Imagining Disaster, previously "Stuck," edit 1

[Lizzie]

Pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised—
       like a statue:
       Could I stick this way?

Could sticky sap encase me,
swamping my throat, swallowing
my words, muzzling my mouth?
I'd be stopped in a lollipop,
       with my pen
       as the stick!

Could salty tears seal me,
—a corroded Tin Man—
my surface quiescent,
       permanently
       paused?

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture—
       a pose—
       in rigid repose.

Maybe the rust slithering up my skin
is not a fetter but rather
a rattlesnake's rigor as I writhe
up in coils and ready my venom,
       poising myself
       to strike.


Original Version, entitled "Stuck"

Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a statue?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?
Could I corrode like a rusty relic
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose,
my pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a snake.

[Achebe]

Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page, 'centimeter' is an unlovely word here. something like 'pen stayed an inch above the page' is better. the two 't's spoil the sonics for me.
       poised –
       like a statue?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me? ....I like this line. I don't mind the 'sap' coming out of nowhere and not fitting with the overall metaphor of the body as a statue. This is a nice, punchy line.
Could I corrode like a rusty relic   ....dissonance sets in. The image that you are painting brings to mind saints' processions. Since when are the relics made of iron or steel? It's either stone, or a base metal (or a precious metal). But mostly stone. Even then, if sap has encased you, you wouldn't corrode. This line makes no sense.
paraded through the streets – 'Paraded' is a weak word here, very prosey. and 'paraded through the streets' is a terrible cliche
the patron saint of marble tongues? .....wait a minute, weren't you a rusty relic? see what I mean?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues? ...nice continuation of the train of thought

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose, ..."a piece of prose" is a nice stream of consciousness follow on, but makes the line frivolous.
my pen a centimeter from the page, ..bland repetition. 
       poised – ..repetition
       like a snake.  ...a snake is neither a synonym nor an antonym of 'statue' You've run out of ideas, and it shows

If I were you, I'd work on S3 and make it a nice counterpoint to the stasis of S1 and S2. Can you think of something that looks like it's frozen like a statue, but is all fire inside?

[ariii]

I really like the inside rhyme in your line, "Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?". I also like the line "pen a centimeter from the page"... Maybe it's the internal rhyme between pen and centimeter. Same with "a pose - a piece of prose". You have a good grasp of rhyme and how to use it in a way that isn't cliche. I do agree with what the previous commenter said about your last line mixing your metaphors too much. Is there a reason you didn't use the line "like a statue" again? I think that might work better for you.

[Vanity]

I like this...very nice, zippy and visual.
Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –I like 'poised'
       like a statue?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?i like the visuals of time...slowly, like sap...dehydrating tears into salt...Yes!
Could I corrode like a rusty relic...I hear the alliteration of could-corrode and rusty--relic. Then, lots of punchy p sounds in the next bit- paraded, patron, pilgrims, pray, pen ....it doesn't hit you on the head, but for me it's part of the sound it makes when I scan it that I like.
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose,
my pen a centimeter from the page,for me I really dig the ' pose/prose' part again...and all the rapid fire alliteration--and I particularly like the ending image of the snake. It's like a mic drop at the end of a poem .
       poised –
       like a snake.

Weeeell, I hope that was in some way helpful. Nice job !--V

[Lizzie]

Is there a reason you didn't use the line "like a statue" again? I think that might work better for you.

Yeah, the image is of a snake raised up and pausing before it strikes. The central question being raised is, "Will the writer stick or strike?" A hand, raised to write on the page, looks (at least to me) a bit like a snake preparing to strike. Snake was not an after thought -- it was intended to resolve the questions with a surprising twist. I do think that it succeeded in surprising, just not pleasantly. 

[lam523]

Love the imagery,about the sap and tears.

The centimeter thing may be different because you are in a country that uses the metric system, I am assuming. We americans like our inches and feet haha

I like your use of rhyme however isn't always necessary but you do it well

[LunaDeLore]

Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a statue?  

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?
Could I corrode like a rusty relic
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose,
my pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a snake.

I like the form of this poem; it's a nice change of scene although L1 is unsettling. I'm not sure I like the use of the colon at the end of a question. If it were my work, I'd probably go with the question mark defined (?: ). Then juxtaposition comes to mind and why not something like this:

Pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a statue?  
       Could I stick like this?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?
Could I corrode like a rusty relic
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Looking at it this way, L1 fuses better or moves smoothly into S2...My only concern with S2 is "rusty relic" and later on I ask myself; do statues pause? Statues are more like an unchanging entity; a three dimensional still life not pausing, not moving, and sometimes not even being admired..... I like the poem's energy.

Enjoyed reading

Luna

[Lizzie]

I feel like I should apologize to the forum for this one -- it's like the flatulation that's still stinking up the room a day later.

My apologies to all who have had their senses assaulted.

I'm telling myself that we all get to let out one big stinker, and hopefully I've got it all out of my system now.

[ellajam]

I feel like I should apologize to the forum for this one -- it's like the flatulation that's still stinking up the room a day later.

My apologies to all who have had their senses assaulted.

I'm telling myself that we all get to let out one big stinker, and hopefully I've got it all out of my system now.

Don't worry, it blends right into the stink of the rest of us. The reek of the pen may be sweat and brain farts but it beats the stale, deodorized odor of fear of exposure on some other sites. Breathe deep.

[Achebe]

It was a decent attempt, workshoppable. I think you're being too hard on yourself.

[LunaDeLore]

I feel like I should apologize to the forum for this one -- it's like the flatulation that's still stinking up the room a day later.

My apologies to all who have had their senses assaulted.

I'm telling myself that we all get to let out one big stinker, and hopefully I've got it all out of my system now.

Lizz,

This poem was not an insult by any round of critique. It's gained the attention, it's gained, because people like it; because I liked it. Nothing any us write is flawless or without some room for revision. The best poets are edited; the best revise. I honestly enjoyed reading it and only wanted to help in the revision process. Don't be so hard on yourself, really.

Good work Lizz,

Luna

[Lizzie]

Don't worry, it blends right into the stink of the rest of us. The reek of the pen may be sweat and brain farts but it beats the stale, deodorized odor of fear of exposure on some other sites. Breathe deep.

I love this response! I wrote it in my notebook so I don't forget!

---

It was a decent attempt, workshoppable. I think you're being too hard on yourself.

I'm glad you think so. I've got a couple of ideas I'm kicking around for it -- I'll probably try again in a month or so. I'm going to let things settle a bit.

---

Lizz,

This poem was not an insult by any round of critique. It's gained the attention, it's gained, because people like it; because I liked it. Nothing any us write is flawless or without some room for revision. The best poets are edited; the best revise. I honestly enjoyed reading it and only wanted to help in the revision process. Don't be so hard on yourself, really.

Good work Lizz,

Luna

Thank you. Yes, it is a good reminder that even the best need revision. I appreciate your comments on the piece and for coming back to it!

[rhymeguy]

I understand the frustration expressed  in this poem. I suspect that most creative people have been in that  place. One way to get past it is  simply to write. Great things can come from great frustration.

The imagery you employed painted a great portrait of the "stuck " artist. I can clearly see myself encased in stone just centimeters away from saying something. 

I look to reading more from you.

[Lizzie]

I understand the frustration expressed  in this poem. I suspect that most creative people have been in that  place. One way to get past it is  simply to write. Great things can come from great frustration.

The imagery you employed painted a great portrait of the "stuck " artist. I can clearly see myself encased in stone just centimeters away from saying something. 

I look to reading more from you.

Thanks for the encouragement ><

I'm glad that the images resonated with you.

[ashleighimaginatively]

Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a statue?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me?
Could I corrode like a rusty relic
paraded through the streets –
the patron saint of marble tongues?
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues?

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose,
my pen a centimeter from the page,
       poised –
       like a snake.

The first things that stuck out to me when glancing over this poem were the lines indented using the repetition of the letter 'p' and the similes beginning with 'like'. This is what would have left me wanting to read your work or turning the page. I could imagine how either using three different words beginning with the letter 'p', or having all of the words be the same, would help the poem be less jagged and perhaps even allow the writer's tone to come across clearer. One other thing I noticed was that the imagery of first a patron saint followed by pilgrims praying was a little harsh for me to be able to read smoothly. I would not see it a fault to perhaps instead go from a specific person to the overall organization they belong to (when possible) instead of jumping between two unlike things. "the patron saint of marble tongues? Would Catholics pray at my pen," flows better to me as a reader. Another thing I myself did not understand was the seeming comparison of a statue to a snake in this context. I also do not know what the Zen legends are   (brb to google lol). I did like the 14th line, "becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose," and found that that line contributed nicely to the overall composition of the piece. I liked the two different images of the sap and salty tears in the 5th line, one being sweet and the other (obviously) salty- which are contrasting. However, they both take a similar teardrop shape and bring forth the same flowing imagery. I found that interesting.

First time giving feedback as well- my apologies if I was in the wrong for anything I wrote in my response or if this amount of feedback was not appropriate to this thread.
Keep on writing!
Ashleigh

[Lizzie]

Stuck


Could I stick this way:
pen a centimeter from the page, 'centimeter' is an unlovely word here. something like 'pen stayed an inch above the page' is better. the two 't's spoil the sonics for me.  -- Ok, so I originally thought about using "inch," but I felt like that sounded cliche (I was an inch away, just another inch and I would have had it....etc.). Also, I felt like centimeter gave a better mental image of just how close the speaker is to the page -- maddeningly close. I hear what you're saying about centimeter, but I don't know what else to substitute at this point.
       poised –
       like a statue?

Could sap encase me, salty tears seal me? ....I like this line. I don't mind the 'sap' coming out of nowhere and not fitting with the overall metaphor of the body as a statue. This is a nice, punchy line.
Could I corrode like a rusty relic   ....dissonance sets in. The image that you are painting brings to mind saints' processions. Since when are the relics made of iron or steel? It's either stone, or a base metal (or a precious metal). But mostly stone. Even then, if sap has encased you, you wouldn't corrode. This line makes no sense.
paraded through the streets – 'Paraded' is a weak word here, very prosey. and 'paraded through the streets' is a terrible cliche
the patron saint of marble tongues? .....wait a minute, weren't you a rusty relic? see what I mean? -- I plead guilty to all of these crimes.
Would pilgrims pray at my pen,
       pausing –
       like statues? ...nice continuation of the train of thought

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends,
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture – a pose – a piece of prose, ..."a piece of prose" is a nice stream of consciousness follow on, but makes the line frivolous.
my pen a centimeter from the page, ..bland repetition. 
       poised – ..repetition
       like a snake.  ...a snake is neither a synonym nor an antonym of 'statue' You've run out of ideas, and it shows -- Bite me. I never run out of ideas, just good ones

If I were you, I'd work on S3 and make it a nice counterpoint to the stasis of S1 and S2. Can you think of something that looks like it's frozen like a statue, but is all fire inside?  -- you mean like a snake? Own one sometime, they're lovely creatures

So, as you'll notice, most of the poem's been cut and reworked. I trust you'll find this version just as objectionable as the first.

---

So, as I reworked this, I tried to be true to my original impetus which was to let my imagination conjure all of the worst case scenarios about not being able to write and to have a bit of a laugh at them. The group was rather divided about the "picture-pose-piece of prose," so I tried to re-word it. I also tried to make it clearer why I chose to contrast with the snake at the end -- I hope it suits. If not, another day another revision. Thanks to everyone who read and commented!

@ ariii -- I tried to preserve the rhymes that you liked, and I tried to break up the different metaphor/scenarios to make it clearer when my mind is switching gears. Hopefully it's clearer that way.

@Vanity -- You're right that they were all visuals of time, I appreciate you drawing out that comparison. I tried to keep a lot of alliteration, since I know you liked that. And, it's not quite a mic-drop like before, but I did keep the snake!

@lam523 -- kept the imagery that you liked. Thanks for the kind words!

@LunaDeLore -- thanks for suggesting the rewrite of the first stanza. I hope I got it right. And, you're quite right that statues do not pause, nor are they continuously admired. Indeed.

@rhymeguy -- if great things come from frustration, then I'm on the verge of poetic immortality! Thanks for letting me know what was working for you.

@ashleighimaginatively -- I tried to keep the form the same since you said that it made you want to look twice at the poem. The middle bit about the relics has been cut, since it was problematic as you pointed out. The "Zen legends" that I was trying to reference are these guys: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddhist_mummies

You're the only one that caught the connection between the sap and the tears, as I imagined them being the same thing here. My brain sometimes... Anyway, thanks for the helpful comments!

[Keith]

Hi LizzieP
I have enjoyed reading your poem and following its progression. I think the edit works really well and you capture well that moment when all thought leaves us and its hard to focus I enjoyed how you explored the possibilities of what could happen if you stayed there too long. I have to say I was disappointed with the ending because it leaves the poem in limbo and only repeats the previous themes, I guess you told me that with the title but I did want to read about the release of writing the rush of a returning muse. Its like playing musical status and waiting to long for the music to start again. If this is what you are going for then kudos to you but I wanted it to conclude in some way. Hope this makes sense Keith

[Lizzie]

Hi Keith, thanks for commenting!   Yes, I can see how the ending would be a bit anticlimactic. Thanks for pointing that out and I'll give some thought to how I might incorporate some kind of resolution.

[Shay]

Hi there, about to return the favour  
A lot of points have been made already, so I'll comment as best as I can without being too repetitive. 

Pen a centimeter from the page, - this would read more smoothly if "centimeter" could be replaced, perhaps by "inch/lenght". 
       poised—
       like a statue:
       Could I stick this way?

Could sticky sap encase me,
swamping my throat, swallowing - beautiful segment, very vivid descriptions of an intriguing thought process. 
my words, muzzling my mouth?
I'd be stopped in a lollipop,
       with my pen
       as the stick!

Could salty tears seal me,
—a corroded Tin Man— I really like the variation in the description here, smooth transition as well. 
my surface quiescent,
       permanently
       paused? - your usage of alliterations as a continuous stylistic device is done very well as it seems to be natural. 

Maybe I'd stick like Zen legends, - the preceding segments have been slightly abstract and I'm intrigued by the reference on hand. 
mummifying through meditation,
becoming a picture—
       a pose—
       in rigid repose. - my favourite segment so far. Regardless of the reoccurrence of "pose" here, the highly reflective picture you're painting with the "rigid" usage is very direct yet relatable as it carries an echoing thought of layers. The "mummifying/repose" is underlining this very feeling.

Maybe the rust slithering up my skin
is not a fetter but rather - personally, the word "fetter" doesn't seem to be as natural in this segment as the the overall composition might suggest. "tie/chain" could be possible options, but that's pure preference. 
a rattlesnake's rigor as I writhe - I'm not too sure about "rigor", it's a very nice continuation of the alliteration, nevertheless. 
up in coils and ready my venom,
       poising myself
       to strike. - a great reflective sentiment, I thoroughly love the directness displayed here, particularly in the "poising myself" bit. My only critique at this point would be that it somehow "ends" abruptly, as in I'd like to see a final scenery. 

This was a very enjoyable read. Great work, and thanks for sharing.

[Lizzie]

Hi Shay, thanks for your thoughts. You're not the only one to be a little bit frustrated with the lack of some resolution at the end. I'm contemplating this issue. I think because the previous version was entitled Stuck, I was just focused on that element. But, I am aware that leaving things the way they are is a bit unsatisfactory. Like the ending of a Cohen brothers movie. Not comparing my talent to theirs, though