Winds of Anger

[rhymeguy]

 
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.
 
Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
 
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
 
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.
 
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.
 
 
 
 
  
 

[Erthona]

"The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew."

If the landscape is "frigid" to begin with, then nothing every grew there to begin with.

It would make more sense to say:

""The hot winds of anger
blow across the fertile landscape."

Overall, one could drop about two thirds of this and come up with a better poem.
___________________________________________________________________________
"The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid fertile landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.

Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.

Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bleached bones
of the errant nomads.

Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.

Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.   (Do not drink)
What seems sweet to the tongue
may will sour in the belly."

____________________________________

As there is no rhythmic quality, this begins to read like a laundry list fairly quickly.

Best,

dale

[Achebe]

Some improvement in rhythm and imagery can be achieved by minor rearrangement and editing.
Example below.
But the metaphor is still all over the place. A desert, and then a poisoned oasis? What's the connection? I mean, the literal connection?

 
Hot winds of anger
blow across the land
leaving a desert
where flowers once grew
 and mighty oaks
sung in by songbirds
are gone, like the lilies.

Where no eagles soar
parched desert bones
of the errant nomads
ring the waters
of a poisoned oasis.
Traveller, beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What's sweet on the tongue
will sour in the belly.
 

[rhymeguy]

WOW, I love the rewrite! Thanks 
When I win the Pulitzer I will give you all the credit. The money however. ..

If you have the time and inclination would you help me understand the disconnect between the desert and an oasis 

Thanks again

[rowens]

rhymeguy, I don't get to use the internet every day, due to poverty and hatred, and I believe you have to study a poet in order to understand a poet's poems. I'm of that sort. And I keep finding your poetry generic. What I mean by that, is that you are stating the obvious in obvious ways. It's harder to write poetry in this mode nowaday, because the end of the world, and all its aparchments has already happened, years ago, in some lucky jerk's already imagination. Imagination is more important than skill. Imagination without skill though is lame. This goes for a lot of poetry. I am not a good critic, and so limit myself to pointing things out here, lazily, with you.

---

There is no difference in a desert and an oasis. Difference is lightweight in a poem.

[Achebe]

If you have the time and inclination would you help me understand the disconnect between the desert and an oasis 

The first bit is about the hot winds of anger turning a fertile patch of earth into a desert. Anger = hot, dessicating winds. Presumably, desert = your heart, or something along those lines.
So far so good.

Now you suddenly bring up a poisoned oasis. Hot winds don't poison an oasis. Deserts don't naturally have poisoned oases. What is the poisoned oasis representing? Nothing. At least, nothing that's apparent from the poem. Even if it did, let's say you put in a line like 'of the poisoned oasis of brotherly feeling', it would sound crappy. Because while there's a causal relationship between hot winds and a desert, however tenuous, there's none between either of the two, and a poisoned oasis. So even if you invested the image of a poisoned oasis with symbolic meaning, the causal relationship wouldn't work at the literal level.

You've got carried away with your desert metaphor.

[rowens]

The last three lines of the poem take it in another direction, if you could somehow manage that in other parts of the poem: Instead you state ordinary things then end with the premise of the poem. In some cases that would work, the last three lines would hold the poem up, but here it doesn't come off so strong. Debates over logic and common sense make little difference. The threadbare, perfectly common sense description in your poem, leading up to the last three lines, is what leaves it generic. The description isn't bad, only nothing stands out and grips attention. It's a poem after all.

[SethFiction]

"The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew"

This part doesn't really make sense because "the hot winds of anger" are supposed to destroy the flower which "once grew." The landscape is "frigid," though, which indicates death or barrenness or a tundra of some sort. If anything, "the hot winds of anger" would cause the soil to warm and the flowers to grow.

[D.MYST]

"The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew."

If the landscape is "frigid" to begin with, then nothing every grew there to begin with.

It would make more sense to say:

""The hot winds of anger
blow across the fertile landscape."

Overall, one could drop about two thirds of this and come up with a better poem.
___________________________________________________________________________
"The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid fertile landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.

Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.

Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bleached bones
of the errant nomads.

Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.

Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.   (Do not drink)
What seems sweet to the tongue
may will sour in the belly."

____________________________________

As there is no rhythmic quality, this begins to read like a laundry list fairly quickly.

Best,

dale

I cosign these suggestions! Yes a lot of times poems are ten times better when they are cut in half. A lot of us do not realize how repetitive things can become in poems, how we need to trim the fat.

[operadiva]

[quote='rhymeguy' pid='212588' dateline='1466896117']
 
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert

where flowers once grew.       

I just don't like the use of 'frigid'. It doesn't help set up a clear scene. I understand the hot/cold, but i don't think that flowers really thrive in a frigid landscape. there are probably more flowers in a desert. 

 

Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies.  Love this 
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
 
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
 
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.
 
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.    i like this a lot, as well

Overall, I don't know what the goal is. I feel like more words could have been used to help describe things better. It was just too thin for me, and for what i wanted from the poem. As the reader, i am just too confused about what is happening and to whom. 

thank you for your time and energy
 
 

[89layers]

I especially like Erthonas rewrite.  It cleans the poem up nicely, but honestly, the poem was not inspiring and painted a bland picture for me.  I enjoy irony and duality of language in a poem, this seemed to try for that but I was confused. I think you can use the last bit of the poem, I actually enjoyed that, "Travelers beware, do not drink...etc" in another poem. It evokes strong feeling and titillates with the suggestion of something ominous.  

It read like good practice of creating imagery. Keep working at it though!

I'm new here and a total amateur.  Im still learning how to give feedback and writers language. Be patient with me.

Best to you!

 
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.
 
Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
 
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
 
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.
 
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.
 
 
 
 
  
 

[mv5543]

Hi! I'm a novice critic, and like your poem very much. I don't understand how the last stanza fits in with the rest of the poem. 

 
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.
 
Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
 
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
 
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.
 
Travelers beware. <--  I'm assuming these are the travellers that will go to the desert in the future. 
Drink not too deeply.  <- I think this is a warning to future travellers to not drink the "poisoned waters".
What seems sweet to the tongue <- If the travellers were to drink the "poisoned waters", why would the water taste sweet (given that it's poisoned)? 
may sour in the belly.
 

For me, the last stanza is confusing for the above reasons. Given the context of the rest of the poem, it is hard for me to judge whether the "travelers" are the "nomads" or possible future travellers to the desert. The only way it would make sense to me is if the "travellers" were the errant nomads that drank from the waters when the land was an oasis.

[CRNDLSM]

This poem worked for me, but first I had to pretend I was dramatically over acting in a play. And full pause between each line
 
The hot winds of angermy fist is in the sky shouting!
blow across the frigid landscape.then on frigid I give up in hopelessness
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.bitter these two lines

Gone are the mighty oaks.shouting again
Gone are the gentle lilies.then quiet 
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.sad this line 
 
Deserted oasis;more shouting
poisoned waters;shout
parched bonesshout
of the errant nomads.normal voice 
 
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.yes say all this with a slight sense of hopelessness 
 Long pause here, let it settle.
Travelers beware.warn sternly
Drink not too deeply.say it slowly
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.
 Cool that vengeance yo, it sounds sweet, 

"In the end, revenge sends ends to the defendent" nick hexum
 
 
 
  
 
[/quote]

[Wonderfullife]

There were a few things i liked about the work.
The idea is good. Showing the nullifying, destructive consequences of anger.
However, I think, in poetry, the subject should not be immediately apparent, and it is, here. 
Part of the satisfaction of reading poetry is the recognition of its subject matter.
It might also ave been better to show something of the toll on one's health, anger takes.
The section covering the unfulfilled  promises and the part warning of its dangers, are, for me, the best parts.
I liked some of the imagery.
 
The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.....I like this imagery
 
Gone are the mighty oaks.
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
 
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
 
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.....good
 
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.........Fair
 
 
 
 
  
 
[/quote]

[It Howls from Below]

"What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly."

This doesn't sit right with me. Perhaps it could be"may spoil the belly"

[Rogo]

Winds of Anger

The hot winds of anger
blow across the frigid landscape.
Leaving only a desert
where flowers once grew.
 
Gone are the mighty oaks.                         5
Gone are the gentle lilies.
Gone, the song birds
and the soaring eagles.
 
Deserted oasis;
poisoned waters;                                       10
parched bones
of the errant nomads.
 
Shimmers of promise,
mirages of hope,
proven elusive
on the arid horizon.                                  15
 
Travelers beware.
Drink not too deeply.
What seems sweet to the tongue
may sour in the belly.



A few things. I won't say your poem lacks authenticity—because it doesn't. However, I will say it lacks personality, which is a deeper level of authenticity. Using heat to symbolize anger is so prevalent that it's in our everyday speech with words like "fiery" and "heated."  Desert imagery suffers a similar fate when referencing absence or desolation. 

How can you articulate this feeling in a way that's personal and revealing?

With that being said... the anaphora and parallel syntax in stanza 2 is well placed, setting the poem in motion with its tensive energy. The fragmented list in the next stanza is refreshing too. Generally, I would say the poem's structure is solid. My only suggestion is to break up the lines more. Most, if not all, of them are end-stopped, which makes the poem predictable. 

Articulation of feeling & thought is critical for poetry. To discover an alien, yet alluring, line is electrifying if not revelatory—as both a writer and a reader. Such lines expel clichés in favor of authentic originality.