Without Laces (formerly called - Now I Wear Slip On Shoes)

[Magpie]

2nd Edit
Without Laces

Uncle George told us
he couldn't remember
how to tie his laces
and we all laughed.

Next day he had a stroke.

Now I wear slip on shoes.


1st Edit - Todd
Now I Wear Slip On Shoes

Uncle George told us
he couldn't remember
how to tie his laces
and we all laughed.

Next day he had a stroke.


Original
Slip On Shoes

Uncle George told us
he couldn't remember
how to tie his laces
and we all laughed.

Next day he had a stroke.

Now I wear slip on shoes.

[Todd]

Hi Mark,

Simple suggestion, replace your title with the last line of your poem. End the poem on stroke.

Like it.

Todd

[Magpie]

Hi Mark,

Simple suggestion, replace your title with the last line of your poem. End the poem on stroke.

Like it.

Todd

Thanks Todd, that works so much better now, much appreciated,

Mark

[Lizzie]

I really love this  At the beginning, I'm expecting Uncle George to tell a story or share a bit of wisdom. Then it seems like you're setting up a joke. The ending seems to come out of nowhere, yet looking back the signs were there I just wasn't paying attention. I like that you led the reader on the same journey as the narrator. And the title change was perfect.

[Achebe]

It was mysterious before and macabre now. Kinda like 'jingles from Abu Ghraib'. Not too hot.
I think you need a summary at the end to soften the blow. I vote for reinstating the original line.

[RiverNotch]

I agree with Achebe. I thought the first time had more punch, what with that mystery, while still being macabre -- now, it's just macabre. No way a bad piece, just a blander one, for me.

Slightly unrelated note: right before I saw you post this, I was skipping through scenes of the film "The Red Shoes". Huh.

[Magpie]

I really love this  At the beginning, I'm expecting Uncle George to tell a story or share a bit of wisdom. Then it seems like you're setting up a joke. The ending seems to come out of nowhere, yet looking back the signs were there I just wasn't paying attention. I like that you led the reader on the same journey as the narrator. And the title change was perfect.

Thank you Lizzie, I was particularly going for the effect of an unexpected ending but if that's the way it comes across then I'm happy with that because I like those type of poems too.

Thanks for reading,

Mark

---

It was mysterious before and macabre now. Kinda like 'jingles from Abu Ghraib'. Not too hot.
I think you need a summary at the end to soften the blow. I vote for reinstating the original line.

Ah, you've got me in two minds now. I see what you mean. I like both versions in some ways because the effect is so different in both, but I definitely wasn't trying to be macabre. I'll think on it for a while a see what I'm thinking then.

Thanks for the read and the input,

Mark

---

I agree with Achebe. I thought the first time had more punch, what with that mystery, while still being macabre -- now, it's just macabre. No way a bad piece, just a blander one, for me.

Slightly unrelated note: right before I saw you post this, I was skipping through scenes of the film "The Red Shoes". Huh.

Thanks for the input, as I said with Achebe I am now in two minds and I definitely see the issue. The one problem that the edit did get rid of was the fact that I wasn't happy with the title being basically the same as the last line, which I think was a bit lazy on my part.

I definitely think about these issues and then see how I feel then,

Thanks for reading,

Mark

[Magpie]

After going over the two options I had and noting the difference in the overall tone due to the last line, I have made another edit which is essentially the original poem but with a different title. 

I think both versions are effective but to end the poem on a 'stroke' leaves the emphasis in the wrong place for what I had originally intended. Also, I suppose there is an element of macabre, not that macabre is bad, but the idea of forgetting how to tie your laces—such a simple everyday task that we do thousands of times without seemingly thinking—being the possible sign of a massive brain malfunction is a terrifying thought and that's more what I was wanting to say, to dwell on that particular thought.

I'm not totally sure of the new title but it doesn't give anything away so it serves its purpose in some ways.

Thanks for everyones input, you made me think really hard about this one which was difficult but ultimately beneficial.

Mark