metaphor, and I do feel like this piece tries to be from one of those suffering, rather than your view as one of those suffering, if you catch my meaning
the break between lines 2 and 3 is good, since it gives it a rhythm that feels very natural not for poetry but for speech -- and again, if you're gunning to imitate the already worthy language of the suffering, that's good.
to my next appointment feels like a line that adds nothing -- an important bit to the poem's tiny plot, but one that can be easily compressed to the next line.
ending with sanction is good, especially in context of the Jobcentre bit -- but if you chose to expand this, because i do think this is rather too short to present the vivid punch of those imitated, sanctioned would be much punchier explained. "going without food and 'lecky' and gas for two weeks"

But if you weren't gunning to imitate, then -- well, this really isn't enough to present anything, not in vividness nor in punch from non-vividness. And I do think imitation in this case is the best way to present the people's point, especially in a medium as short as this, because their experiences directly told are already harrowing enough, and their use of the language has already a very beautiful rhythm hovering between the polemic, the vivid, and the contented.

Oh dear my brain is turning to sleep mush

[Erthona]

RN,

Thanks for the read and the comments/ramblings. Although I am afraid I must disagree with most of them, while at the same time I acknowledge some validity in your points, where my point the same as you characterize it.

I wasn't trying to present a case, pro or con, both sides have merit. The man did live through some rough treatment, but in the end did get a job because of that incentive. Then again he was more or less able bodied. They apply the same treatment it seems to the disabled; those who no amount of incentive will push to get a job as they are incapable of working one, or even lack the ability to get to one. So the poem, if you want to call it that, merely presents the situation. The legs cut off is not hyperbole, but a metaphor, stating that even when they try the system seems to do things that oppose them, then tell them to do something that they make nearly impossible. To cut off the last two lines would leave out too much information in my mind. Maybe others will comment on that. It was never my intention to make an emotional appeal for these people, but that could possibly make a good poem for someone to write if they kept it balanced and away from becoming preachy. Each story is different and things are not always as they appear on the surface. The truth is I have little compassion for a man who has been living off of other for seven years, and during that time has not gotten a job, then complains that his "benefits" (a dubious word at best) are being cut in half. So yes a bit of irony thrown in for good measure.

dale

[Magpie]

The Myth of Sisyphus
(apologies to Camus)
 
I was at the Jobcentre;
they cut off my legs
then told me to run
to my next appointment
or I would get  sanctioned.
 
erthona
 
©2016

Dale,

I've read this over a few times now and have wondered how best to reply. The title is interesting, although I am unsure whether the apology to Camus is a way of saying that 'The Myth of Sisyphus' is reference to his use of the the myth or if it indeed is just an apology for using the same metaphor as him, I don't think that it is necessary.
"they cut off my legs" fits in well with the title and Camus' ideas of the 'absurdity' of life, although if it is a metaphor it would seem like it is almost the same metaphor as rolling a rock up a hill in the way that Sisyphus had to. So have you used two metaphors to explain the same situation? Or is it Sisyphus that is getting his legs cut off? It is unclear because both options are a possibility. I like the idea of Sisyphus being the one going to the Jobcentre, this would add to the 'absurd' aspect of the poem.

Just a couple of points on the wording - In the first line I would use the slang word 'Dole' instead of 'Jobcentre' although I appreciate that this would also mean adding a note of explanation.
For the last line I would go with 'be sanctioned' as it seems more of a natural way of saying it. Having said that a British person would be more likely to say 'or my benefits would be stopped', although I understand why you have used the word 'sanction'. 

Perhaps you could use sanction in the title... "The Sanction of Sisyphus" or hmmm just a thought.

Interesting read. I've found it hard not to comment on the actual subject matter as it is a system I know very well and do feel quite passionate about.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[billy]

The Myth of Sisyphus
(apologies to Camus)
 
I was at the Jobcentre;
they cut off my legs
then told me to run
to my next appointment
or I would get  sanctioned.
 
erthona
 
©2016
 
Britain's benefit sanctions: 'You're not even human'

i have been there, it's not a good place to be, specially if you get one of twattish types who want to make you jump through hoops for the fun of it.

if i had a thought to change anything i'd say lose [i was] other than that it's a succinct image that works for me.

[Erthona]

Good suggestion, will incorporate.

dale

[RiverNotch]

I did actually consider the whole legs cut off as a metaphor, but it felt like a metaphor that was just so out there, like there was an element of gore that felt at one end inappropriate, at another end dispensable -- inappropriate in that it colors the whole poem too much to one off-the-road way, dispensable in that the experiences related in the article you linked to, at least for me, have the same brevity and punch already.

I guess I completely missed your [or the poem's] complete neutrality to the event -- might be related to the article? which was I think very one-sided; or at least to the issue, which doesn't feel like something you can't help but take sides in.

The Myth of Sisyphus
(apologies to Camus)
 
I was at the Jobcentre;
they cut off my legs
then told me to run
to my next appointment
or I would get  sanctioned.
 
erthona
 
©2016

Dale,

I've read this over a few times now and have wondered how best to reply. The title is interesting, although I am unsure whether the apology to Camus is a way of saying that 'The Myth of Sisyphus' is reference to his use of the the myth or if it indeed is just an apology for using the same metaphor as him, I don't think that it is necessary.
"they cut off my legs" fits in well with the title and Camus' ideas of the 'absurdity' of life, although if it is a metaphor it would seem like it is almost the same metaphor as rolling a rock up a hill in the way that Sisyphus had to. So have you used two metaphors to explain the same situation? Or is it Sisyphus that is getting his legs cut off? It is unclear because both options are a possibility. I like the idea of Sisyphus being the one going to the Jobcentre, this would add to the 'absurd' aspect of the poem.

Just a couple of points on the wording - In the first line I would use the slang word 'Dole' instead of 'Jobcentre' although I appreciate that this would also mean adding a note of explanation.
For the last line I would go with 'be sanctioned' as it seems more of a natural way of saying it. Having said that a British person would be more likely to say 'or my benefits would be stopped', although I understand why you have used the word 'sanction'. 

Perhaps you could use sanction in the title... "The Sanction of Sisyphus" or hmmm just a thought.

Interesting read. I've found it hard not to comment on the actual subject matter as it is a system I know very well and do feel quite passionate about.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

If the apology to Camus were you trying to distance the poem from him, rather than refer to him, I'd think just "Sisyphus" would do. If you were trying to refer to him, then something's missing -- that air of joy or defiance by my understanding the existentialist referred to.

And on your new edit, I think comma instead of semicolon.

[heslopian]

This is something I could have written, if I wasn't so damn bloated in my writing  The free-verse brevity and wit is very Richard Brautigan. Thank you for the read, I really enjoyed it.

The Myth of Sisyphus
(apologies to Camus)
 
At the Jobcentre;
they cut off my legs
then told me to run
to my next appointment
or I would get  sanctioned.
 
erthona
 
©2016
 
Britain's benefit sanctions: 'You're not even human'