Learning

[TSlate]

A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned.
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund,
absconding soon as I was done.




FYI, the OP has not signed on again since the day this was posted./mod

[Achebe]

A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned.
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund,
absconding soon as I was done.

nice poem.
my observations:-

Pros:-
1) nice enjambment in L2 and L3.
2) 'complete, I matched each gap to spine' - nice mental image
3) nice ending. although it would resonate better if your title read 'bookshop browsing' or something like that. the idea being that you took what was in the book without paying for it. doesn't work if you're talking about a library, only a bookshop.

Cons:-
1) 'secrets slipped inside' - slightly flowery. 'secrets' is trying too hard.
2) 'every pulsing line' is unnecessary hyperbole, unless you actually meant that you read the entire book like that, which is unusual.
3) 'and brilliance sparked where words aligned.' - mangled. you'll perhaps have to rewrite this entire line.

[TSlate]

Ronsaik, thank you for the critique! I admit my poems are flowery at times.    Not sure how to improve the verses just yet, but I'll work on it.

[aschueler]

Cute, short little poeem.

I like the theme; it has some nice turns. The language and word choices overall are nice.

There is a cliche with mind devouring. Also, "secrets slipped inside" is awkward, as I can't tell if they are slipping inside you or the biggest book. After much thought, I figure its slipping into you. But ... Still strange word choice. Perhaps a more active verb could be used, words like culled, gleaned even extracted, etc would be better. You are following "devoured" so keep it strong.

[Cpx]

A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned.
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund,
absconding soon as I was done.

Hello,

Very first post here, so just do apologize if I am not up to par in my critique. I very much enjoyed this nice short poem, and honestly do not see much wrong with it. Then again, I am brand new to this whole critiquing mess (at least, other than critiquing my own peotry, which happens too much) so I may be wrong, though hopefully not!

Absconding was a very good word choice, by the way, in my opinion.

[dukealien]

A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned.
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund,
absconding soon as I was done.

Interesting blank verse (iambic pentameter), with some rhymes, near-rhymes, and alliteration.  I get the narrative of the romp with the book, and like it - even picture the bookcase's little pull-out shelf on which the inviting volume is devoured.

I'm a little confused by the sentence spanning L2-3, "...and secrets slipped inside."  Is the viewpoint character slipping something (secrets) into the volume?  A note?  Certainly not - the information transfer is from the volume, right?

Another thing that jarred me a bit was use of the neuter "it" in L8 ("I laid it...") when you've just referred to the volume as your friend in the previous line.  If this is an intentional shift from personalized to depersonalized (foreshadowing "absconding"), great.. otherwise, "friend" may be too close a relationship since you've just performed a sort of wham-bam-thank-you-book.

You have an excellent grasp of meter.  A direction to expand your skills might be word choice (expand your woirking vocabulary, which also facilitates rhyming if you wish it).

[Jeremiahcp]

A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned.
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund,
absconding soon as I was done.

I love the direction of this poem, and it just inspired me to write a short little poem about reading. But here are my thoughts, take or leave them as you like.

"I obliged, and secrets slipped inside."

You need to tell us where the secrets are going.  You could write it this way, "and secrets slipped inside my mind, as I devoured every pulsing line." 


"then gathered up my borrowed fund"

I am not really clear on this line. Where are the borrowed fund from and what does it have to do with the poem? Are you in a library, is that a book that you are taking? I also really want to stick an 'S' on the end of fund. It would just sound more natural to me that way, and fund when said aloud, sounds really close to fun. 

"absconding soon as I was done."

Why are you sneaking out? Did you do something wrong? Maybe I am missing it, but I don't see anything in the poem that would cause you to sneak out. However, that could be an interesting twist, maybe you couldn't find the right spot to place the book, because you knew it belonged with you, so you steal it and sneak out. 

Ronsaik, thank you for the critique! I admit my poems are flowery at times.    Not sure how to improve the verses just yet, but I'll work on it.

Generally, people have a problem with flowery/ornate language when they are trying to hard to make something sound poetic. To help tone it down, use simple and plain language, and read lots of poetry. People learn how to write by reading, so read poetry and not just the classics,  try to read some contemporary writers as well. I am fond of Billy Collins if you want a place to start.

[Shrewbe]

A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned. - I really love this line
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund, - Not very clear on what "fund" the narrator's referring to. I mean I do get that the narrator is in some kind of a library however... I don't how "fund" fits in there.
absconding soon as I was done.

I actually think your poem is wonderful as is, barring the "fund", I think it relays the experience of intimacy that is shared between a reader and a book. A kind of an affair, to which no one else is admitted but the reader. The way you have composed these lines made me feel like as though for just a moment, I got to be a witness and party to that very intimacy. I actually also happen to like the flowery language, it goes well for me only because you have utilized it in such a concise fashion.

[Seanharvey]

I like this. Maybe change to "secrets slipped inside my mind." I get the use of "pulsing" as it connotes that the book is alive to you, I just don't like it. Makes me think of "throbbing," and that can't be good lol. What brilliance sparked? The author of the book? The author of the poem? Both I'd imagine. Nicely done.

[Erthona]

I'm not a big fan of enjambment, and certainly not here. Lines before the enjambment:

"A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside."

This could be lines of erotica. I get caught with the "slipped inside" every time I read it. It is disruptive to the poem. The enjambment only heightens this, it is neither clever or useful. It seems merely an attempt at cleverness, and since when is cleverness something one should shoot for?
Don't overdo things with the hyperbolic speech, doing so almost makes the poem a parody of itself.

Nice solid iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets. I like the off, or slant rhymes, kept it from becoming boring.

Overall a very good poem, just needs some toning down.

dale

[Taboosun]

Interesting poem. I actually was following it with my mind producing imagery to match every phrase but it stopped after your line "Complete, I matched each gap to spine." Up till then you did a great job of carrying me from metaphorical concept to metaphorical concept but my interest waned when you started talking bout your friend. Im not saying this is wrong, but I want you to know what I noticed in my reading. Im not one to tell you how to write but usually if you ask yourself if you could of transitioned better into your friend line youll get your answer. Keep it up. I seem to be posting a lot of critique about transitions as of late. Its either that im noticing that many poets need to improve on this or maybe I just have a prefrence of writing a piece of poetry that relates and ties together as whole. Nevertheless keep it up.