Vietnamese Traffic - Edit 1

[Wjames]

Edit 1:

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils,
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs.

I drive with no objective, aimlessly
winding through the coughing, drooling city.


Original

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks
of passing horns. My glasses are so fogged
I can’t see past the man in front of me,
so I follow as we run through a red
and swerve to merge with the turning masses.

The truck behind me honks to say I’d best
evacuate the lane, or wind up sprawled
across the road like bugs on a windshield.

[Leanne]

We just say "run a red" here, so "run through a red" sounds a bit weird but that's not a problem, obviously. "turning" sounds a bit harsh and mundane in L6 but leaving it out would be no good because you do need a modifier and also, you'd end up with obvious alliteration so I see why you've put it in... I just wonder if there's not a better way to say it? It's very early though, and my brain hasn't yet fired up (I always worry at this time of the morning that it may never fire again).

Your closing simile is weak for two reasons: one, it's a cliche and two, you are singular, bugs are plural, the comparison is already flawed. To that end, the poem feels incomplete as I am not convinced the purpose for its writing is enough for a vignette. I would like to see more sensory activity here, more local information, because at the moment it pretty much sounds like it could be any street in a tropical region (even Cairns has mopeds now, they're very cosmopolitan...)

There is room to develop this into a "5 senses" type poem but right now, it's not capturing the imagination like it could.

[Achebe]

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged
with mopeds. Rubbish heaves in symphony
with passing horns. My glasses are so fogged
I can’t see past the man in front of me,
so I follow as we run through a red
and swerve to merge with the turning masses.

The truck behind me honks to say I’d best
evacuate the lane, or wind up sprawled
across the road like a windshield pest.

Sorry, didn't mean to hijack. Just got bored on the train. So many things to say in this pome. Need to explore more. Good luck.

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts Leanne, i agree with basically all of your points.

Im glad I could provide some inspiration Achebe, no problem at all.

[Slix343]

Feel free to dispose of what I'm saying as I only took one course in poetry and I'm by no means an official to recite this. But I think your structure is very poor. For example you have sentences that continue through lines, which is alright but you have done it crudely. There is little train of thought connecting the actions as this person wades through traffic. Moreover there is little use of clever word-play or organization to make this traffic feel any more unique from anyone else's daily commute. This is coming from a person who runs every time he crosses the street.

[mitsuch]

Living in India, I completely understand the pains of crowded streets, however I wasn't able to visualise anything that I haven't already seen, and as other people have said there was no uniqueness to the poem. It seems very generic. I will provide some input below, however I am in no means highly qualified to be doing so, but here is my review -

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged - From the beginning to the end, the wording is very plain. For me, using better wording, such as "Down pours the rain, clogging the winding, slim streets" would be something more inviting and grasping. That was just off the top of my head, not well written at all.
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks - Use of the word "the" here isn't required. Cuts from the flow. And also the continuity of a sentence with no segments onto the next line is not done well. Needs to improve.
of passing horns. My glasses are so fogged - Again this entire sentence can be written more evocatively.
I can’t see past the man in front of me,
so I follow as we run through a red
and swerve to merge with the turning masses.

The truck behind me honks to say I’d best
evacuate the lane, or wind up sprawled
across the road like bugs on a windshield. - The ending simile was a let down, as Leanne pointed out. It seems to be a sore thumb and very cliched so it does not add anything of value to the poem. finding a more unique simile would help.

Thanks for the read.

[billy]

a few small words feel like their only use is for the meter. the [and ] on the first and 2nd line. [so] in the third, [of me] in the fourth, and [I’d best] in line 7
for me a better way to say line [so I follow and run a red [light] is optional]

i think if you use meter as you have then try to make each word count more toward the read and less toward the meter; that said, i did enjoy the read and in the main it had a good original feel to it.

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks
of passing horns. My glasses are so fogged
I can’t see past the man in front of me, man car or bike?
so I follow as we run through a red
and swerve to merge with the turning masses.

The truck behind me honks to say I’d best
evacuate the lane, or wind up sprawled
across the road like bugs on a windshield.

[Wjames]

Thanks for all your thoughts guys, I've already made some edits (i.e: changing turning, and man), but I'm not done yet. I've cut the entire second stanza and I'm working on adding more to the poem.

I disagree with some of your words being only for the meter billy, when I take out a couple of them, the grammar seems wrong. i.e: my glasses are fogged I can't see past the man in front of me - I don't think so is superfluous here. I agree with some of them though, and I'm trying to resolve that.

I also like the line breaks at the end of the first two lines, Mits & Slix, I think they work well here.

Thanks for all your thoughts though everyone, I definitely think I can improve this one.

[justcloudy]

I keep coming back to this poem wjames, and each time I've wanted to comment but didn't know what to say. But rereading it just now I think I've figured out why I like it so much. As others have said, it's not because the language is masterfully poetic or evocative. It's because I know that scene. And I've lived through that scene and have had the same thought as you-- how poetic the chaos really is. And I appreciate that you're trying to put that into words. Some of the most poetic moments I've had living in Casablanca, Morocco for the past five years have been in the little, 30+ year old red taxis that take me from place to place as I get squished in the sweltering, stinky interior and get stuck in traffic. So no mopeds for me, and no monsoons, but I get it. So, no critique here, the others have said what needed to be said, but I hope you stick with this one. And if you see a poem about taxis jammed in traffic from me soon, thanks.

-jc

[Wjames]

Thank you JC. I'm working on an edit of this, and will hopefully have it done in short order.

I'd like to see you flesh that poem out, I'm sure it will be better than mine.

[kokomeki]

This poem lingers on the brink of evocative, and could potentially be a poem that takes every world traveler or city dweller right back to a moment that otherwise would have been inconsequential and forgettable.  In order to get there, there needs to be a slightly deeper exploration of the senses and how they were engaged.  For instance, was there a smell?  A tangible feeling?

The use of more adjectives would also bring this poem to higher ground.  Could "my glasses were so foggy" be changed to something more poetic, such as "heavy heat steamed my glasses so I can't see past..."?  "So I follow as we run through a red" could be something like, "I blindly follow as we run through a red."

Finally, instead of saying "like bugs on a windshield," perhaps you could reference a singular bug and even single out a specific insect to bring your image to life.  

Please post any revisions - I'd love to see where you take it!

[Wjames]

Thanks for all your thoughts, I've (finally) finished my first edit here.

I think it's much improved, but I'd appreciate some others opinions.

[kolemath]

Hey, Wjames.  Nice work with imagery.  I lived in Guatemala for part of the year in 2015 and know this scene well.  A few comments...
[quote='Wjames' pid='211551' dateline='1464886937']
Edit 1:

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged I like the connection between 'rain' and 'clogged,' but I try to avoid 'it' as a sentence subject, especially if there's no previous noun for 'it' to refer to.  how might the image of 'rainy season' feature more prominantly?
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks is 'violent' the right adjective for 'brakes?'
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark like L1, we have 'is' as our verb. not always the best choice. how might 'the air' perform a stronger verb. you have 'moving' in the line below. start from there?
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils, great image
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs. 'evening' is distracting for me, as no reference to a time of day seems necessary to my reading.

I drive with no objective, aimlessly why?
winding through the coughing, drooling city. I might like this second stanza to introduce the poem. it's a stronger into to the images of S1. then the 'no objective' idea would be less distracting, as the images of the setting would take prominence and close the poem. just a thought.

-kole

[Leanne]

Edit 1:

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks -- I enjoy the intertwining of the senses, the idea that a sound can make the air feel different.  This lifts your first line now because it's giving us a greater sense of place.  We can tell it's tropical, chaotic and not filled with affluent people
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark -- "rusted brakes" continues that idea of poverty and disrepair.  I am not sure whether "dense and dark" is better than "dense, dark" since you got to "and moving" on the next line
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils, -- and in come the smells to complete the picture.  This is tangible and very well done.
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs.

I drive with no objective, aimlessly -- the juxtaposition of the one aimless driver amidst a setting of a city frantic with purpose works well to convey the feeling of foreign, isolated, out of place
winding through the coughing, drooling city. -- I'm not sold on "drooling" but I do like the personification of the city

[fourteencarnivals]

It’s rainy season, and the streets are clogged opening line could be more interesting
with mopeds, puddles, and the violent shrieks hmm, like the phrase 'violent shrieks'. here begins the evocative part of the poem.
of rusted brakes. The air is dense and dark you could find better descriptors than 'dense and dark', although it works.
and moving, with meat smoke tendrils, an awkward-sounding line to me (of course the air is moving); 'meat smoke tendrils'?- that gives me an upton sinclair 'the jungle' vibe, although i think if you sharpened the language around here it would be pretty cool vibe.
exhaust pipe plumes, and evening siren pangs. are you trying to establish mood or describe something very specific? this line accomplishes neither, although i might be missing the point. 

I drive with no objective, aimlessly 'with no objective' and 'aimlessly' are the exact same things. 
winding through the coughing, drooling city. i like this last line. are you saying that the city is a colicky baby?  

(disclaimer to everything i said: i'm new.) i like the concept, but i think it's a bit underdeveloped, in particular the second stanza. you say the title is 'vietnam traffic', but this could describe any city in any country (besides the mopeds). not sure if you intend to edit further, but if you do, good luck!