Sometimes, a star is born

[Achebe]

Sometimes, a star is born

Sometimes, a star is born
clasping the cold blue firmament;
Cyprian Cytherea’s ornament
resplendently worn.
Sometimes, the sea wind flies
splat in the face of a logical man,
bespectacled orangoutan.
Sometimes, his heartbeat hies.

[ellajam]

I really like this one, love the sounds, I lke Sometimes, a dreamy word, the two hard "c"s followed by the two soft, Cyprian Cytherea's is such a fun thing to say. I love a good splat and it has the appropriate impact here. Heartbeat hies is a stopper, I would never say it but I love the sound and the way it makes the end fall. And I like it as a conclusion to the contradiction. A winner for me, thanks for the read.

Sometimes, a star is born

Sometimes, a star is born
clasping the cold blue firmament;
Cyprian Cytherea’s ornament
resplendently worn.
Sometimes, the sea wind flies
splat in the face of a logical man,
bespectacled orangoutan.
Sometimes, his heartbeat hies.

[RiverNotch]

Sometimes, a star is born

Sometimes, a star is born
clasping the cold blue firmament; comma instead of semicolon?
Cyprian Cytherea’s ornament PEDANTBEAR: Man, two epithets in one line, and both coming from exact opposites (Cytherea, that Aphrodite was born on Cythera; Cyprian, that she was born on Cyprus)? Author, make up your mind! xD
Not sure if it'd matter to the general reader, though. And yeah, "Cyprian Cytherea" is fun to say -- Kiprian Kitheriyyah! Kiprian Kitheriyyah! Still, annoys me to no end --- PEDANTBEAR, out!
resplendently worn.
Sometimes, the sea wind flies
splat in the face of a logical man,
bespectacled orangoutan. It's orangutan either way, mate. Or if you're French, orang-outan.
Sometimes, his heartbeat hies. I love the repeating sometimes's and "heartbeat hies", too -- saying it, HEARTBEAT HIES, really gives me arrhythmias. 

Real winner for me too.


.....or should I say star?

[Achebe]

@RN
Don't think there's any confusion on that front, as Homer's hymn to Aphrodite reads - see below (http://www.worldcat.org/wcpa/servlet/DCA...0520239911&standardNoType=1&excerpt=true) . The gods move in mysterious ways, evidently:

I will sing to Cyprian Cytheria, who gives kind gifts to mortals;
on her lovely face, ever smiling, an alluring bloom shimmers.
Hail, Goddess, ruling well-built Salamis and Cyprus in the sea:
give me an alluring song.


orangoutan is much more respectable, though.

---

@ella - thanks for reading and commenting. I always look forward to your critiques - they're insightful and a source of encouragement.

[RiverNotch]

@RN
Don't think there's any confusion on that front, as Homer's hymn to Aphrodite reads - see below (http://www.worldcat.org/wcpa/servlet/DCA...0520239911&standardNoType=1&excerpt=true) . The gods move in mysterious ways, evidently:

I will sing to Cyprian Cytheria, who gives kind gifts to mortals;
on her lovely face, ever smiling, an alluring bloom shimmers.
Hail, Goddess, ruling well-built Salamis and Cyprus in the sea:
give me an alluring song.


orangoutan is much more respectable, though.

---

@ella - thanks for reading and commenting. I always look forward to your reading and critiquing - they're insightful and a great source of encouragement.

Stupid myths. xD
Well, since the blind man spoke it, I guess it's acceptable now. But now I wonder why that didn't bother me when I read the hymns -- must be coz' of how much my eyes got all glossy by that point.

[ellajam]

my love for that last line grows, heartbeat hies can be taken so many ways, rushes, flees, increases, runs towards, two simple words that create a huge variety of paths. This for me is a great example of finding the perfect word so that ambiguity vs clarity is no longer the issue and it no longer matters what exactly the poet was aiming at because they have opened a door for me to walk down my own path.

Again, good one.

[Lizzie]

Achebe,

Gorgeous piece. I agree with ellajam about the open ended nature of the last line being a plus.

I only wish that 'splat' came at the very end of line 5, like it stopped the line with its force. Even though you're looking for that end rhyme, when I read the line with splat at the end, the sonics still correlate between 'flies' and 'hies.'

Or maybe you could just set 'splat' off by itself.

But, again, lovely piece.

Cheers,

Lizzie

[Achebe]

Lizzie, grazie, 谢谢, شكرا (that's just google translate)
I said L5 with 'splat' at the end a few times in my head, and I see the merit of your point. It's a nice new way to say that line. Thanks for the suggestion.

[ellajam]

I prefer it as is, flies is a strong break and splat as a first word stopper seems a successful enjambment for me. Thanks for the bump, Lizzie, still as much fun this time around