Sweat -- edit 2

[Lizzie]

Fixed at the window—will my son
come home safe? My bowels forget
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
skin crisp like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

edit 2.
Fixed at the window, I wondered
if my son would come home safe.
For a moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

edit 1.


Today I started to sweat, still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
For one iced moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

original



Today I started to sweat still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
A terrible moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in previous lives.

[QDeathstar]

I'm missing the significance of the last line and the line break on the first line, but I feel they might be related so perhaps it is only one thing I am lacking.

[Lizzie]

I'm missing the significance of the last line and the line break on the first line, but I feel they might be related so perhaps it is only one thing I am lacking.

The last line originally read, "I don't believe in reincarnation," but I didn't think it worked with the meter. The idea is that I'm waiting for my son to come home on the bus, he's not late or anything, but I can't help but be overwhelmed by irrational feelings of terror that something terrible has befallen him. So, saying I don't believe in reincarnation is underscoring the irrationality of my fear.

[Leanne]

Sweat -- short poem



Today I started to sweat still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
A terrible moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in previous lives.

Hi Lizzie, know the feeling well -- anxiety and motherhood make interesting bedfellows. The bit that's off for me is "a terrible moment" and I wonder if "for one ___ moment" with a one-syllable adjective (or two quick syllables) might not work better?

I'm actually ok with reincarnation in the last line instead. It would be a bit stronger and the emphasis is correct, so since the meter's not regular anyway, I say go for it.

[billy]

hi lizzi, i had to google JWG but that was okay and i got the idea of what he was from the poem. would a semi colon help in the first line after sweat?
i think you could have used reincarnation in the last line. for such a short poem you give the reader a great sense of foreboding

Sweat -- short poem



Today I started to sweat still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
A terrible moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in previous lives.

[Lizzie]

Thanks for the suggestions! I've made a couple of changes.

Leanne: I was going for a more regular meter, but obviously I failed 

Practice, practice.

[RiverNotch]

Sweat, edit 1.



Today I started to sweat, still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
For one iced moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

I don't feel the anxiety as much with the slightly wordy diction, although this might just be because I got too-certain ideas from my latest read.

I started to sweat, waiting It's hot where I come from, so starting to sweat isn't so special. In fact, the emphasis on the fact that the speaker is starting to sweat feels off --- I'd much prefer if it was just matter of fact. Thus, no today --- and no still too, which either way is superfluous.
for my son to come home safe. Somewhat tempted to excise safe, with home already there.
For a moment, my bowels forgot Iced just doesn't feel right, so it's gone here.
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled, JWG peddled chicken? Never knew --- otherwise, I think these two lines are just right, although I'm kind of on the fence on whether it should be crisp or crispy.
and I don't believe in reincarnation. The change in subject for what the bowels are thinking about is a little weird, but that inconsistency's excusable. Much prefer reincarnation.

[Lizzie]

The sweat is not from heat, it's from anxiety. The phrase "breaking out into a cold sweat" is too common to have used in the poem (while it would have been clearer), but the physiological phenomena of becoming cold and sweating when the fight-or-flight response is triggered is a universal one.

[RiverNotch]

I get that the sweat is from anxiety, but as fight-or-flight is a universal response, so is sweating to higher temperatures.....that is, as I said, with your piece starting with the very neutral statement of the speaker sweating, any reader living in a country where sun is commoner than fear might, like me, be led to the wrong thought --- although now I get why iced is there a bit better, yet it still sounds awkward.

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie,
 
I was away from a computer this weekend and can't stand to do critiques on my phone. So, I missed commenting on the original. Here are some comments for you now.
 
I had a similar thought when my oldest son was born. He arrived on the day Michael Jackson died, and while Jackson was no Gacy I still felt a sense of symmetry and that my son was safer in some way. Even though that is ridiculous. It's just where my mind went.
 
To your poem: 
 

Sweat, edit 1.



 
Today I started to sweat, still waiting --Your title already establishes sweat this feels like an unnecessary repetition that you could cut. "Still waiting is all that is necessary really though that may suggest a bit of line reshaping. I saw there was some discussion on regular/irregular meter. I'm mostly just looking at content and perceived filler.
for my son to come home safe. --don't really like the repetion of for between the lines though I do like the for/forgot below.
For one iced moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,--This line reads a little awkward to me. I like his skin burning crispy but I think it might read better leading the line with crispy and cutting what came before.
and I don't believe in reincarnation. --This is a much better choice than past lives. Past lives might make me think Gacy could have been Cleopatra. It's much better to focus toward not believing in next lives. Good choice.



I hope some of that helps.



Best,



Todd

[Lizzie]

Hey Todd! Thanks for making time for my poem!

I'm glad that you understand my reasonable irrationalities    Ah, the parenthood brain.

Your crit is always helpful, thank you!

[Lizzie]

I'm finally getting around to a revision on this one.

Thank you Deathstar, Leanne, Billy, RiverNotch, and Todd for your help already.

[Achebe]

Fixed at the window, I wondered ..... you have replaced 'started to sweat' with the abstract 'wondered'
if my son would come home safe. ..... you were sweating for your son etc now you're just "wondering if" your son would come home safe. You wouldn't "wonder if"- you'd either not think about it or if you did, you'd be genuinely worried.
For a moment, my bowels forgot .... not "iced",just "moment"? Not a fail, but not terribly exciting.
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
crispy like the chicken he peddled, .... again, the minor detail of "skin" gone.  "Frying crisp" on its own is bland (no pun)
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

edit 1.


Today I started to sweat, still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
For one iced moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

original



Today I started to sweat still waiting
for my son to come home safe.
A terrible moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
his skin burning crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in previous lives.

Hi Lizzie - I think in an attempt to be concise you've stripped the poem of important detail. Now it reads like a fairly mundane journal entry. I think edit 1 was the best of the lot. Todd felt otherwise so ultimately you'll realise that you'll end up making someone or the other unhappy and it better not be Jack Gracy.

[Lizzie]

Thanks for reviewing it, Achebe. I'll probably try amputating the first half and see if I can re-purpose the remains.

[RiverNotch]

Fixed at the window, I wondered
if my son would come home safe.
For a moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

Hmm....perhaps
Fixed at the window -- would my son
come home safe? My bowels forget
that John Wayne Gacy's in hell,
crisp like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.
considering how expendable "I wondered", "for a moment", and "frying" are. Although at the very least, "crisp like the chicken" sounds far crisper than "crispy like the chicken", and the present tense somehow makes it sweatier.

[Lizzie]

Fixed at the window, I wondered
if my son would come home safe.
For a moment, my bowels forgot
that John Wayne Gacy is frying in hell,
crispy like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.

Hmm....perhaps
Fixed at the window -- would my son
come home safe? My bowels forget
that John Wayne Gacy's in hell,
crisp like the chicken he peddled,
and I don't believe in reincarnation.
considering how expendable "I wondered", "for a moment", and "frying" are. Although at the very least, "crisp like the chicken" sounds far crisper than "crispy like the chicken", and the present tense somehow makes it sweatier.

 

Ok, I can work with this River, thank you. I think you're right about the present tense. I still like frying, though....

Thank you for giving it another look.

Updated it with most of your suggestions, and added 'skin' back in as well.