The real monsters.

[Mr.Malicious]

They hide
Under the bed
In the closet
For fear that the real monsters
Will turn on the light.


Revision one 
Under the bed 
and in the closet
Is where the scattered trace 
of what humanity is left lies.
For they bring about their 
guns, their gods, and their government.
These primal excuses of evolution 
Ignore the truth that is
When the sun burns out the sky 
Donald Trump will not be there for you.

Please put your original after the revision and note that it is the revision, so there is no confusion. I'm not sure about the large font size, but I would suggest reducing it also as it seems confusing. Thanks  dale/mod

[Acephale]

They hide
Under the bed
In the closet
For fear that the real monsters (Take away the word "that")
Will turn on the light.

I like the end, but the beginning could be improved if you elaborated more. Content wise, this might be one you want to rhyme. Imagine a dark version of Dr. Seuss or Tim Burton's short film Vincent. Hope that helps.

[UselessBlueprint]

It's vague. It feels cliché. It sounds awkward, as there is no meter and the lines are really not end-stopped. It's vague (far too vague).

Interestingly, the part that bothers me the most is that there is seems to be little poetic thought to this. What I would have liked to see, at the very least, is a switch of lines 1 and 2. This will physically place them ("they hide") beneath the bed. This sort of thing is not always possible, but good writers can find ways to accomplish it. I've seen it from many poets in a few languages, Physically reflecting an image within the lines themselves is probably my favorite thing to do, and you've missed a good opportunity here.

[Mr.Malicious]

Revision one 
Under the bed 
and in the closet
Is where the scattered trace 
of what humanity is left lies.
For they bring about their 
guns, their gods, and their government.
These primal excuses of evolution 
Ignore the truth that is
When the sun burns out the sky 
Donald Trump will not be there for you.

[ellajam]

Hi, Mal, welcome to the Pen, it's best to put your edit first thing in the OP so newcomers to the thread know what to crit, see link below.
Posting an edit

[egr]

Hi there.

So, I've got to be honest. I liked where your original could have been going a lot more than where you took it.

The original had very familiar language, but you could have taken those "real monsters" and made them really scary in your own way.

To me, it seems like you took an idea that was pretty thin and pumped it full of abstract political buzzwords. There are already millions of people out to paint their artistic canvas with Trump's blood, many of whom have a bigger brush and a louder mouth. If you're going to add to the pyre, you need to light a better fire.

I suggest you go back to square one and try to fit your ideas from the revision into the original text in a more organic way.

[KingPoetry]

I would like to say this isn't bad, I have to agree with some that this could definitely  be spiced up with some rhyme however poems don't have to rhyme, make it your own. Maybe changing or adding something to it would add for flavor to the reader  such as. "Hiding under the bed, in the closet, fearing that instead, the real monsters will turn on the light"

[Bucca]

I like where the poem was going. Personally I prefer poems that have a "timeless" feel to them, so the Donald Trump part is off-putting for me. B

Maybe elaborate on what "under the bed and in the closet" means. Is humanity hiding in there or is it waiting to pounce on the innocent child? Adding contrast to the innocent vs the monstrous humanity would help add imagery/bulk to the poem. Why should we be afraid or repulsed by it?

[mpilting]

I would dump the Donald Trump line. If I may:
Under the bed
and past the puppet
is where the battered race
of humanity lies.
They bring about their
guns, gods, and government:
these primal excuses of evolution
that ignore the truth that is.
When the sun burns out the sky,
we'll all wonder why
Donald Duck was not there for you.

Sorry. I shouldn't rewrite someone else's poetry. It's bad form. I just wanted to show you where you might go with it.
I think this poem has potential, but it needs work, imo.

I actually like the first version of the poem best. It's vague; and people can read into it their own meaning.

[Bunx]

Like where this poem is going, I think you could be more specific with the people you are taking about initially in the poem. Expand a bit more and have fun with it. There are alot of ton way to describe Trump supporters!

[jeh]

I would like to echo the sentiment of others that your original was pretty good, and that it definitely had potential, and that the revision is just not the right direction. I personally liked your original draft. I think if you expanded it that it would be very fun to read. It did have a certain generic-ish poetry feel to it, so fleshing it out with more detail would definitely improve it, but sometimes wrapping up quickly is not a bad thing (in my personal opinion).



Revision one 
Under the bed 
and in the closet
Is where the scattered trace 
of what humanity is left lies.
For they bring about their 
guns, their gods, and their government.
These primal excuses of evolution 
Ignore the truth that is
When the sun burns out the sky 
Donald Trump will not be there for you.
[/quote]

[timg516]

I understand the premise but would be much better if it rhymed. The stage is set with this poem. Could go in a dark direction but bring out the monsters more. Kind of jumped different places and bringing out more of the poem would make it better sounding. You would go in depth a little more and I think this is what this poem needed. Just a little bit more detail. Thank you

[Humphrey]

I have to agree with Egr, I like your original attempt a bit better. The contrast between monsters and humanity is a duality that has always appealed to me. The references to the places where classic monsters hide used as a sanctuary from both the light and humanity. Your first attempt is a wonderful start to a poem.

The rendition you made is a different matter. In L5, this doesn’t flow well. The idea is sound but needs to be reworked. I might use something like, “This world brought about by.” Also, L7 is also weak. You use both primal and evolution which are contradictory. I see what you were trying to do here by relating people who are still relying on their base needs and archaic notions to the evolved race/ideas people should have. The rest isn’t bad, but you may want to research an event that is likely to occur and use that. I think that this will have a bit more impact with your reader.

[Quixilated]

Hello Mr.Mal,

I actually loved your first version. The idea that the monsters are in the closets and under beds because they are hiding from us, rather than waiting to jump out at us, well it tickled my fancy and I'm still smiling about it. I know there is a dark element where I have to feel bad that I'm being called a monster (in general as a human, not specifically as an individual), but the plot twist is just too fun to let me dwell on it.

Comments for the first version would be to just call it "Monsters" because you use "the real monsters" later in the poem and takes a bit of the surprise twist away to have already read it in the title. Then you could move a few of the words around ... but like living room furniture, just because I like it better under the window doesn't mean you have to put it there. So something like this:

Monsters

They hide under the bed
and in the closet
afraid
the real monsters
will turn on the light.

I'm sure you can keep playing with it and find something you like. Mostly the "that" in "that the real monsters" made the line awkward.

The revision is less of a revision and more of a completely different poem, nice in its own right. But the line about "the scattered trace of humanity etc." changes the entire meaning of the poem. Without that bit, the poem is about imaginary monsters hiding from the people who can often be more deserving of the name. With that bit, suddenly the "monsters under the bed" change from "the bogey man" to the symbolic monster representing the evil of humanity. Each meaning works for the poem it is in, but adding that line makes the poems two very, very different stories. Editing comments for the revision:
In the case of the revision, the original title "The Real Monsters" is appropriate.

Under the bed
and in the closet
Is where the scattered trace I would simplify these two lines, the wording is ... wordy. Something more straightforward like, "lie the scattered traces of humanity"
of what humanity is left lies.
For they bring about their
guns, their gods, and their government.nice alliteration, maybe make government plural as well
These primal excuses of evolution
Ignore the truth that is
When the sun burns out the sky
Donald Trump will not be there for you. I feel like you could find a better image here. The build up is so intense taking me from the dawn of time to the end of the world. Then this line just makes me ... well it's like we're racing and building speed and suddenly i'm floating in a bubble. It's ... disorienting. Also, we were talking about monsters, under the bed and in our actions, and suddenly I'm jolted to politics. I didn't know we were talking about politics until that last line. I thought we were talking about monsters and men and what has become of us like "Heart of Darkness" and things like that. I think you poem could be amazing with the right image here. It's important because it's the last line, it's the one the audience is going to take with them, echoing in their head. But it has to make sense with the rest of the poem.

Well, that's all I've got to say for now. Happy editing if you decide to keep working on either one. You've got a good idea going, just need to amputate any superfluous words/phrases, and make sure your imagery is consistent and strong.

--Quix

[humility]

These are just the random thoughts of someone with no actual care about poetry and shouldn't be taken as anything else. But my gut feelings and thought of this poem are as follows. It doesn't have any earworm quality to it. And feels awkward to me when I say it aloud. As for the subject matter, kind of vapid imo.  Without a greater context it feels like a teenager or hollywood producer just trying to be generically edgy and deep, without actually applying any philosophical reasonings to achieve the depth. Its probably the use of the word 'real monsters' that gives me that feeling. If it had just been "for fear the monsters" then it would have left the emphasis imo on the creatures hiding. But by using the word 'real' it emphasizes humanity and implied evil doing.

[Sarah Luu]

I have to be honest here, I prefer where your original poem was going before you edited it to make it more political. The edited poem feels rushed and like you didn't really care what you were writing. I can feel a dark essence in the original poem and that is my kind of thing. I love dark poetry, even if it has some cliche woven in to the design; like the monsters hiding under the bed.

I agree with previous comments about your title. You should definitely cut it down to "Monsters" because it will leave much for the reader to anticipate before they read your poem. If I saw a poem simple called "Monsters", I would readily read that poem and possibly expect some darkness along the lines.

Good luck with your future edits.

[psychonaut]

haha gotta love 2 poems about donald trump on a poetry website. The man certainly inspires. My 2 cents is that you can't just throw his name in at the end. You have to find a way to bring the reader there without telling them how or what to believe. I know I am just repeating the same comment as everyone else here, but I thought the original had a lot of potential and the re write seems although a little bit less ambiguous, it seems to directed now. Maybe somewhere in between?
Thank you for the read

[Taivey]

I have to agree with quixilated...especially in regards to the last line. Personally I really enjoy pieces that are left up to audience interpretation to a certain degree. I love reading a poem with someone and discussing the different ways we interpret the piece. By calling out trump, the conversation that follows could only lend itself to a political dialog. But, If political thought is specifically the drive for the piece, it's definitely well on its way accomplishing that.

[QDeathstar]

Hate is carnel, and in the end (assuming dying peacefully isn't an option) your right. The world won't have Donald trump, but it will still have hate. I think refocusing the piece on humans rather than Man would make this piece more provocative and timeless.

[Seanwd98]

The end made me laugh, but that's about it. I enjoyed the poem, but the final line turned it from a serious, contemplative poem to more or less a joke- not intended to insult, just my opinion on the shift in tone. If that was the purpose, then very good job in catching the reader off guard!