True

[mitsuch]

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world.

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland 

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace 

[dukealien]

True

1. We stand in this delectable land
   
   
2. A casing, enveloping truth
   
   
   
3. We live in a world sheathed,
   
4. Our faint ideas of the world
   
   
   
5. A false belief is delivered 
   
6. A love that leaves us bland 
   
   
   
7. A complex matrix of man
   
8.  cloak over genuine meaning 
   
   
   
9. An embrace that fixates
   
10. An untrue fleeting grace 
    
    
    
11. We lay at the mercy of us
    
12. As we let ourselves into the embrace 
    

Welcome, @mitsuch!  Your poem has some good qualities on which you could capitalize with further work.

First off, and as you've noticed reading critiques here, many will disapprove capitalizing the first word of each line.  I 'm in the minority, holding out for every-line-capitalization sometimes - it's traditional, particularly for rhymed/formal verse - but in the present case you might consider capitalizing only the first words in sentences.

Which is another suggestion you might consider.   The poem's punctuation is limited to one comma, but there are certainly thoughts and sub-thoughts - phrases - that could benefit from marking them with commas, periods, semicolons, or dashes.  This is novice critique, not line-by-line, but examples would be L2, which might profitably end with a period [full stop], and L3 where an additional comma after "would" could avoid an amibiguity (is the world sheathed?)  With punctuation in place, you may find the poem naturally falls into a less regular form than two-line groups. 

There are also some grammatic technicalities, as in L11 where changing "lay" to "lie" would put L11 into present tense, matching the action of L12.

Such matters aside, the poem is evocative and atmospheric.  Some word choices are surprising ("bland," for example).  Surprise is good when it advances your project.  Think, for example, of a more surprising way to say "genuine meaning."

Think about editing this one, or write another and come back to it later.  You have a style; see what happens when you apply it to a more concret subject, for example.

[mitsuch]

True

1. We stand in this delectable land
   
   
2. A casing, enveloping truth
   
   
   
3. We live in a world sheathed,
   
4. Our faint ideas of the world
   
   
   
5. A false belief is delivered 
   
6. A love that leaves us bland 
   
   
   
7. A complex matrix of man
   
8.  cloak over genuine meaning 
   
   
   
9. An embrace that fixates
   
10. An untrue fleeting grace 
    
    
    
11. We lay at the mercy of us
    
12. As we let ourselves into the embrace 
    

Welcome, @mitsuch!  Your poem has some good qualities on which you could capitalize with further work.

First off, and as you've noticed reading critiques here, many will disapprove capitalizing the first word of each line.  I 'm in the minority, holding out for every-line-capitalization sometimes - it's traditional, particularly for rhymed/formal verse - but in the present case you might consider capitalizing only the first words in sentences.

Which is another suggestion you might consider.   The poem's punctuation is limited to one comma, but there are certainly thoughts and sub-thoughts - phrases - that could benefit from marking them with commas, periods, semicolons, or dashes.  This is novice critique, not line-by-line, but examples would be L2, which might profitably end with a period [full stop], and L3 where an additional comma after "would" could avoid an amibiguity (is the world sheathed?)  With punctuation in place, you may find the poem naturally falls into a less regular form than two-line groups. 

There are also some grammatic technicalities, as in L11 where changing "lay" to "lie" would put L11 into present tense, matching the action of L12.

Such matters aside, the poem is evocative and atmospheric.  Some word choices are surprising ("bland," for example).  Surprise is good when it advances your project.  Think, for example, of a more surprising way to say "genuine meaning."

Think about editing this one, or write another and come back to it later.  You have a style; see what happens when you apply it to a more concret subject, for example.

Thank you for your excellent feedback! As for the punctuation, it was originally meant that the first line of each stanza ends with a comma, and the second line ends with a period. I think i made a mistake while pasting it over here. However for all the rest of the critique, i am quite intrigued. I am quite refreshed by it infact haha. I will surely change around the wording to make it more impactful. I quite adored the capitalisation but i will look to change it if it improves the quality. Thank you for your wonderful feedback.

[dukealien]

Good edits.  (And you read the site's instructions on how to post them -  I didn't, first time around.)

Not to discourage further edits for sense and sound, but the inconsistency at "bland" might be a place to look at.  It does not have a period after, because the next verse is a sentence fragment unless it's a continuation... which breaks your system of two-line verses.  Alternatives are (but not limited to) a verb in the following verse so the sentence could close with a period at "bland," or joining the two verses to become one four-line verse.

(I was hoping another of our fine critics would chime in with different angles and criteria, but a lot of new poems have been posted recently.  Give them time:  new members will be looking for works to critique, and will find you in due course.)

[Andrias]

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land, (lovely use of words here to describe a place)
a casing, enveloping truth. (Great Metaphor)

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. (Here I'm unsure about the word World twice in the same stanza, feels redundant)

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland (I would've used Blind instead of bland imo, it sounds better, but overall this is okay)

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity. (Love the way you portrayed man intrinsic complex nature here, again though I would've gone with in-sincerity, would make more sense to me.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace. (good rhyme scheme, but it kind of came out of nowhere, where was it previously?)

We lie at the mercy (Ahead) of us,
As we (lead) ourselves into the embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace 

I made a few modifications to it I felt sounded better, don't take it the wrong way, they're just suggestions

[mitsuch]

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land, (lovely use of words here to describe a place)
a casing, enveloping truth. (Great Metaphor)

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. (Here I'm unsure about the word World twice in the same stanza, feels redundant)

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland (I would've used Blind instead of bland imo, it sounds better, but overall this is okay)

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity. (Love the way you portrayed man intrinsic complex nature here, again though I would've gone with in-sincerity, would make more sense to me.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace. (good rhyme scheme, but it kind of came out of nowhere, where was it previously?)

We lie at the mercy (Ahead) of us,
As we (lead) ourselves into the embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace 

I made a few modifications to it I felt sounded better, don't take it the wrong way, they're just suggestions

Thank you so much for the detailed review! I really like some of the suggestions, however some of them seem to be diverting the original meaning of the poem. I think due to the nature of my poem which allows it to be interpreted in many ways, you may have misunderstood what I had initially meant for it to mean. The nature of this poem is dark, it talks of the ignorance we have developed to the miseries and harsh truths of the world. Hence it is a cloak over sincerity, or genuinity, and not in-sincerity. However I like the detailed review a lot, it really helped. Thank you.

I'd like to explain the last stanza to you. Though it is redundant if one cannot understand it themselves, but this is what it was supposed to mean ; Our lives are only ours, and when the day comes to die, the only person who will go with you, is you. You lay at your own mercy, when you let yourself into the mysterious embrace of death.

Good edits.  (And you read the site's instructions on how to post them -  I didn't, first time around.)

Not to discourage further edits for sense and sound, but the inconsistency at "bland" might be a place to look at.  It does not have a period after, because the next verse is a sentence fragment unless it's a continuation... which breaks your system of two-line verses.  Alternatives are (but not limited to) a verb in the following verse so the sentence could close with a period at "bland," or joining the two verses to become one four-line verse.

(I was hoping another of our fine critics would chime in with different angles and criteria, but a lot of new poems have been posted recently.  Give them time:  new members will be looking for works to critique, and will find you in due course.)

Thank you so much, after one or two more posts on the poem, I will put in the second edit =)

[Todd]

Hi mitsuch,

Let me give you some comments on this piece. I think the challenge you have with this type of poem is that it's difficult to make something that feels like philosophical propositions carry emotional power. An example of a similarly themed poem that you might consider as a model to give you some ideas would be Louise Gluck's "The Wild Iris".

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,--Why is "we stand" actually necessary to the line. What does standing add.
a casing, enveloping truth.--I wonder if this casing is the body and the ephemeral soul or spark is that truth.

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world.--Sort of Plato's theory of the forms.

A false belief is delivered,--Allegory of the cave, shadows. This sort of line though is really flat reportage. Imagery making it more evocative might serve you. Moving from general to specific might serve you better.
a love that leaves us bland-- I do like the bland in this line. I'd still look to saying it with imagery and implying the ideas.

a complex matrix of man,--wordy
a cloak over sincerity.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.

I don't want to hit you with too much in this forum. I hope some of the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Slix343]

I very much like how you are taking a philosophical stance with your poetry and are using it to explore this idea. However before you explained your poem I DID see your poem as contemplative but more along the lines of Epistemplogy. (Questioning knowledge and wha we know is true) This is because you begin your poem with sense based words like delectable and sightless. These lines make it seem like the primary focus of the poem given the name of it is true that the question around this poem is more pondering empirical senses rather than the loneliness of death.

If what you were shooting for was to make the speaker seem that outside sources were untrue and the only truth that carries towards death comes from within that is fine but the finality of that realization, the point where that idea is formed for the speaker never really happens. I would recommend looking over this poem not as a person arguing an idea but someone coming to this conclusion so the reader can better follow that train of thought, otherwise they might get lost.

[mitsuch]

I very much like how you are taking a philosophical stance with your poetry and are using it to explore this idea. However before you explained your poem I DID see your poem as contemplative but more along the lines of Epistemplogy. (Questioning knowledge and wha we know is true) This is because you begin your poem with sense based words like delectable and sightless. These lines make it seem like the primary focus of the poem given the name of it is true that the question around this poem is more pondering empirical senses rather than the loneliness of death.

If what you were shooting for was to make the speaker seem that outside sources were untrue and the only truth that carries towards death comes from within that is fine but the finality of that realization, the point where that idea is formed for the speaker never really happens. I would recommend looking over this poem not as a person arguing an idea but someone coming to this conclusion so the reader can better follow that train of thought, otherwise they might get lost.

I really like how you've viewed the poem. It is a good point to change it around and make it conclusive and not argumentative, that could be interesting. Thank you for the excellent feedback!

[wipmp]

Hi Mitsuch,

I read though this and noted your explanation of your intent for the poem.

You said "The nature of this poem is dark, it talks of the ignorance we have developed to the miseries and harsh truths of the world. Hence it is a cloak over sincerity, or genuinity"

And also "Our lives are only ours, and when the day comes to die, the only person who will go with you, is you. You lay at your own mercy, when you let yourself into the mysterious embrace of death"

I really think adding / reworking something along those lines as you have written above could add to this poem.

I like the premise of the poem and enjoyed reading it.  Thanks for reading my critique.

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. - I agree with the previous review it would read better if you come up with a different word so that you don't repeat "world"

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland - Possibly changing the word love to something else.  If I am understanding correctly you are meaning that life delivers beliefs and expectations that cause a man to obscure his own true self.  To me this line could more strongly tie into the intended meaning.  from your explanation above one possibility could be "an example that leaves us ignorant"

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity. - I like this line a lot.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.

[Gabriel.k.Jones]

Feedback: When you say...
The delectable land, what makes it true? Or is the word delectable encasing the truth?
You then make a jump from living in a sightless world to a false belief being delivered. What is this false belief, that we live in a sightless world, or the philosophy that is preached to us about living in this world, is that the falsehood? And is this false belief encased in the idea of what love is - The blandness that you expressed.

It's entirely up to you whether or not you can make another edit. In my opinion, this poem did exactly what it was meant to do when you wrote... It was meant to have us question and debate the meaning of life, love and this world. Otherwise, why would you have written it in a philosophical tone, right?

I like it, but in my opinion there are some additions you could make to bring in more emotion, to make people who read agree more with what you're saying.

Keep up the good work.

[oliviakristen]

Hi, this is a really nice piece. It seems to be trying to impact logic instead of emotion, which is really interesting.
I feel like "delectable" isn't really a good way to describe the land. For me, "delectable" has always been used to talk about food, something I'd like to eat.
And there doesn't seem to be a lot of imagery. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but for example when you write "A false belief is delivered, / a love that leaves us bland" it seems flat and falling short of what you are trying to say. I can see how it is good being concise, but the fragments don't really work. It does go along with the lengths of your other lines though, which is a good thing.
Additionally, when you said "An embrace, that fixates, / an untrue fleeting grace" , would it be better to delete the comma after fixates? So it runs smoothly like "An embrace, that fixates / an untrue fleeting grace". Or you could delete the comma after embrace and have it as "An embrace that fixates, / an untrue fleeting grace", and it would mean something different. Keep up the good work though !

[bluegypsea]

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world.

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland 

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace 

I like "we live in a world sightless" better than the original.  However, what about the word "man" in "a complex matrix of man"?  How about "humanity" or a similar word?  I'm also wondering if the word "untrue" in "an untrue fleeting grace" might be changed to a more fitting synonym?  What do you think?  

~blue

[QDeathstar]

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.

Hi. I think the abstraction of truth coupled with the small simple words and relatively scarse language make the opening lines dull. For some reason, i want to reconcile the first stanza with second one but i cant make the connection. The top line has a positive connotation, while the second line, for me, has a negative one. Its like red on blue. They don't go well together.


]We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world.
I don't think this is a sentence. They are two incomplete thoughts.

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland 
Kinda feels preachy. The short word followed by a single syllable each time, followed by two incomplete thoughts.... it gets monotonous.

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity.
best couplet of the poem. There is a little bit if uniqueness here that is lacking in other areas of the poem


An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.
This seems like it could be interesting, but you've castrated it into yet again another incomplete though. The poem sounds unsure of itself.

[djNasty]

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world. This doesn't make a lot of sense. The use of the word "world" so close together makes this line sound garbled. This line awkwardly comes of the tongue.

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland 

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace. I think this word embrace is being used too close to each other. 

Reading this i often felt myself confused about what all the imagery was trying to convey. 

[CRNDLSM]

with/without punctuation for doesnt make a difference.   I prefer the sheath because in my mind truth cuts like a sword.  Also, i think the list should be arranged so that mans complexity is last because all the falsities are delivered and interpreted by mans complexity, not the world, except that man (anything deceiving) already lies within the world (truth).  

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world.

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland 

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

A cloak over sincerity,
The complex matrix of man

We lie at the mercy of ourselves,
As we lay in the world's embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace 

[D.MYST]

I love the contemplative nature of the work. I had an instant problem with the use of "delectable" however...it just does not seem to fit, nor does "Bland" though it is a rewarding presence given its element of surprise. I wanted more imagery of this land....I wanted more feelings in how the beliefs were not true. It almost seems forlorn and cynical in some areas. The mood is definitely powerful...I would just work on more communicative imagery instead of words

[operadiva]

This is my first critique, so bear with me! I really like the texture of the words you chose. I do think that a more specific image could be painted, but I also understand that some ambiguity helps more people relate to the theme.  An example of more specificity could even the the last two lines. I totally get that we, as a people, just accept the reality of disappoint but I want there to be a more pointed reflection. What kind of embrace? Is it something that is ultimately unavoidable, is it sought after in a self-destructive way, is it simply ignored, is it hard to recognize? I don't know if more details will take away from your goal, but as the reader, I really wanted to better understand why you felt compelled to share these thoughts. I wanted to see and feel more of what was going on. I really enjoyed this poem! 

Thank you for your time and energy.

[ForestWalker]

In my opinion, find a synonym for the following "world" in the second cluster of stanzas. The repetition, makes it flow awkwardly.

[Jo Frumple]

I like it, I like it! Very good!
These lines kinda struck me as could be better by way of rolling off the tongue. Vocabulary and feel of the piece are excellent.

"Our faint ideas of the world"
Idk, just maybe saying "Our faintest ideas of the world" or just "faintest ideas of the world" or changing the to this "our faint ideas of this world". I just think you could make it a stronger better line if you added an "s'' sound in there.

I see you edited the "a cloak" line. Idk, I almost like "a cloak over genuine meaning" better...

What would you think about switching the "us" and "ourselves" around? And maybe cutting "our"? So it would be:
"We lay at the mercy of selves
As we let us into the embrace"

Also what if you struck the 'the' and made 'embrace' plural?
'As we let us into embraces'?  I like that. Gives it a very good ending, very mystical and shadowy like the poem.

True

Edit 1:

We stand in this delectable land,
a casing, enveloping truth.

We live in a world sightless,
our faint ideas of the world.    

A false belief is delivered,
a love that leaves us bland 

a complex matrix of man,
a cloak over sincerity.

An embrace, that fixates,
an untrue fleeting grace.

We lie at the mercy of us,
As we let ourselves into the embrace.

Original :

We stand in this delectable land
A casing, enveloping truth

We live in a world sheathed,
Our faint ideas of the world

A false belief is delivered 
A love that leaves us bland 

A complex matrix of man
A cloak over genuine meaning 

An embrace that fixates
An untrue fleeting grace 

We lay at the mercy of us
As we let ourselves into the embrace