whoa to wickedness

[psychonaut]

Edit 1


woe to the suppressor of my dreams
woe to the demagogue who hungers for 
irrational human supposition
you condesate power
into a sickly saccharin sludge
and you spray it upon me
and it eats me
but woe to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom
and I will turn your poison back against you
and I will laugh
and you will corrode
like a rusty hinge in
a warm ocean spray



Original

whoa to the suppressor of my dreams
whoa to the demagogue who hungers for 
irrational human supposition
from which power is photosynthesized
and sprayed back upon me
like a cancerous toxic waste
and it eats me
 but whoa to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom
and I will turn your poison back against you
and I will laugh
and you will crumble like a thousand
pillars made of sand

[billy]

who is the suppressor, demagogue and oppressor, freedom of what?

the last two lines work well though hint at cliche, they show us an image. everything else leaves us staring into space. while the poet may know what he/she means, think about the poor reader even the title is so ambiguous without context as to confound the reader instead of enlightening them

[Leanne]

'Whoa' is what you say to a horse -- are you demanding that they stop galloping, or do you mean 'woe' as in misery?

I can't get power being photosynthesised. I mean, I know you're trying to say that the supposition is transformed into power as a substance, however 'photosynthesised' is specifically about transforming light (hence 'photo'). You could probably get away with just 'synthesised'.

Are you very attached to 'cancerous toxic waste'? It's such a cliche, and later on you mention redirected poison that causes the oppressor to crumble, so your toxic waste line becomes redundant. It's a very weak simile in any case.

Why 'a thousand pillars'? If you're going to use hyperbole, make it worthwhile. Do a thousand pillars crumble differently to just one? Or do you have a thousand oppressors?

The angst is hard to leave behind, but it rarely makes for great poetry. I have read this poem a thousand times (see? hyperbole) and I want to know what makes you different to all those other angsty young'uns. We've all been there, but it's clear that you have the ability to leave it behind and I suggest you do.

[psychonaut]

@Billy It was supposed to be about an American presumptive nominee I will leave unnamed and I almost binned it for being to obvious. Important lesson in perspective. And the title was crap your right I had to think of something as I was posting and that's the best I had.

@Leanne How embarrassing! Please excuse me I have not done any real writing since high school and that was about 10 years ago. Woe is me I suppose.... Photosynthesized doesn't really work does it? Maybe I can word that better. I'm a little surprised you jumped on the toxic waste cliche but not the pillars of sand one which I hated. But I do kind of like it, maybe I could change the crumble?

Leaving behind the angst is hard for me. I saw it listed in the "5 don'ts of newbie poetry" but a huge portion of what inspires me to write, and an even larger portion of what I write that I enjoy is about discontent. And if I could list a couple famous poets that wrote with angst but the truth is that this is all just for fun anyway. So I'm sorry, but you are going to hear some more angry poems from this young turk but I did listen to and consider your advice and if it makes you feel any better we both know you will be able to tell me I told you so in the future.

Ill re-work this over the weekend and update on Monday and thank you both very sincerely for taking the time to read my poem 1000 times ;-)

[billy]

well taken feedback psycho.

good poetry can have angst and anything else if done well. it's that common angst of many young poets who think expressing in such ways is a good way to write poetry. the good poets make their angst work in original ways. as i said; the title can make a poem, it can lead us in a specific direction. till you learn to channel the angst try and temper it with strong images [metaphor/simile]

great to see a poet accepting feedback in a positive way.

[Lizzie]

If you do choose to go with the "Woe" version while you're re-writing, it would combine well with the pillar of sand reference about Lot's wife. It could develop an almost prophetic-warning tone that I think would be interesting. I love Biblical references and imagery. But, I agree that the person being warned was not obvious, if that's what you were going for.

Also, at the risk of being contrary, I also am a big fan of angst (if it's done well). I'm a huge fan of Sylvia Plath's "Lady Lazarus" which is just rife with angst. Personal preference.

[psychonaut]

Hey guys how about this

woe to the suppressor of my dreams
woe to the demagogue who hungers for
irrational human supposition
you condesate power
into a sickly saccharin sludge
and you spray it upon me
and it eats me
but woe to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom
and I will turn your poison back against you
and I will laugh
and you will corrode
like a rusty hinge in
a warm ocean spray

I left the title out because I still didn't have anything good and I am not sure about the sickly saccharin sludge. I like the "saccharin" but I'm not sure about the rest. Also does the alliteration work or is that too much? Does that last image work or could that use tweaking?

@Lizzie That was a great idea. So great that I didn't want to use it haha. It was so perfect that I just couldn't put it in and still call the poem my own so I had to work it another way. Also I read lady lazarus and thought it was great. What else of Sylvia Path should I read?

[Leanne]

woe to the suppressor of my dreams
woe to the demagogue who hungers for
irrational human supposition
you condesate power -- do you mean condense?
into a sickly saccharin sludge -- you're right in thinking this is too much, but you might find it better to get rid of sickly than saccharin -- e.g. "into saccharin sludge"
and you spray it upon me -- instead of starting with and, which is fairly overdone, I'd recommend you break the stanza here and start with you
and it eats me
but woe to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom -- you probably don't need because
and I will turn your poison back against you -- or and
and I will laugh
and you will corrode
like a rusty hinge in -- a rusty hinge is already corroded, so the simile doesn't work.  Maybe an exposed hinge, or something implying that it's cheap 
a warm ocean spray -- does it have to be warm?  That sounds a bit too pleasant for the tone of the poem. 

Well done with your edit.  The poem does suffer a bit from lack of punctuation -- not every poem has to have punctuation, you say?  Yes, you're right, but in order to get away without it, you have to choose words that stand alone and provide their own emphasis.  It's actually pretty tricky.  Punctuation lends you a bit of support and would let you get rid of most of your conjunctions (and, because), which weaken the poem -- they're filler words and they draw the power away from the words you want to stand out.  

When using similes, always first ask yourself if you could get rid of like/as and turn it into a metaphor instead.  Metaphors are generally regarded as the stronger of the two, and ending on a simile is rarely powerful.  For example, consider your last few lines punctuated and with a metaphor instead (with your existing words, sans conjunctions):

Woe to you, Oppressor!
Awakened in me is the drive for freedom --
I will turn your poison back against you,
I will laugh,
and you will corrode:
a rusty hinge
in a warm ocean spray

Just suggesting

[billy]

good solid edit. the end simile is much stronger, though it can be improved on. the woe's are also much better. though you missed the one in the title.
well done so far.

Edit 1


woe to the suppressor of my dreams
woe to the demagogue who hungers for
irrational human supposition
you condesate power condesate sounds like the wrong word choice.
into a sickly saccharin sludge just a little too much alliteration but great try.
and you spray it upon me is the [and ] needed?
and it eats me
but woe to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom [because] often weakens a line of poetry, does it do so here?
and I will turn your poison back against you the first [and] and possibly the 2nd in this sequence feels like filler.
and I will laugh
and you will corrode
like a rusty hinge in maybe [into] instead of [like], or you could just remove the [like]. just a suggestion.
a warm ocean spray



Original

whoa to the suppressor of my dreams
whoa to the demagogue who hungers for
irrational human supposition
from which power is photosynthesized
and sprayed back upon me
like a cancerous toxic waste
and it eats me
but whoa to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom
and I will turn your poison back against you
and I will laugh
and you will crumble like a thousand
pillars made of sand

[QDeathstar]

Edit 1


woe to the suppressor of my dreams
woe to the demagogue who hungers for 
irrational human supposition
you condesate power
into a sickly saccharin sludge
and you spray it upon me
and it eats me
but woe to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom
and I will turn your poison back against you
and I will laugh
and you will corrode
like a rusty hinge in
a warm ocean spray



Original

whoa to the suppressor of my dreams
whoa to the demagogue who hungers for 
irrational human supposition
from which power is photosynthesized
and sprayed back upon me
like a cancerous toxic waste
and it eats me
 but whoa to you oppressor
because awakened in me is the drive for freedom
and I will turn your poison back against you
and I will laugh
and you will crumble like a thousand
pillars made of sand

well, the title is the best part. Keep it. It's pretty unique I think. The rest is generic rage speak against the man, whoever that is, we don't know... no one ever says specifically. I feel like any 14 year old with a bad attitude and funny haircut could write it.


eats. I think assaults me, would work better there. The images you conjur up seem to be haphazard and lacking a point in relationship to the poem. I mean, I get that you want him to rust,and salt water rusts things, but why the ocean? Seems to me acid can corrode and might make more logic in relationship to what feels like a mad-max type post apocalyptic industrial oppressive regime. But, you never say what is actually going on, so I'm filling on my own blanks.

[psychonaut]

Jesus Deathstar, I'm all for constructive criticism, but there is not much I can do with a line like "any 14 year old could write this." I'm not submitting the thing for publication......

[QDeathstar]

I expanded on my comments in the next paragraph. I'm not a fluffer, though as I have learned, some things are better left unwritten. When receiving critique it's always best to consider the source.